Are "Date Nights" Important in Your Relationship?

Are date nights really that important in your relationship? The short answer is yes! It’s so important to remember that courting, dating, and keeping intimacy and connection alive in your relationship. It’s essential to the wellbeing and overall relationship happiness. 

Being consistent with having a date night or always setting aside time to spend alone time with your partner can sometimes be really challenging. We all know that life can be hectic, chaotic, and just plain stressful. So finding the time, energy and effort to get some alone time with your significant other can sometimes be difficult. It is very important that this not get overlooked, however. Once we get too wrapped up in our day to day activities and forget about putting importance into our relationships, we are letting the passion drift away. 

When people have been in a relationship for many years, it’s easy to get comfortable, complacent and not put in the work that relationships require in order to stay connected. We have all heard people say that relationships take hard work and honestly, they are exactly right, but this “hard work” does not have to be viewed as a negative thing. Working hard on your relationship can also be fun. Date nights are one of those fun aspects. Having connection, intimacy and relationships are an important social aspect of being human. It keeps us motivated, supported, feeling good about ourselves and loving of others. 

So now that we’ve reviewed the importance of date nights, let’s look at how you can establish this as a routine in your relationship.

Tips for Establishing a Date Night Routine:

1. Set a Goal: 

It is important that you and your partner agree on your goal for establishing a date night. People have various thoughts on what is realistic and helpful for them. While one couple may prefer weekly date nights, another may find that to be too much and too difficult to accomplish so they will aim for one time per month. Find what is right for you and your partner. Be sure to discuss this as a goal with your partner so that you are on the same page and have the same expectations. Having a shared goal, such as this, may seem simple, but it really allows both parties to know what is expected and puts the expectation on both people to carry this goal out.

2. Get Creative:

This is an opportunity to try something new and different. One thing to remember; however, is that date nights do not have to be going out. After working for many years with couples who were raising young children, it was very easy to see that sometimes finding a babysitter and making the time to go out was an impossible task. So you may have to get creative if you aren’t able to go out for a date night. One idea may be to eat a small snack with your children at the “usual” dinner time and then once kids are in bed, have take-out from your favorite restaurant or enjoy a decadent dessert with your partner. Set up something different and special at home. You could light candles in the living room or set up a nice table on the patio. This way if you are not able to leave the house, then you still feel that this is a unique and different experience than your regular routine. You can still bring in romance and intimacy even in the most familiar environment. The importance is that you and your partner are getting time alone together.

If you are able to go out regularly and this is an important aspect for you, then get creative! Make a list of new restaurants that you want to try or a list of fun activities that you can do together. Maybe it’s having a picnic at a local park, going to a concert, finding a local Facebook event in your area that’s new and different, or taking a day trip to a nearby venue. It’s important that both partners contribute this list and put down each of your interests. So take some time to brainstorm some creative ideas together.

3. Take Turns Planning:

This can be a fun step. Have each partner take turns in planning the date night to surprise the other person. So if you choose weekly date nights then each partner takes responsibility for a week that is theirs to plan. This is where you can pull in that creativity to find something new to do or surprise your partner with a thoughtful activity. Each person may have a different idea on what is important for them, which is why it can be beneficial that each partner gets to plan ideas that they enjoy and think their partner will enjoy also. This also changes up who initiates things in the relationship, which can be a nice change of pace if you have been stuck in a familiar routine with your partner. Also, this allows for each partner to feel surprised and it brings in an element of spontaneity. 

4. Enjoy:

When you set the goal, get creative and take turns to plan a date, be sure to have fun and enjoy the moment. This can be easier said than done. It can be easy for some people to stay distracted while on a date and think or talk about their work and/or their kids and not focus on being connected to their partner. The goal here is to increase connection with your partner. Do your best to disconnect from other activities and stay in the present moment. This is a time to focus on your relationship and enjoy the moment together. Date nights can provide an opportunity to talk about things that are important to your relationship that you might not otherwise get a chance to discuss so take that opportunity to be present and attentive to your partner. Having meaningful conversations is very important when it comes to reconnecting and strengthening your relationship.

Date nights should be positive, pleasurable and fun. So set up a date night routine with your partner, get creative and most importantly, enjoy!

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Here are some at-home date night ideas you may want to try:

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals or couples. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Free Facebook Group for Couples

Be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group: The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Reasons Behind Lack of Affection in a Relationship

Have you gone through periods in your relationship where you felt your partner wasn’t as affectionate or addressing your needs for intimacy and comfort in the relationship? It can be quite normal in relationships for the level of physical affection and intimacy to vary. Relationships tend to ebb and flow when it comes to the intimacy level and closeness. People often worry that when their partner is not showing them physical intimacy, it means something bad about them or the relationship itself. While there are situations where that might be the case, there are also times that your partner may not be demonstrating affection and they have nothing to do with you or the health of your relationship. 

Here are some reasons behind your partner not showing affection:

1. Different Boundaries & Personality:

People have some basic differences with the amount of affection that they are comfortable expressing. For example, when someone grows up in a family that did not show affection often, then they may feel more uncomfortable demonstrating physical affection in their relationship. This has nothing to do with their partner, but it’s simply a different boundary and comfort zone for the person. It is not something that they are used to or comfortable with. Personality also plays a role in people’s level of comfort with showing affection. Introverts may feel less comfortable with expressing affection, while extroverts show affection often and with ease. It’s important that we have an understanding of our parnter’s comfort level. Another common theory showing a difference between partners is the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. He explains that we have different ways in which we recieve and give love. For example, if your love language is physical affection and your partner is words of affirmation, then you may continually attempt physical touch with your partner as a way to demonstrate love, but they are desiring words of affirmation. This difference, therefore, can leave people leaving feeling unloved or lacking in affection. This is a simple difference that having an understanding between partners may help with.

2. Feeling Comfy:

It is common in relationships, that when a couple has been together for quite a while, they can feel very comfortable and forget the key aspects of courtship and affection. When we are first dating, there is often more attention placed on demonstrating affection. Once there is a comfort level established, it is common to not place as much effort in showing your partner affection. This is not necessarily due to not desiring your partner, but simply due to feeling very comfortable and not putting forth the same amount of effort and attention. It’s important that we are continuously making that effort and putting forth time and dedication to our partnership as it is a key to happiness and relationship satisfaction.

3. Closed off to Intimacy:

For many people, showing affection is a very intimate act and when someone is feeling fearful or closed off to intimacy, then they will avoid initiating any affection altogether. This could be due to something that has happened to them previously, in other relationships, or even in childhood. The person may be more closed off and resistant to physical affection or even emotional vulnerability. People can often put up emotional barriers or walls to prevent being too open or vulnerable with someone else. This is an issue that is about them, their comfort level with intimacy and not their partner. It can be difficult for many people to show affection and not because they don’t want to, but because it is very uncomfortable and difficult for them to do so.

4. Off-Balance: 

Often, when we get caught up in focusing on other areas of our life, such as work, school, or social aspects, then we can unintentionally neglect other aspects of our life. This may not be due to not desiring our partner or the relationship, but simply because our attention is focused elsewhere. It is common that if one partner has something major happening in their life that is taking their full focus or creating high levels of stress, such as a major work project, then they can get off balance and “forget” to demonstrate affection with their partner. It really takes having a healthy balance and putting your partner and relationship as a priority to maintain physical affection, intimacy, and connection in the partnership. 

5. Insecurities & Difficulty with Vulnerability:

There can be times when someone may not be feeling as secure or confident within themselves. This could be due to body image issues or just overall self-esteem. Many times when someone is not feeling confident, they will not want to initiate affection. Demonstrating affection does take courage and being vulnerable; therefore, if someone is not feeling brave or wanting to put themselves out there in a vulnerable way, then they will not be as willing to demonstrating affection. This again has to do with their own issues related to self-esteem and confidence and nothing to do with their partner.

6. Mental Health:

It is common that when someone is experiencing a disturbance in their emotional and mental health, they may not demonstrate as much affection as they would at other times. Some mental health examples include depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, or even obsessive compulsive disorder. When someone is under distress due to an imbalance of emotions, then they are less like to show their partner affection. If you notice your partner is experiencing mental health symptoms, then it is important to talk with them about how they are feeling and ask if you can be of support or help them to seek professional help.

Although the reasons above demonstrate that the lack of affection in a relationship may not be due to a lack of love toward a partner or even an indication of the health of the relationship, often and over time, this lack of affection can be damaging to a partnership and have a direct impact on the happiness of the couple.

So what can you do?

Read more in our blog on Ways to Increase Affection in Your Relationship:

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Online services are available

If you are needing support or are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & has increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Free Facebook Group About Relationships

If you’d like to hear more on relationship topics and tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free and closed Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that is closed and private. It provides tips and inspirational material for couples as well as supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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