Can Your Marriage Survive Coronavirus?

When the coronavirus pandemic and social distancing first began, there were many jokes that we would see an increase in babies being born about 9 months from now, but the reality is, we’ve seen increased tension, stress, arguments, and even divorce. So while some couples may be spending their time having sex, others may be arguing and feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. This is an incredibly difficult time and especially with this being a novel situation that none of us have had to experience before. Navigating new and unknown waters is challenging. Our lives have been turned upside down and there are so many new and different stressors that we didn’t have before.

Many people have children without any childcare options or who may not be going back to school at all, which means parents are learning how to homeschool while also managing their jobs and other daily responsibilities. Many have tremendous financial concerns or may have even lost their jobs completely. Lots of people are juggling working from home, but also parenting in a different way and without any reprieve. We are navigating a new and different mask-wearing world where there are many public restrictions and a lack of any social outlets. And it's stressful. Situations like this can exacerbate already existing problems in a marriage and even create new ones. That's hard.

Here are some tips to help your marriage survive a pandemic:

1. Communicate:

One of the most important tips is to keep lines of communication open. Often, couples let problems, feelings, or complaints build until it's too late and it turns into a huge argument. These types of situations can often be avoided if we maintain good communication as small situations arises along the way. Many couples are spending more time together due to social distancing and therefore feel that they are “talking” all the time because they are constantly around one another, but the type of communication that I’m referring to is not the day-to-day chit chat, but deeper, more meaningful conversations. Be sure to check-in with your partner to see how they are feeling and functioning during this stressful time. Having open and consistent streams of communication can increase the understanding and happiness in a relationship.

2. Establish a Routine:

Often we don’t realize how many routines we have established in our lives until they are impacted and we are unable to do them. Routines offer us a sense of normalcy. Do your best during this time, to re-establish or maintain a routine in your home. This may be your evening or nighttime routine, which is very helpful if you have children. Also, for individuals or couples, it's helpful to establish some sort of routine during the day, especially if both or one person is working from home and that is not typical or something they are accustomed to. Try creating a routine and have healthy habits throughout your day, with your partner, with your family, and in your household. This can provide a sense of safety, comfort, normalcy, and balance.

3. Give Each Other Some Space: 

Most of us are spending way more time at home than ever before and this can create a strong feeling of togetherness. While that might be delightful for some or even be good for a small period of time, it can also get overwhelming. We are not used to seeing each other 24/7. Prior to social distancing, we often had natural breaks that are plugged in during our day due to work or school. Now we are seeing each other constantly. Create space for yourself and your family members. Give yourself and your partner some alone time. Having that “me time” is essential to practicing self-care and promoting a healthy balance in your life and your relationship. While most of us may not have many options in leaving the home, you could try some alone time without your house. Perhaps, explain to your partner that you need an hour to yourself and take a nice relaxing bath, read a book, go to your workshop or the garage, close yourself off in a bedroom and lock the door or just find a way that you can have a few moments to yourself. This time allows you to clear your mind, decompress, and gather your thoughts and feelings. It's important to find time for yourself and ensure that your family members are doing the same. 

4. Create New Memories:

Get creative! This can be a challenge, but try to think about new and different things that you and your partner can do together. Create some memories during this time that you can share and laugh about down the road. You may try something different within your home that you don’t usually do together. This can also be very helpful if you are a couple that usually does activities outside of the home. Try some unique family time, such as game nights, hikes, outdoor activities, etc. Finding new and different activities together can create more of a positive atmosphere, good memories during a challenging time, and help serve as a distraction during a stressful situation. Read more here on our blog: 20 Date Night Ideas During COVID.

5. Focus on Health: 

While it may seem obvious to focus on health during a pandemic, for many it isn’t and especially if they are feeling stress and overwhelmed. Health includes both your physical and your mental health an overall mind-body wellness. That means ensuring that you are monitoring your emotional well-being as well. Be sure to practice self-care and encourage your partner to do the same. Also, try establishing some goals together that will help you two focus on your health and well-being. This may be cooking together and focusing on healthy meals or even exercising at home or trying a new online workout program. The point here is that by focusing on health, it can create a positive goal that you share to boost your emotional and mental health. 

6. Find The Positives:

It can be incredibly easy to only focus on the negative right now. There are so many negative things to complain about! Everything feels unknown, uncertain, and very unsteady. Many places are closed down or have restrictions and nothing feels normal. It’s very easy to focus on how terrible all of that is, but it's also important to find something positive amidst all of this negative. It may be helpful to write down a few things that you are grateful for. Perhaps social distancing has brought you two together to complete some much-needed home improvement projects or you’ve taken a step back from work to actually be present and enjoy a family dinner together. Look for some of those positives that you can focus on and spin in a direction of growth and progress.

7. Try Online Activities:

As a couple, you could try some new activities together. There are currently many options for online and virtual activities as most businesses have increased their online presence due to the limitations of in-person services. Try a new online class, exercise program, yoga class, meditation program, or even some shared games that you can do together. Remember, as stated above, new memories and experiences can help to change the focus from all negative onto things that are positive and exciting.

8. Have Your Own Experience: 

It's okay to not agree on how to feel or handle the coronavirus. Guess what? This is pretty challenging for all of us and completely new and different. It's okay to feel the way that each of us feels. Whatever that might be. Give your partner the space to process the situation or have their own experience with the COVID restrictions. We may not always agree and it's challenging for all of us. We all have different reactions, beliefs, and thoughts about the situation and the best way to handle it. That’s okay. It can be challenging to have different viewpoints in the same household, but we have to create space for those differing opinions. Constant debates or trying to prove a point can lead to resentments, disagreements, and further distance in your relationship. Focus on your own experience, reaction, and emotional processing while giving your partner the space to do the same.

9. Let Go of Control: 

It's okay that things aren’t perfect right now. They shouldn’t be. This is new, different, and hard for us all and we are all having to figure out how to navigate these waters. So many things are unknown and cannot be planned. While this may make some people feel uncomfortable, we must remember that we can’t control what’s going to happen in the future. Things keep changing by the minute. It's frustrating, difficult, and can make your head spin. The point is that you have to let go of that desire to control the unknown and do your best to move forward. Let go of the expectation that things will feel the way they usually do. You may try a mindfulness meditation or simply focus on taking a few deep breaths throughout the day to re-center yourself and let go of that control.

10. Be Kind:

Last, but not least, be kind. Show kindness to your partner and yourself. These are tough times. Be sure that you are viewing your partner, your family, and yourself with patience and compassion. Know that this is hard for everyone and we have to show one another kindness, empathy, and compassion, especially during tough times. We can often let frustration, stress, and worry build to the point that it impacts how we treat others. Be mindful of your attitude, mindset, and actions toward others. This is especially true with your partner as you’re spending larger amounts of time together, which naturally can create a challenging dynamic. By practicing kindness, we can build stronger bonds and connections together that will outlast the coronavirus pandemic and boost the love in our relationship. 

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For more tips on maintaining positive mental wellness during COVID-19 & the coronavirus pandemic, click here to read more:

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ONLINE STRESS MANAGEMENT & Mindfulness CLASS

Life in Balance: Stress Management & Mindfulness program is an 8-module online class to help you better cope with stress and anxiety. This program is a self-guided virtual class that you can complete at your own pace. This class will cover strategies for coping with stress as well as teach you helpful mindfulness techniques. Click here for more information.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support or are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Online services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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FREE FACEBOOK GROUP ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS

If you’d like to hear more on relationship topics and tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free and closed Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that is closed and private. It provides tips and inspirational material for couples as well as supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Tips to Getting Over a Break-Up

Going through a break-up, ending a relationship or divorce is a major loss and can be very challenging to navigate. Many people experience feelings of grief, loss and even trauma. It’s a major transition to lose a relationship with someone and it’s difficult to experience. Divorce can be especially challenging considering that many people have shared possessions, legal considerations, and even children that they must also care for through the process. 

Tips to help you cope with a break-up:

1. Take Care of Yourself:

Implementing coping skills and a self-care practice is essential to surviving the pain of divorce or a break-up. Try setting a daily or weekly goal of participating in at least one activity that will be beneficial to your emotional, mental and physical wellbeing. Some activities could include writing in a journal, meditating, exercising, taking a hot bath, reading a book or any other activity that you find helpful and healing. Be sure to make taking care of yourself a priority. You can set an alarm or calendar reminder to complete your daily healing activity. 

2. Use your support system:

Lean on your friends and family during this difficult time. It’s important to have a good strong support system that you can lean upon in a time of need. Having support helps by having someone to talk to, distract you, vent to or even to laugh with. Support can also come in many forms. You can find support with your friends and family as well as social clubs, community-based groups, and even grief and healing support groups. Support groups can be especially helpful to talk with people who may be experiencing a similar situation as your own.

3. Express your feelings:

If you find it helpful, be sure to talk about your feelings, but be sure that you are doing so in a healthy & constructive way. Many people want to vent and for a short time, that can be helpful, but if we get stuck on the same material in an unhealthy way and not move forward, it ends up being more detrimental than helpful. Talking about how you feel can be helpful with releasing hurt feelings and difficult emotions so be sure to find opportunities to express yourself and situation. 

4. Take the time that you need:

Don’t rush into feeling better and especially according to other people’s standards. You don’t have to jump back into dating right away and remember that responses to break-ups can be very different as every relationship, break-up, and situation is completely different. Some relationships may be short in comparison to others, but it could be that the shorter relationship hits harder because it was more intense. Perhaps your breakup came as a surprise, which can play a role in the response, reaction and how you need to heal. Again, each situation and relationship is completely different, which means the path to recovery and healing will also be different. Therefore, allow yourself the time you need to heal. 

5. Use Distraction:

Be sure to engage in fun activities or hobbies during your healing process. Many people may want to hide or find that doing anything fun while they are in pain is impossible, but it’s these distracting activities that can facilitate healing. By hiding inside your house or not socializing, you may find that this will cause you to constantly think of their ex or memories that you had together, which tends to make things feel worse. So when you feel up for it, distract yourself with a fun activity. You can try going to coffee or lunch with a friend, get a manicure or pedicure, go watch a movie, or join a new social group. The point here is to attempt to force yourself into finding a distracting activity that can help to facilitate your mental and emotional healing. 

6. Do something new:

Trying something new or spontaneous can boost self-esteem, excitement, and distraction, which can all be helpful when you’re going through a break-up. This is similar to finding a distracting activity or hobby, as stated above, but the difference here is trying something new. When we engage in something new, it can be very beneficial for our minds. It causes us to use more focus, attention and mental energy since we are unfamiliar with the task. New activities can be very helpful for your brain health as well because it creates new neural pathways in the brain and again enhances mental and cognitive focus and attention. These types of activities can help with emotional healing.

7. Engage in Reflection:

Self-reflection allows you to think about things that you may have learned about yourself while in a relationship. Take time to reflect on aspects that you liked and did not like about your relationship, yourself or your partner. This can be very eye-opening and allow you to be more self-aware and healthy for future relationships. Many people can see aspects or dynamics that they do not want in future relationships simply due to something negative that has happened previously. This again can help us to better future relationship as well as ourselves. 

8. Practice Gratitude:

Expressing ‘thanks’ may sound opposite of what you want to engage in during a break-up or while ending any relationship, but it can be quite helpful and healing. Try forcing yourself to find the positives in a very negative situation. This is similar to engaging in self-reflection as you may want to review things that you learned from your relationship and what you feel thankful for. This can be extremely helpful in the healing process. Expressing gratitude helps to boost optimism and happiness and it can lead to a happier and healthier relationship in the future. 

9. Use Caution With Social Media:

While you do not need to completely stay off of social media, it’s important that you are not giving into temptation and searching for your ex online or stalking their social media profile. While this can be very tempting and hard not to do, this can create lingering emotions and even stir up new emotional content, especially if you see current or recent pictures of your ex. This tends to be unhealthy and not very helpful in the healing process. Be sure to use caution with social media and engage in activities online that will be helpful for your own healing.

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS:

If you’d like to read more on relationship topics and hear tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is a free, but private and closed online support group that is listed under the Loving Roots Project Facebook page. The group is facilitated by Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Coach and provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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