How to Reduce Emotional Barriers in Your Relationship
Have you ever felt that you or your partner were emotionally distant or putting up walls? Emotional barriers can be a common challenge in relationships. Being vulnerable and emotionally open is quite scary and sometimes very difficult to do. Here are some tips to breaking down those walls in your relationship:
Emotional barriers are invisible walls or blocks that are placed between you and your partner where you are keeping your guard up and not being completely open in the relationship. These barriers can be unconsciously or consciously placed. They prevent us from being fully mentally and emotionally engaged, vulnerable or trusting with our partner or in our relationship.
Intimate relationships require people to be open and trusting of another. This is a state of being vulnerable and ‘taking a leap of faith.’ Lack of trust can be one of the most common emotional barriers in relationships and this could develop due to past emotional wounds related to childhood, negative experiences in previous relationships, or fear of rejection or loss of the current relationship. Often when someone has issues related to trusting others, they can place emotional barriers around themselves as an attempt from being hurt in the future.
Emotional barriers are most often driven by fear. People fear failure or being rejected or hurt so they unconsciously remain closed off to others without even realizing it. This is especially true in relationships because the bond and connection require a deeper amount of intimacy than just a social connection or friendship.
When emotional barriers are present, it can prohibit the person from building a truly deep connection with another. They tend to be more guarded, standoffish and unable to fully form a secure attachment with someone else. This affects the closeness and attachment in the relationship and can create doubt and mistrust between both parties. When emotional barriers are blocking that attachment and connection the person can feel emotionally unavailable and often the other person does not feel that the relationship meets their emotional needs. This cannot only impact the emotional health in the relationship but also the sexual health, as deep intimacy requires trust and being vulnerable. All of these impacts can affect overall relationship satisfaction.
Can we unknowingly put up emotional barriers?
We can often engage in seemingly innocent behaviors without realizing that those actions can create barriers and may be prohibiting us from forming secure attachments and deep connections with others. For example, simply not sharing how you are feeling or details about your day. This can come across as being closed off, distant and guarded and it can really prohibit good communication.
When people have walls up, they may be emotionally unavailable, meaning they do not talk about their emotions and are often uncomfortable when their partner expresses emotions. People who have emotional barriers up may tend to be more critical and judgmental of others. They do not want to put themselves out there in a vulnerable way; therefore, they tend to focus harshly on others.
Other examples of innocent behaviors that may create barriers include things like not ever initiating sex, hugging, kissing or any physical intimacy. People are often closed off from truly acting like themselves and letting their partner see all of their personality, identity and who they really are. Many people are also not being fully present in the moment with their partner or with communication. A person who has their emotional walls, barriers or guards up will appear distant, aloof and disconnected to the present moment.
Tips to breaking down the walls & being more emotionally vulnerable:
First, it’s important to become self-aware regarding issues around trust or other emotional barriers that one may be experiencing. It is important that the person is taking responsibility for their own trust related issues and working to resolve them. One way to begin this process is by practicing mindfulness or other self-reflection exercises as this can help in bringing more self-awareness and calm nervous or distrusting emotional states. This process will require you to also work toward building your own self-confidence, which can also help with building trust in your partner.
There are things to specifically work on with a partner as well to overcome some of these emotional barriers. First, work on basic communication with your partner. You can set up times to just talk about your day or how you are feeling. This can be something that is very brief, but when done on a regular basis, can be very beneficial as it becomes a healthy habit in your relationship where you are attempting to break down barriers and be more open and vulnerable. Next, share your feelings about any emotional barriers that you are noticing and work with your partner to develop strategies that the two of you can do together in order to break them down.
Another way to boost this process is to just start and be courageous by letting someone get close to you emotionally. This could be challenging yourself to share something emotional and vulnerable with your partner on a regular basis. This will push you to talk about your feelings, express yourself emotionally and open up to someone else. As you do this, it will become more comfortable, and get easier and easier. We can then begin to build trust and confidence that our partner is there for us and our fear reduces. We then start to build trust and become more successful with emotional bonding and attachment.
Lastly, set goals for yourself on how you can facilitate the process in your relationship. This may be that you will initiate physical contact more often with your partner or you may prompt discussions with your partner about how they are feeling if they have a difficult time doing so.
ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE
If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.
JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS:
If you’d like to read more on relationship topics and hear tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is a free, but private and closed online support group that is listed under the Loving Roots Project Facebook page. The group is facilitated by Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Coach and provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.
Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.
Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:
Tips for Getting Through the Holiday Season When Your Partner is Away
Having to spend the holidays away from your significant other can be a real challenge. As a military family, we know first hand the challenges that arise when you have to cope with maintaining connection through distance. Here are some tips for surviving the holiday season while your partner is away.
The holidays can be a joyous time where we spend time with our family, friends, and loved ones. For some, this is also a season that their loved one may be away or they are spending time apart. As a military spouse, I have to cope quite a bit with spending time away from my partner. Unfortunately, the time away can happen during holidays and special events. So how can you get through a special time or holiday without your significant other?
Here are some tips to coping when a partner is away:
Communicate beforehand: Talking about being away from one another, especially during the holiday season is really critical for couples. This can help each partner understand the expectations and feelings that the other has about their time away. This also gives you an opportunity to plan and discuss some special times to connect while you are away from each other.
Maintain connection through distance: When your partner is away, continue communication through phone, text or online means like FaceTime or Skype in order to continue that closeness and feel like you are present with your partner. Talking online, in particular, can help us to actually see and hear the other person as though we are in the same room.
Share the small stuff: Be sure to share details about your day. Sometimes sharing the little things can help partners feel as though they are in their normal routine and connected in each other’s lives. Chatting about the little stuff can often turn into deeper more meaningful conversations as well.
Surround yourself with your support system: Make plans during the holidays with friends or family who provide you support. It’s important that you reach out and ensure that you have a supportive group of people near you. Many people may not plan ahead to ensure that they have some helping hands nearby when they may be feeling down. This is a really important step that can help with our overall coping and functioning during a difficult time.
Come up with unique ideas to share: There may be ways to “celebrate” with your partner in your own way. When couples are separated by distance during the holidays, there may be creative ways that you can “share” a special moment together. Perhaps plan a time to “see” each other online and open gifts or celebrate in some way. You can also send gifts or cards with each other beforehand to open at a scheduled time. It is always sweet when you find an unexpected card in your suitcase from your partner. This helps to know that they care and are thinking of you. These small, yet unique things, can really bring closeness and togetherness during a time when you are separated.
Set up a time to celebrate when you’re together: Remember that just because you are apart this holiday season and on a particular day, it doesn’t mean that you can’t celebrate when you are together. Set a plan for when you can spend the holidays together and celebrate with just the two of you in your own special way. This can also give a couple something to look forward to during their time apart.
Positive Mindset: As hard as it can be to celebrate the holidays without your partner, try your best to engage in positive thinking. You can think of ways that this may be beneficial for you both, such as the heart growing fonder while you are away. You could also try your best to focus on the homecoming and a celebration once you are both together again. Getting yourself in a more positive mindset can help with any disappointments that you may feel along the way.
ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE
If you are needing support or interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are offered for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.
Free facebook group on relationships
Be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group: The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.
Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.
Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:
Unlocking Happy Relationships: Balance is the Key
Keeping your relationship healthy is all about maintaining a balance in different areas, such as preserving self-identity, expressing your feelings, resolving conflicts and keeping passion alive. Maintaining a healthy balance in relationships is key.
Most people desire healthy, mature relationships that bring joy and satisfaction to life. Maintaining a healthy relationship is challenging, but it’s also an exciting opportunity to work on intimacy and connecting with others. While two imperfect people can never have a perfect relationship, these ideas can enhance your love life--or try modifying the tips to improve friendships or family relationships.
Be Yourself
Many have known a friend or family member who, the moment she begins a relationship, separates from people and activities she once enjoyed.
Cultivating your own interests, activities and friends is crucial to overall happiness and often results in a more satisfying relationship. The goal is to preserve each individual’s identity while investing time and effort together.
He Says, She Says
We all have expectations, especially for our relationships. Many assume our partners should know our wants and needs but when they fail to have the magic ability to read our minds, we experience disappointment.
It’s important for both partners to talk about their feelings and expectations – and just as important to listen. This is particularly true if your partner is less verbal than you.
Mutual communication inspires a sense of safety, promotes confidence and encourages the honest expression of feelings. It creates a better environment for love -- and passion!
To Forgive is Divine
Of course, fights and arguments are inevitable. But if conflicts are not properly resolved, couples find themselves in a negative pattern of arguing, including nagging, becoming emotionally detached or using sex as a bargaining tool.
In a hurry to ease the tension during a conflict, we often “kiss and make up,” convincing ourselves and our partners that the issue at hand has been resolved. In fact, if forgiveness is not extended, old arguments can resurface to hurt our partners. It’s easy to get in this rut when we are unable to let go of hurtful events from the past.
Ideally, a conflict ends with true forgiveness, a difficult step that takes practice. It is much easier to hold grudges and resentments than to forgive and move forward. Learning to genuinely forgive will ease tensions and lead to a more peaceful relationship.
Keep Courting
After a period of time, many couples experience a roadblock: They like the comfort and familiarity of a long-term relationship, but the routine makes them feel tired and bored; they complain there isn’t a spark. This is sign that change is needed!
Just like a summer romance that swept you off your feet, your long-term relationship can be passionate and exciting. Try mimicking your courtship with creative date nights; you’ll both remember the exhilaration of young love. Don’t underestimate the thrill of spontaneity and trying something new together.
Keeping your relationship healthy is all about maintaining a balance in these areas: preserving self-identity, expressing your feelings, resolving conflicts, keeping passion alive. Relationships can be tough and challenging, but also joyful and exciting.
Good luck in your life’s journey to find love, happiness and balance!
ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE
If you are needing support or interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Online services are provided online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you and your partner to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.
Free Facebook Group for Couples
Be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group: The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.
Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.
Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:
Loving Roots Project
A brief blog about the Loving Roots Project to discuss the goals, mission and the foundation of the project.
As a psychologist and wellness coach, I’ve spent many years studying human behavior and working with clients in a variety of settings to make positive changes in their lives. My experience seeing how difficult this process can be, yet also how empowering, beautiful, at times crucial, and always inspiring is what drove me to embark on this venture.
I started the Loving Roots Project with the mission of reaching out to as many people as possible with positive messages about personal growth and development. I hope to share inspirational content on this blog, webpage, and social media to promote positivity and empower others on their journey.
The name Loving Roots Project represents first solidifying a foundation of self-love. The importance of our core being solid is critical before working on lasting, healthy love in our relationships, as well as a bigger mission of love, kindness, and positivity in our communities.
Self-love is one of the most important aspects of living a healthier, happier and more meaningful life. Many people may worry that this is selfish, but it is actually quite the opposite. We are able to be more loving, caring and helpful to those around us when we have a healthy love for ourself FIRST. You often hear the analogy on an airplane to put your oxygen mask on first before putting your child’s on or helping others around you. This is a similar concept. If you are not in a good place in your own life, you will have a harder time being positive and productive with other activities and relationships.
The bigger picture is that after we’ve established a healthier love for self and engage in healthy relationships, then we naturally carry a kindness that is spread to those around us. This idea is based on feeling good inside and in our relationships so that we enter the world with more kindness, compassion and gratitude. How many times have you seen messages of hate posted online or spoken in your community and when you really analyze the position of the person who made such a statement, most people would agree that they can see hate, anger and unhappiness. When people are happy and feel good about themselves, they generally want to spread kindness and joy to others.
With these principles in mind, I hope that the Loving Roots Project can help to motivate others to work on their own roots and core. That they begin the process of self-love first and work toward living the best life they can. Then, spreading this same idea to those around them and engaging in positive and healthy relationships. This will only helps us to maintain more uplifting, kind and compassionate communities.
ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE
If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Online services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. These services are available for couples or individuals. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.
Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.
Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:
While we may all know that quality time with our partners is essential as it boosts our connection, it can be challenging to think of new and creative ways to spend time together. Many couples may face challenges arranging babysitting, and others may be financially strained due to rising living costs, finding going out to be expensive. Alternatively, some may simply enjoy the comfort of their own home and, therefore, would like to find activities they can enjoy there.