Tips for Surviving the Engagement Period

The engagement period is such an exciting time in a couple’s life. They recently decided to get married and spend their lives together. While this is a joyous period, many couples can argue more than normal and this often catches them by surprise.

The engagement period is an exciting time; however, it can also be incredibly stressful. There are so many demands, pressures, expectations, and changes that are all happening at once. Stress, in particular, plays a major role in conflict during the engagement period. Stress can arise due to many factors, such as the overwhelming process of planning a wedding, the pressures, and expectations from extended family members or friends as well as financial challenges and the stress of change in the relationship. Many couples are dealing with tremendous change and thinking about their future changing, such as moving in together, merging your life with someone else’s or even the change of future dynamics and goals. 

Partners may have expectations that have not previously been discussed such as how involved one will be or not with the wedding planning. There may also be expectations partners may have about family traditions that their partner isn’t aware of, which can create tension with their soon-to-be spouse. Often, the engagement period brings up questions that couples haven’t addressed in a relationship such as finances, religion, children or family obligations as well as future expectations, etc.

Couples may then argue as they work these details and dynamics out, which then can create worry about the future, their marriage and merging their two lives. The engagement period is a time of change and transition that can result in more understanding of one another, but it can be challenging and stressful to go through. 

Many couples can be surprised and even worried when they begin to argue more often soon after getting engaged. While this is typical, many people fear that their future relationship is doomed. It’s important to understand that this is a transition time with a lot of change and stress, which can put pressure onto a couple and create more tension than usual. 

Here are some helpful tips to tame fights during the engagement period:

1. Let Go of Perfection: 

Couples tend to desire that everything be perfect during the engagement period. The apprehension of the future can influence how couples act and feel. Couples may argue during this time and then get worried that their arguments are a negative sign and therefore, feel apprehensive about the future. There can be expectations that everything will fall right into place and when it doesn’t, it creates worry and fear about the marriage. Arguing, when done healthily, can lead to a better understanding of each other and the relationship, in general. Couples must let go of any expectation or idea that everything must be perfect. Couples should try and focus on the positive, which is their connection and commitment to one another as well as learning more about one another through this process. 

2. Let go of the Small Stuff: 

Focus on the bigger picture, which is the relationship and the commitment that a couple is making to be married and spend their lives together. People can get caught up in the small details with wedding planning or family expectations when at the end of the day, that will not be what creates a lasting marriage. It’s important to stay focused on the connection between one another during this time and let go of some of the small stuff.  

3. Communicate: 

Although communication is always important in relationships, it’s especially true during the engagement time because of the amount of change that a couple is experiencing as well as stress. Talking about these issues is crucial to the success of the relationship. Many people can have expectations of their spouse that they don’t communicate to them. They tend to think that their partner will be able to read their mind and just know what they want. It’s important to communicate your needs so that your partner knows. If you are wanting your partner to be more involved in the wedding planning, then it’s important to express that expectation. Communicating with one another and finding compromise is key here. 

4. Continue Courtship: 

One of the most important things that couples can do during their engagement is to remember to date and have fun together! This may seem completely obvious, but it’s very common that when a couple is newly engaged, they have more stress and demands from friends, family, and wedding planning that they can put their relationship on the back burner without even realizing it. Dating is an important factor in maintaining connection and intimacy with your partner because it allows you the alone time needed to be present, mindful and in the moment. So be sure to take a night off and enjoy quality time with your soon-to-be spouse.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

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