Relationships Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt Relationships Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt

Tips for Surviving the Engagement Period

While the engagement period is fun and exciting, there can be many additional stressors and challenges when blending two lives together. Make sure to not focus on perfection, let go of the small stuff, communicate well, and to continue courting.

The engagement period is such an exciting time in a couple’s life. They recently decided to get married and spend their lives together. While this is a joyous period, many couples can argue more than normal and this often catches them by surprise.

The engagement period is an exciting time; however, it can also be incredibly stressful. There are so many demands, pressures, expectations, and changes that are all happening at once. Stress, in particular, plays a major role in conflict during the engagement period. Stress can arise due to many factors, such as the overwhelming process of planning a wedding, the pressures, and expectations from extended family members or friends as well as financial challenges and the stress of change in the relationship. Many couples are dealing with tremendous change and thinking about their future changing, such as moving in together, merging your life with someone else’s or even the change of future dynamics and goals. 

Partners may have expectations that have not previously been discussed such as how involved one will be or not with the wedding planning. There may also be expectations partners may have about family traditions that their partner isn’t aware of, which can create tension with their soon-to-be spouse. Often, the engagement period brings up questions that couples haven’t addressed in a relationship such as finances, religion, children or family obligations as well as future expectations, etc.

Couples may then argue as they work these details and dynamics out, which then can create worry about the future, their marriage and merging their two lives. The engagement period is a time of change and transition that can result in more understanding of one another, but it can be challenging and stressful to go through. 

Many couples can be surprised and even worried when they begin to argue more often soon after getting engaged. While this is typical, many people fear that their future relationship is doomed. It’s important to understand that this is a transition time with a lot of change and stress, which can put pressure onto a couple and create more tension than usual. 

Here are some helpful tips to tame fights during the engagement period:

1. Let Go of Perfection: 

Couples tend to desire that everything be perfect during the engagement period. The apprehension of the future can influence how couples act and feel. Couples may argue during this time and then get worried that their arguments are a negative sign and therefore, feel apprehensive about the future. There can be expectations that everything will fall right into place and when it doesn’t, it creates worry and fear about the marriage. Arguing, when done healthily, can lead to a better understanding of each other and the relationship, in general. Couples must let go of any expectation or idea that everything must be perfect. Couples should try and focus on the positive, which is their connection and commitment to one another as well as learning more about one another through this process. 

2. Let go of the Small Stuff: 

Focus on the bigger picture, which is the relationship and the commitment that a couple is making to be married and spend their lives together. People can get caught up in the small details with wedding planning or family expectations when at the end of the day, that will not be what creates a lasting marriage. It’s important to stay focused on the connection between one another during this time and let go of some of the small stuff.  

3. Communicate: 

Although communication is always important in relationships, it’s especially true during the engagement time because of the amount of change that a couple is experiencing as well as stress. Talking about these issues is crucial to the success of the relationship. Many people can have expectations of their spouse that they don’t communicate to them. They tend to think that their partner will be able to read their mind and just know what they want. It’s important to communicate your needs so that your partner knows. If you are wanting your partner to be more involved in the wedding planning, then it’s important to express that expectation. Communicating with one another and finding compromise is key here. 

4. Continue Courtship: 

One of the most important things that couples can do during their engagement is to remember to date and have fun together! This may seem completely obvious, but it’s very common that when a couple is newly engaged, they have more stress and demands from friends, family, and wedding planning that they can put their relationship on the back burner without even realizing it. Dating is an important factor in maintaining connection and intimacy with your partner because it allows you the alone time needed to be present, mindful and in the moment. So be sure to take a night off and enjoy quality time with your soon-to-be spouse.

ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals or couples. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP About RELATIONSHIPS:

If you’d like to read more on relationship topics and hear tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is a free, but private and closed online support group that is listed under the Loving Roots Project Facebook page. The group is facilitated by Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Coach and provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.


Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Ways to Boost Intimacy in Your Relationship

Maintaining sex, love & intimacy in a relationship is critical for its success. Read more for ways to boost physical intimacy in your relationship.

Intimacy is a key element to maintaining a healthy relationship, just like trust and communication. Like other relationship components, we can often forget or overlook the importance of maintaining these aspects in our relationship. They do take work and effort. So intimacy should go beyond a special holiday or only date nights, it’s important to keep intimacy alive and well in your relationship all of the time. And remember, physical intimacy is more than just sex, it also includes other physical affection like touching, hand-holding, kissing, or even hugging.  These types of gestures stimulate a physiological reaction in the brain and body. It increases things like oxytocin and dopamine, which make us feel good, safe and loved.

The research shows us that these chemical and hormonal responses in the brain can produce feelings of love. Oxytocin, for example, is stimulated when a mother nurses her baby, which again produces feelings of love, safety, and connection. So it’s easy to see how the brain has an automatic response to physical touch that can increase our feelings of love toward our partners.

5 Quick TIPS to boost intimacy in your relationship:

1. Hug & kiss often:

So this could be something as simple as a daily hug or kiss when you greet or say goodbye to your partner. Or it could be an unexpected or spontaneous kiss when your partner is least expecting it. So this may sound simple, but a kiss or hug can be quite meaningful especially when it’s done with positive intention. 

2. Hug longer: 

While a quick embrace is great, try hugging for just a little bit longer. A longer embrace can work to increase that physiological response. The simple act of hugging has been shown to decrease the stress hormone cortisol and also increase oxytocin, which again can increase feelings of love. 

3. Try some sweet gestures: 

Writing little notes to your partner, giving compliments or small gifts. When partners show each other small tokens of appreciation and thoughtfulness, this can also increase feelings of connection and feeling cared about.

4. Date nights:

Make sure that you keep courting in your relationship. Dating is one of the most important intimacy building activities that we can do because it allows us private time with our partner and allows physical touch and intimacy. 

5. Sex: 

Put in the effort toward your sexual relationship. This means taking the time, making effort, changing up routines, if necessary, and changing up who initiates sex. Many couples can get stuck into a routine or simply not put forth effort and time to maintain their sexual relationship. So be sure to remember the things that attract you to your partner and maintain the sexual intimacy and bond in your relationship.

ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP ON RELATIONSHIPS:

If you’d like to read more on relationship topics and hear tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is a free, but private and closed online support group that is listed under the Loving Roots Project Facebook page. The group is facilitated by Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Coach and provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Tips for Boosting Self-Esteem

Increasing self-esteem can be a very challenging task, but self-love and feeling confident plays an important role in our overall happiness. Our self-esteem can also impact our productivity with work, school as well as our relationships with others.. Here are some tips to help boost your confidence.

Many people go through periods of feeling down on themselves, self-conscious, and needing a boost in their self-esteem. Increasing self-esteem can be a very challenging task, especially if you are accustomed to being critical about yourself or easily fall into negative thinking. The following are some tips to help break this pattern, but it’s important to remember that you are starting a practice of more positive thinking and just as starting any new practice or habit, it will take work, commitment and time!

So how can we give our confidence a boost? Here are 6 tips you can start today:

1. Get moving & exercise! 

It’s amazing how much better we feel when we exercise and it is a tremendous confidence booster. There is such a strong mind-body connection that not only does exercise get your endorphins flowing causing an actual biological change in your brain, but it can also reduce feelings of stress, anxiety, worry, sadness and overall make you feel better. So take a walk around the neighborhood, dance in your living room to your favorite jams, and get moving!

2. Surround yourself with good people. 

Ensure you build a good network of people who encourage you, support you, and love you. We’re often in unhealthy relationships without even realizing it! These unhealthy relationships can pull us down and hold us back. Think of the people who you surround yourself with as a reflection of who you are and who you desire to become. Rid yourself of these unhealthy relationships and move forward in your life to let your self-esteem flourish. 

3. Start your day with positive affirmations. 

Positive thinking has been shown to have huge benefits in helping us feel better and increasing happiness. You can find many avenues for positive affirmations, such as apps, journals, calendars, etc. You can also write your own! Think of positive aspects about yourself and write them down on post-it notes or in a journal and read through them each morning to start your day on a positive note. 

4. Love your body. 

Feeling good about our bodies is an important aspect of feeling good about ourselves overall. It’s important to recognize that beauty is a state of mind and more than just outward appearances.  Think of all the wonderful things your body can do for you and view yourself as a whole person, both inside and out. Also, remember step one: get moving and exercise! There is a strong connection between the mind and body for overall wellness and happiness. The more active and physically healthy we are, the happier.

5. Find hobbies and activities that you enjoy. 

Engaging in activities that you enjoy can provide you with a positive outlet, allow you to socialize and meet new people as well as boost your confidence by trying something new. You can join a neighborhood group, a book club, an athletic or sports group, a community-based organization or a volunteer program. You can check out things like meetup.com or even Facebook to search for activities, events and interests that might be fitting for you. Being active with hobbies and interests can really allow you an opportunity to flourish and has so many benefits.

6. Set goals for yourself.

 It’s important that we are working toward self-improvement and personal development at all times. This is a never-ending process, not a single goal that we achieve and then we are done. We should always be on the hunt for personal growth and progress. It’s important that you continue to work on yourself, your confidence and your mind and body wellness. This will help you maintain your self-confidence and self-esteem as well as continue to grow and thrive as a person. 

ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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