Maintaining Connection After Having a Baby

Having children can change the dynamics in our relationships and in our family structure. It can be a difficult adjustment period for many and often the challenges of caring for a child can have a direct impact on the intimacy levels in marriage. Just finding a few moments alone with your partner can be incredibly difficult and often when we have those moments, that’s when we need to get errands done, take a shower, or the many other million things on our list. Sitting down to just focus on our partner and talk is not usually the highest on our priority list, but it should be! Maintaining relationship and marital satisfaction is key to also having a happy family structure. Relationships take work and it really requires both parties to put in the effort, especially after having children. 

5 Tips to Maintaining a Strong Relationship After Having a Baby:

Alter Expectations: 

Give yourself and your expectations a break during this adjustment period. Having a baby and going through the transition of a changing family is difficult. It’s important that you do not set your expectations too high with how things “should be” in your love life or sex life, after having a child. This is a period when you should remain as flexible in your expectations as possible. So many things can change and be different from what we expected. If we are too focused on forcing them to be a certain way, we will inevitably be disappointed and unhappy. 

Keep Up With Strong Communication:

Talking is critical in a relationship and especially during the postpartum period. When a couple is going through the transition of bringing a new baby into the home, it’s important that they are talking along the way about how they are feeling and what needs they may have. For example, there can often be challenges with care-taking of a newborn and checking-in regularly with your partner is very important to maintain clear expectations and understanding during this time. One of the common challenges during adjusting to life with a baby is that many partners feel they are giving 80% of the work and care while their partner is only giving 20. Interestingly, your partner often feels the same way, which creates a disconnect and sometimes anger and resentment. Therefore, strong communication about how you are feeling is very important during this time as well as thoroughly discussing how to divvy up chores and duties around the house so that everyone feels comfortable with their role.

Outside of care-taking of an infant, communication is also key in maintaining intimacy and talking about your relationship and sexual needs. It’s important that couples are also talking about things outside of just the baby. The postpartum period can feel that life revolves around only the baby and often, it does, but it’s important if you are wanting to maintain a healthy and well-connected relationship, that you are embracing other factors in your relationship as well. Keep lines of communication open and strong about all aspects of your lives. 

Feel Good About You & Practice Self-Care:

After a baby, so many things can change, including our bodies, hormones and body image, especially for the partner who has given birth. It can be difficult to feel sexy in your own skin. Even for partners who haven’t physically given birth, just the shift in relationship dynamics and sometimes the lack of intimacy and sex can impact self-esteem and how people view themselves and their relationship. 

Practicing self-care is critical to reducing stress during the postpartum period as well as improving self-esteem, which both of these factors play a direct role in our relationship and satisfaction. It can be a challenge to balance infant care-taking with self-care and relationship work. Remember that a simple self-care practice is not necessarily something that is lengthy and time-consuming. You can do a quick activity in order to benefit yourself and your self-esteem with just a few minutes each day. While finding a few moments of free time each day is difficult with a child, just understand the importance of this activity to your ability to be a good parent and a good partner in your marriage. It’s definitely worth the effort. 

Embrace Changes in Your Sex Life:

Having a baby does not have to completely destroy your sex life. It may drastically change it, but with a little work, you can still have a very successful intimate and romantic connection with your partner. As we covered in the first tip, review and adjust your expectations. Many couples want their sex life to return to their pre-baby days and it just might not be possible, so it’s important to explore new ways to make intimacy work for you. It’s important to remember that after having a baby, especially for the new mother, hormones are still adjusting in the body and sexual desire may be lower. Also, as with a self-care practice, the postpartum period can impact one’s self-esteem and body image; therefore, having an impact on their sexual desire. So be sure to work on your own self-care and give yourself some time for your body and hormones to readjust. 

Many couples want the spontaneity in their sex life and while that can be very important, the reality is, it may not be possible with small children in your home. Life is hard after a baby and things might not be as smooth. So first, focus on bringing back the intimacy in any way that you can, even if it is scheduled. Later, you can work on spontaneity. This may include scheduling times to have sex with your partner that are during nap times for the baby or it might be a quickie at lunchtime when you used to take more time together in the evening. Your sex life may appear differently after having a baby, but it doesn’t have to completely go away. Find alternatives that work for you and your partner. 

Make Time for Intimacy:

While your sex life is essential in your relationship, just being intimate, close and well-connected is extremely important. Intimacy may include sex, but it doesn’t always. Sometimes it is just holding your partner’s hand and feeling close to them. So after a baby, make time to be emotionally present with your partner. Take the time to actually be engaged and connected to one another. It’s a time you can turn off the tv, put off the chores for 20 minutes and spend time actually talking to one another. 

When a couple is in the transition period of having a new baby, they can often focus on the long list of things that need to get done around the house or simply taking a much-needed nap when they get a moment alone. While you must also do those things (remember how important self-care is also), you must also find balance, even a few minutes every week, to just connect and check-in with your partner. Putting forth this effort into your relationship leads to a stronger connection and higher marital satisfaction.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals or couples. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS:

If you’d like to read more on relationship topics and hear tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is a free, but private and closed online support group that is listed under the Loving Roots Project Facebook page. The group is facilitated by Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Coach and provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & videos:

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10 Tips for Couples

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Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

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5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

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Coping With Insecurities in a Relationship

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10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

Reasons Behind Lack of Affection in a Relationship

Have you gone through periods in your relationship where you felt your partner wasn’t as affectionate or addressing your needs for intimacy and comfort in the relationship? It can be quite normal in relationships for the level of physical affection and intimacy to vary. Relationships tend to ebb and flow when it comes to the intimacy level and closeness. People often worry that when their partner is not showing them physical intimacy, it means something bad about them or the relationship itself. While there are situations where that might be the case, there are also times that your partner may not be demonstrating affection and they have nothing to do with you or the health of your relationship. 

Here are some reasons behind your partner not showing affection:

1. Different Boundaries & Personality:

People have some basic differences with the amount of affection that they are comfortable expressing. For example, when someone grows up in a family that did not show affection often, then they may feel more uncomfortable demonstrating physical affection in their relationship. This has nothing to do with their partner, but it’s simply a different boundary and comfort zone for the person. It is not something that they are used to or comfortable with. Personality also plays a role in people’s level of comfort with showing affection. Introverts may feel less comfortable with expressing affection, while extroverts show affection often and with ease. It’s important that we have an understanding of our parnter’s comfort level. Another common theory showing a difference between partners is the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. He explains that we have different ways in which we recieve and give love. For example, if your love language is physical affection and your partner is words of affirmation, then you may continually attempt physical touch with your partner as a way to demonstrate love, but they are desiring words of affirmation. This difference, therefore, can leave people leaving feeling unloved or lacking in affection. This is a simple difference that having an understanding between partners may help with.

2. Feeling Comfy:

It is common in relationships, that when a couple has been together for quite a while, they can feel very comfortable and forget the key aspects of courtship and affection. When we are first dating, there is often more attention placed on demonstrating affection. Once there is a comfort level established, it is common to not place as much effort in showing your partner affection. This is not necessarily due to not desiring your partner, but simply due to feeling very comfortable and not putting forth the same amount of effort and attention. It’s important that we are continuously making that effort and putting forth time and dedication to our partnership as it is a key to happiness and relationship satisfaction.

3. Closed off to Intimacy:

For many people, showing affection is a very intimate act and when someone is feeling fearful or closed off to intimacy, then they will avoid initiating any affection altogether. This could be due to something that has happened to them previously, in other relationships, or even in childhood. The person may be more closed off and resistant to physical affection or even emotional vulnerability. People can often put up emotional barriers or walls to prevent being too open or vulnerable with someone else. This is an issue that is about them, their comfort level with intimacy and not their partner. It can be difficult for many people to show affection and not because they don’t want to, but because it is very uncomfortable and difficult for them to do so.

4. Off-Balance: 

Often, when we get caught up in focusing on other areas of our life, such as work, school, or social aspects, then we can unintentionally neglect other aspects of our life. This may not be due to not desiring our partner or the relationship, but simply because our attention is focused elsewhere. It is common that if one partner has something major happening in their life that is taking their full focus or creating high levels of stress, such as a major work project, then they can get off balance and “forget” to demonstrate affection with their partner. It really takes having a healthy balance and putting your partner and relationship as a priority to maintain physical affection, intimacy, and connection in the partnership. 

5. Insecurities & Difficulty with Vulnerability:

There can be times when someone may not be feeling as secure or confident within themselves. This could be due to body image issues or just overall self-esteem. Many times when someone is not feeling confident, they will not want to initiate affection. Demonstrating affection does take courage and being vulnerable; therefore, if someone is not feeling brave or wanting to put themselves out there in a vulnerable way, then they will not be as willing to demonstrating affection. This again has to do with their own issues related to self-esteem and confidence and nothing to do with their partner.

6. Mental Health:

It is common that when someone is experiencing a disturbance in their emotional and mental health, they may not demonstrate as much affection as they would at other times. Some mental health examples include depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, or even obsessive compulsive disorder. When someone is under distress due to an imbalance of emotions, then they are less like to show their partner affection. If you notice your partner is experiencing mental health symptoms, then it is important to talk with them about how they are feeling and ask if you can be of support or help them to seek professional help.

Although the reasons above demonstrate that the lack of affection in a relationship may not be due to a lack of love toward a partner or even an indication of the health of the relationship, often and over time, this lack of affection can be damaging to a partnership and have a direct impact on the happiness of the couple.

So what can you do?

Read more in our blog on Ways to Increase Affection in Your Relationship:

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Online services are available

If you are needing support or are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & has increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Free Facebook Group About Relationships

If you’d like to hear more on relationship topics and tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free and closed Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that is closed and private. It provides tips and inspirational material for couples as well as supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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See more of our Blogs & Videos below for tips on relationships & mental wellness:

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View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

View fullsize

Coping With Insecurities in a Relationship

View fullsize

10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Free Facebook Group: The Couples Collaborative

Facebook has the opportunity to connect millions of people from all over the world with so many different experiences, opinions, and lifestyles that we can all learn from. So why not join and be active with a Facebook group?

I recently started: The Couples Collaborative, a free Facebook group that provides tips for couples, inspirational relationship quotes, and promotes positive and healthy discussions on challenging relationship issues. 

This type of forum is not meant to be couples therapy, but instead a member-led support group where people can exchange ideas, provide support, give feedback, and ask difficult questions on relationship-related issues. 

I will be posting weekly tips for couples as well as weekly thought-provoking posts that are either a discussion prompt to the group or an inspirational quote about love and relationships. I will also have a monthly post about date night ideas that we can all brainstorm and discuss together to come up with fun and romantic ways to stay connected with our partners. 

Click here for the free Couples Collaborative Facebook group: 

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals or couples. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Facebook group facilitated by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

View fullsize

Coping With Insecurities in a Relationship

View fullsize

10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

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Unlocking Happy Relationships: Balance is the Key

Most people desire healthy, mature relationships that bring joy and satisfaction to life.  Maintaining a healthy relationship is challenging, but it’s also an exciting opportunity to work on intimacy and connecting with others. While two imperfect people can never have a perfect relationship, these ideas can enhance your love life--or try modifying the tips to improve friendships or family relationships. 

Be Yourself

Many have known a friend or family member who, the moment she begins a relationship, separates from people and activities she once enjoyed.

Cultivating your own interests, activities and friends is crucial to overall happiness and often results in a more satisfying relationship. The goal is to preserve each individual’s identity while investing time and effort together.

He Says, She Says

We all have expectations, especially for our relationships. Many assume our partners should know our wants and needs but when they fail to have the magic ability to read our minds, we experience disappointment. 

It’s important for both partners to talk about their feelings and expectations – and just as important to listen. This is particularly true if your partner is less verbal than you.

Mutual communication inspires a sense of safety, promotes confidence and encourages the honest expression of feelings. It creates a better environment for love -- and passion!

To Forgive is Divine

Of course, fights and arguments are inevitable. But if conflicts are not properly resolved, couples find themselves in a negative pattern of arguing, including nagging, becoming emotionally detached or using sex as a bargaining tool. 

In a hurry to ease the tension during a conflict, we often “kiss and make up,” convincing ourselves and our partners that the issue at hand has been resolved. In fact, if forgiveness is not extended, old arguments can resurface to hurt our partners. It’s easy to get in this rut when we are unable to let go of hurtful events from the past.

Ideally, a conflict ends with true forgiveness, a difficult step that takes practice. It is much easier to hold grudges and resentments than to forgive and move forward. Learning to genuinely forgive will ease tensions and lead to a more peaceful relationship.

Keep Courting

After a period of time, many couples experience a roadblock:  They like the comfort and familiarity of a long-term relationship, but the routine makes them feel tired and bored; they complain there isn’t a spark. This is sign that change is needed! 

Just like a summer romance that swept you off your feet, your long-term relationship can be passionate and exciting. Try mimicking your courtship with creative date nights; you’ll both remember the exhilaration of young love. Don’t underestimate the thrill of spontaneity and trying something new together.

Keeping your relationship healthy is all about maintaining a balance in these areas: preserving self-identity, expressing your feelings, resolving conflicts, keeping passion alive. Relationships can be tough and challenging, but also joyful and exciting. 

Good luck in your life’s journey to find love, happiness and balance!

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support or interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Online services are provided online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you and your partner to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Free Facebook Group for Couples

Be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group: The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

View fullsize

Coping With Insecurities in a Relationship

View fullsize

10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship