Do Insecurities Impact Your Relationship?

Insecurities can greatly impact a relationship. When someone is feeling insecure, they can project or take these issues out on their partner. This can create animosity, negativity and sometimes even cause their partner to feel the need to caretake or feel responsible to improve the mood and self-esteem of their companion. This causes an unhealthy dependency dynamic in the relationship where one partner feels a constant need to reassure and uplift the other. 

If someone is feeling insecure, they cannot be fully present in the relationship or be able to tend to their partner’s needs. Insecurities are internalized negative thoughts that can often turn outward and become negative behaviors, such as jealousy, paranoia or anger. These negative behaviors are often played out in the relationship and create challenging dynamics, such as starting arguments due to being jealous or even feeling paranoid and checking their partner’s social media accounts or phone. These types of behaviors, especially when they are due to someone’s insecurities, can cause frequent arguments, unhappiness and overall distrust in the relationship.

When someone is feeling insecure, it can impact all areas of their life. They may feel inadequate with their job or career, have body image issues or feel insecure with their family relationships. This can then bring down the overall happiness and satisfaction of the relationship altogether. Insecurities can also impact the sexual health of a relationship, especially if someone is struggling with body image issues. They may reject sexual advances or close physical contact because they are not feeling good about themselves or their body. When a couple is faced with problems in their sexual relationship, this can often impact their overall feelings of intimacy and connection.

Some causes behind insecurities:

Insecurities and fears most often stem from issues within the person, their background, childhood, or any emotional baggage that they may be bringing into the relationship from previous partners or bad experiences. We all have times of feeling insecure regarding a variety of things, the issue occurs if someone’s insecurities take over and begin to impact the health of their relationship or other aspects of their life.

We can often bring past emotional hurt or pain that we project onto our partner or our new relationship that hinders us from feeling fully secure in the relationship. For example, if someone had the experience of being betrayed or cheated on by their previous partner, they may feel more fearful, insecure and have difficulty trusting new people in future relationships. Insecurities can also stem from something much deeper, such as depression or anxiety. It’s important that if someone is feeling insecure, they address these issues as this can impact all areas of their life. 

Projecting insecurities onto others:

Projection is a defense mechanism that people use by unconsciously externalizing difficult emotions and putting them onto others. When someone projects their insecurities onto another, they are “taking out” their emotional issues on someone else. They may target aspects of someone that they feel bad about within themselves. 

When someone is projecting their insecurities onto their relationship, it will often be messages that are unrealistic or untrue. It may feel like the blame is being shifted elsewhere. The comments are usually unrealistic to what is actually happening and are more about their deep feelings of insecurity than about the reality of the situation.

When insecurities are projected, the topic and theme are usually about issues that your partner may have previously discussed as bothering them or something that they are struggling with, such as body image issues, confidence, or family related issues. 

Projection is also seen in a relationship if someone engages in baseless or unsubstantiated suspicious or paranoid behavior, such as suspecting that your partner is cheating or attracted to someone else, when in fact, you are simply feeling insecure about yourself and the connection in your relationship.

Ways to work on insecurities:

Exercise and get active:

The research has shown that being physically active and getting regular exercise can greatly impact and uplift your mood. Exercise can also activate endorphins and other neurotransmitters in the brain, which also help to give us a boost in mood and overall happiness. 

Take responsibility:

You feeling confident is not the responsibility of your partner or the relationship so be sure that you take responsibility for your own self-esteem and self-confidence. This requires you to believe in you and believe that you can feel good about yourself without anyone else.

Communicate & be open with your partner:

Just because self-confidence is the responsibility of the person experiencing it, does not mean you should not have an open and honest conversation with your partner about how you are feeling. Being open with your experience and your emotions can help your partner to better understand your perspective and provide you support.

Understand the root cause:

It’s important that if you are feeling insecure, you gain understanding about where this issue is coming from for you. Perhaps you feel uncomfortable with your weight or body image or perhaps you’ve been cheated on in a past relationship and you fear the same with your partner. Spend some time reflecting on your situation and think about where these insecurities come from. Having this understanding can help you to navigate resolving and working on these issues. 

Let go of the negative:

Working to let go of negative past experiences can be helpful in moving forward and building self-confidence. This is especially true if you have had bad experiences in a relationship before or even just personally. Holding onto these negative things and having them directly impact your confidence and your relationship can be heavy and burdensome. Letting go can provide a sense of relief and give you a fresh start.

Engage in self-care:

Having a healthy self-care routine is essential in managing insecurities in a relationship. A self-care practice includes implementing coping strategies for yourself, such as meditation, mindfulness, exercise, yoga, journaling, listening to music, etc. Engaging in activities which are positive for yourself can help to boost your confidence and self-esteem. 

---

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS:

If you’d like to read more on relationship topics and hear tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is a free, but private and closed online support group that is listed under the Loving Roots Project Facebook page. The group is facilitated by Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Coach and provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

---

ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals or couples. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

---

Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

---

View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

View fullsize

Coping With Insecurities in a Relationship

View fullsize

10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

Reasons Behind Lack of Affection in a Relationship

Have you gone through periods in your relationship where you felt your partner wasn’t as affectionate or addressing your needs for intimacy and comfort in the relationship? It can be quite normal in relationships for the level of physical affection and intimacy to vary. Relationships tend to ebb and flow when it comes to the intimacy level and closeness. People often worry that when their partner is not showing them physical intimacy, it means something bad about them or the relationship itself. While there are situations where that might be the case, there are also times that your partner may not be demonstrating affection and they have nothing to do with you or the health of your relationship. 

Here are some reasons behind your partner not showing affection:

1. Different Boundaries & Personality:

People have some basic differences with the amount of affection that they are comfortable expressing. For example, when someone grows up in a family that did not show affection often, then they may feel more uncomfortable demonstrating physical affection in their relationship. This has nothing to do with their partner, but it’s simply a different boundary and comfort zone for the person. It is not something that they are used to or comfortable with. Personality also plays a role in people’s level of comfort with showing affection. Introverts may feel less comfortable with expressing affection, while extroverts show affection often and with ease. It’s important that we have an understanding of our parnter’s comfort level. Another common theory showing a difference between partners is the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. He explains that we have different ways in which we recieve and give love. For example, if your love language is physical affection and your partner is words of affirmation, then you may continually attempt physical touch with your partner as a way to demonstrate love, but they are desiring words of affirmation. This difference, therefore, can leave people leaving feeling unloved or lacking in affection. This is a simple difference that having an understanding between partners may help with.

2. Feeling Comfy:

It is common in relationships, that when a couple has been together for quite a while, they can feel very comfortable and forget the key aspects of courtship and affection. When we are first dating, there is often more attention placed on demonstrating affection. Once there is a comfort level established, it is common to not place as much effort in showing your partner affection. This is not necessarily due to not desiring your partner, but simply due to feeling very comfortable and not putting forth the same amount of effort and attention. It’s important that we are continuously making that effort and putting forth time and dedication to our partnership as it is a key to happiness and relationship satisfaction.

3. Closed off to Intimacy:

For many people, showing affection is a very intimate act and when someone is feeling fearful or closed off to intimacy, then they will avoid initiating any affection altogether. This could be due to something that has happened to them previously, in other relationships, or even in childhood. The person may be more closed off and resistant to physical affection or even emotional vulnerability. People can often put up emotional barriers or walls to prevent being too open or vulnerable with someone else. This is an issue that is about them, their comfort level with intimacy and not their partner. It can be difficult for many people to show affection and not because they don’t want to, but because it is very uncomfortable and difficult for them to do so.

4. Off-Balance: 

Often, when we get caught up in focusing on other areas of our life, such as work, school, or social aspects, then we can unintentionally neglect other aspects of our life. This may not be due to not desiring our partner or the relationship, but simply because our attention is focused elsewhere. It is common that if one partner has something major happening in their life that is taking their full focus or creating high levels of stress, such as a major work project, then they can get off balance and “forget” to demonstrate affection with their partner. It really takes having a healthy balance and putting your partner and relationship as a priority to maintain physical affection, intimacy, and connection in the partnership. 

5. Insecurities & Difficulty with Vulnerability:

There can be times when someone may not be feeling as secure or confident within themselves. This could be due to body image issues or just overall self-esteem. Many times when someone is not feeling confident, they will not want to initiate affection. Demonstrating affection does take courage and being vulnerable; therefore, if someone is not feeling brave or wanting to put themselves out there in a vulnerable way, then they will not be as willing to demonstrating affection. This again has to do with their own issues related to self-esteem and confidence and nothing to do with their partner.

6. Mental Health:

It is common that when someone is experiencing a disturbance in their emotional and mental health, they may not demonstrate as much affection as they would at other times. Some mental health examples include depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, or even obsessive compulsive disorder. When someone is under distress due to an imbalance of emotions, then they are less like to show their partner affection. If you notice your partner is experiencing mental health symptoms, then it is important to talk with them about how they are feeling and ask if you can be of support or help them to seek professional help.

Although the reasons above demonstrate that the lack of affection in a relationship may not be due to a lack of love toward a partner or even an indication of the health of the relationship, often and over time, this lack of affection can be damaging to a partnership and have a direct impact on the happiness of the couple.

So what can you do?

Read more in our blog on Ways to Increase Affection in Your Relationship:

---

Online services are available

If you are needing support or are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & has increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

---

Free Facebook Group About Relationships

If you’d like to hear more on relationship topics and tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free and closed Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that is closed and private. It provides tips and inspirational material for couples as well as supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

---

---

See more of our Blogs & Videos below for tips on relationships & mental wellness:

---

View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

View fullsize

Coping With Insecurities in a Relationship

View fullsize

10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

---

Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

---