Conflict Resolution for Couples

Arguments are inevitable in relationships. However, there are some important tips to helping couples have arguments that are more productive and result in understanding and forward progress. These conflict resolution tips are more helpful than continuing negativity and hurtful statements, which can build more resentment between partners.

Tips to resolve conflict and argue more fairly & productively:

1. Establish a time to talk: 

It’s important that both parties are going into a situation prepared to talk and come to a mutual understanding. It’s a common occurrence that one partner is ready to talk and bombards the other person before they are ready, which can result in further argument and a negative situation. So preface the situation by asking your partner if they are ready to talk or set up a time you both agree upon. This will help ensure that both parties are ready and willing, which can lead to more effective communication.

2. Prepare: 

Preparation before communicating with your partner is an important, but often overlooked step in conflict resolution. Preparing does not mean you are coming up with ammunition to yell at your partner, but more that you are preparing yourself mentally and emotionally to come to resolution. This will allow you to process your own thoughts and feelings about the situation and prepare yourself for what you hope to speak about. This provides time to calm yourself and really explore how you are feeling and what is important to you in this situation. 

To accomplish this, it is recommended to make a list with two parts to it: 

A. First: List the relevant topics that you would like to cover. Perhaps this is where you list things that have upset you. 

B. Second: Write about how you are feeling and why these topics are important to you. 

Now before presenting this list to your partner, flip it around. Start with talking about your feelings first, rather than jumping immediately to what has upset you.  The reason this is important is that most people are willing to listen with open ears when they hear these more vulnerable things from their partner rather than feeling blamed or as though their partner is constantly pointing the finger. So try starting with the vulnerable info first and see if this helps the conversation be more productive.

3. Calm Yourself: 

This is a really crucial step prior to talking with your partner as well as during the communication, that you calm yourself. It’s essential that you feel more calm and in control of your emotional state when talking through difficult and challenging material. If you find that you are feeling too upset to effectively communicate, then delay your talk to another day. Give yourself time. People often jump into having a conversation too quickly, when emotions are running too high and this just results in anger, yelling, and further arguments.

4. Talk with the Goal of Understanding & Being Understood: 

Most people enter a conversation with their partner with a goal of being heard. They want to get their point across and that is it. Be sure to focus on listening and understanding during the discussion. This means actually talking and not yelling, interrupting or criticizing. Make it a goal to actually understand your partner’s point of view in addition to getting your point across. This means that it is important to make it a primary focus to understand your partner’s point of view, even if you don’t agree with it and then to express your own point of view. This simple act of being heard and understanding your partner can have a meaningful impact that can often greatly reduce disagreements, better calm the situation and have a more productive argument. 

5. Forgive & Let Go:

This is a key step and it is really the definition of resolution. Forgiveness is essential. When you resolve something, that does not mean that you will forget it or pretend that it did not happen, it means that you will heal from it. It is important that we do not continue to throw arguments in our partner’s face or bring up past material once we have agreed to forgive and move forward. Make it a goal to actually move forward.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals or couples. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS:

If you’d like to read more on relationship topics and hear tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is a free, but private and closed online support group that is listed under the Loving Roots Project Facebook page. The group is facilitated by Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Coach and provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Tips for Surviving the Engagement Period

The engagement period is such an exciting time in a couple’s life. They recently decided to get married and spend their lives together. While this is a joyous period, many couples can argue more than normal and this often catches them by surprise.

The engagement period is an exciting time; however, it can also be incredibly stressful. There are so many demands, pressures, expectations, and changes that are all happening at once. Stress, in particular, plays a major role in conflict during the engagement period. Stress can arise due to many factors, such as the overwhelming process of planning a wedding, the pressures, and expectations from extended family members or friends as well as financial challenges and the stress of change in the relationship. Many couples are dealing with tremendous change and thinking about their future changing, such as moving in together, merging your life with someone else’s or even the change of future dynamics and goals. 

Partners may have expectations that have not previously been discussed such as how involved one will be or not with the wedding planning. There may also be expectations partners may have about family traditions that their partner isn’t aware of, which can create tension with their soon-to-be spouse. Often, the engagement period brings up questions that couples haven’t addressed in a relationship such as finances, religion, children or family obligations as well as future expectations, etc.

Couples may then argue as they work these details and dynamics out, which then can create worry about the future, their marriage and merging their two lives. The engagement period is a time of change and transition that can result in more understanding of one another, but it can be challenging and stressful to go through. 

Many couples can be surprised and even worried when they begin to argue more often soon after getting engaged. While this is typical, many people fear that their future relationship is doomed. It’s important to understand that this is a transition time with a lot of change and stress, which can put pressure onto a couple and create more tension than usual. 

Here are some helpful tips to tame fights during the engagement period:

1. Let Go of Perfection: 

Couples tend to desire that everything be perfect during the engagement period. The apprehension of the future can influence how couples act and feel. Couples may argue during this time and then get worried that their arguments are a negative sign and therefore, feel apprehensive about the future. There can be expectations that everything will fall right into place and when it doesn’t, it creates worry and fear about the marriage. Arguing, when done healthily, can lead to a better understanding of each other and the relationship, in general. Couples must let go of any expectation or idea that everything must be perfect. Couples should try and focus on the positive, which is their connection and commitment to one another as well as learning more about one another through this process. 

2. Let go of the Small Stuff: 

Focus on the bigger picture, which is the relationship and the commitment that a couple is making to be married and spend their lives together. People can get caught up in the small details with wedding planning or family expectations when at the end of the day, that will not be what creates a lasting marriage. It’s important to stay focused on the connection between one another during this time and let go of some of the small stuff.  

3. Communicate: 

Although communication is always important in relationships, it’s especially true during the engagement time because of the amount of change that a couple is experiencing as well as stress. Talking about these issues is crucial to the success of the relationship. Many people can have expectations of their spouse that they don’t communicate to them. They tend to think that their partner will be able to read their mind and just know what they want. It’s important to communicate your needs so that your partner knows. If you are wanting your partner to be more involved in the wedding planning, then it’s important to express that expectation. Communicating with one another and finding compromise is key here. 

4. Continue Courtship: 

One of the most important things that couples can do during their engagement is to remember to date and have fun together! This may seem completely obvious, but it’s very common that when a couple is newly engaged, they have more stress and demands from friends, family, and wedding planning that they can put their relationship on the back burner without even realizing it. Dating is an important factor in maintaining connection and intimacy with your partner because it allows you the alone time needed to be present, mindful and in the moment. So be sure to take a night off and enjoy quality time with your soon-to-be spouse.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals or couples. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

---

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP About RELATIONSHIPS:

If you’d like to read more on relationship topics and hear tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is a free, but private and closed online support group that is listed under the Loving Roots Project Facebook page. The group is facilitated by Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Coach and provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

---

Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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