10 Ways to Improve Your Relationship When Your Partner Won't

10 Ways to Improve A Relationship When Your Partner Won't

Relationships can be incredibly rewarding, but they also require effort and cooperation from both partners. When one partner feels unsupported, it can lead to frustration and resentment. If you're in a situation where your partner isn't actively helping to improve the relationship, it may feel like you're carrying the emotional load alone. While you can’t force your partner to change, there are ways to work on the relationship that may inspire growth and reconnection.

This is one of the most common complaints that I hear from my clients. I’m often contacted by one partner who is frustrated, hurt, and upset by the fact that they feel alone in trying to make their relationship work. They want to work on things, but can’t get their partner on board to agree to do the same. It’s important to stay on the right path for yourself and your relationship, regardless of what your partner chooses and it’s important to remember that we all decide to change at different times. So continue your path forward, while working on some of the tips below and give your partner that opportunity to be your teammate through this process. 

Here are 10 strategies to improve your relationship when your partner isn’t contributing as much as you’d like:

1. Lead by Example

Instead of focusing on what your partner isn’t doing, concentrate on what you can do. Show through your actions what a healthy, loving partnership looks like. For example, if you wish for more open communication, start by expressing yourself more clearly and empathetically. Try to steer clear of blaming, yelling, instigating, etc., and lead with kind open communication that will promote productive conversations between the two of you. When you take the lead, you set a positive tone, and your partner may follow suit as they observe the benefits of your efforts. You also show by example that you are making every effort to work toward a better you and a better relationship.

2. Focus on Your Own Growth

When your partner isn't engaged in improving the relationship, it's important to take responsibility for your own growth. Work on personal development by nurturing your interests, hobbies, and emotional health. By becoming the best version of yourself, you contribute more positively to the relationship dynamic and feel less dependent on your partner’s involvement for your own happiness.

3. Communicate Without Blame

It’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming your partner for the relationship’s challenges, but this approach will likely lead to defensiveness. Instead, practice non-blaming communication by focusing on "I" statements rather than "you" statements. For example, say, “I feel hurt when we don’t spend quality time together” rather than “You never make time for me.” This makes it easier for your partner to hear your concerns without feeling attacked.

4. Appreciate the Small Things

While your partner may not contribute in the ways you wish, they may be helping in other areas you haven’t acknowledged. Look for small acts of love or support and express appreciation for them. Acknowledging your partner’s efforts, even if they’re subtle or different from your own expectations, can create a more positive atmosphere. This may encourage them to do more once they see their actions are valued. Sharing of appreciation is an important aspect of expressing and feeling love and affection in a relationship.

5. Set Healthy Boundaries

If your partner isn’t helping in areas that matter to you, it’s crucial to set healthy boundaries. Boundaries are not ultimatums but rather ways to protect your emotional wellbeing. For example, if your partner isn’t contributing to household tasks, you might say, “I can’t manage all of this on my own. I’ll do my part, but I need your help, or we’ll need to adjust how things get done.” Setting clear boundaries helps define your expectations while giving your partner the space to respond.

6. Adjust Your Expectations

While it’s reasonable to want your partner’s involvement in maintaining the relationship, sometimes expectations can become unrealistic or one-sided. Take a step back and reflect on whether you’re expecting too much or demanding change on your terms. Everyone has different capacities for emotional or physical involvement at different points in their lives, so it may be helpful to adjust your expectations based on what’s realistic and fair for both of you.

7. Practice Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance means acknowledging the reality of your situation without resisting or wishing things were different. If your partner isn’t contributing in the way you’d like, it doesn’t mean you need to settle for dissatisfaction, but accepting the situation as it is can reduce your frustration. For example, this might mean that it's important to accept that both partners communicate in different ways or that your partner has a different style or expectation around cleaning and household chores. When you stop resisting or fighting against the current state of your relationship, you can think more clearly about how to navigate it without the emotional burden of constant disappointment.

8. Make Self-Care a Priority

When one partner is not actively contributing to the relationship, the other can often feel emotionally drained, disappointed and sad. In this case, practicing self-care is essential. Taking care of yourself emotionally, physically, and mentally ensures that you are strong enough to manage the relationship’s challenges without feeling burnt out. Engage in activities that bring you joy, connect with supportive friends or family, and make sure to nurture your own well-being.

9. Reframe the Situation

Often, we get stuck in patterns of negative thinking that can harm our perception of the relationship. Instead of focusing on how your partner isn’t helping, try to reframe the situation to see it from a different perspective. Ask yourself, "Is there something else going on that might be affecting their behavior?" Perhaps stress from work, family issues, or personal struggles are impacting their ability to contribute. Reframing helps cultivate compassion and patience, which can shift the emotional dynamic between you.

10. Seek Professional Help

When you feel like you've tried everything and the relationship still isn’t improving, it might be time to seek outside support. Relationship coaching, pastoral counseling, or couples therapy can all offer a neutral space to address the issues at hand. While your partner may initially be resistant to this idea, you can start by seeking individual services to gain insight and strategies for managing your emotions and actions. Sometimes, when one partner starts the process, it encourages the other to join in. This will also provide you with an opportunity to express yourself, receive support from a neutral party, and give your partner time to get on board with the process of bettering your relationship.

Improving a relationship when your partner is reluctant to help can be challenging, but it isn’t impossible. The key is to focus on what you can control—your own actions, reactions, and mindset. By leading with empathy, clear communication, and personal growth, you can create an environment that fosters positive change. While you can’t force your partner to change, you may inspire them to take steps toward reconnecting emotionally. Remember, relationships are about mutual effort, and sometimes giving a little extra can eventually encourage balance.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Online services are provided by telephone or online through a virtual portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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5 Tips for Living With Intention

In today’s fast-paced world, it’s easy to fall into the rhythm of going through the motions—checking off tasks, reacting to demands, and moving from one obligation to the next without much thought. But a fulfilling life doesn’t happen by accident. It’s built through conscious choices and deliberate actions. Living with intention means aligning your time, energy, and efforts with what truly matters to you.

Living with intention means striving for better-balance and living with more meaning and purpose. It means the activities that you are engaging in are worthwhile to you and focused on betterment. You are stepping out of mindless activities and from being in autopilot and you are ensuring your life is based on your own conscious choice of how you want your life to be. 

Living with intention is beneficial as it can increase our self-awareness, meaning, and happiness in our own lives. By living with intention, we set out each day to ensure we engage in meaningful activities that serve a good purpose and will have a positive influence on our lives. Here are five tips to help you live more intentionally every day.

Steps to Living with Intention:

1. Choose activities that matter:

Time is a limited resource, and how we spend it defines the quality of our lives. One of the most important steps toward intentional living is being selective with how you use your time. Assess what’s really important to you and try to live your life by your beliefs, values, and top priorities. When you get a good idea of the most important activities, people and experiences in your life, you will be more inclined to choose activities that really matter and are crucial for your betterment. We then spend less time on activities that do not serve a positive purpose in our lives. This tends to increase our overall happiness and purpose in life.

Some questions that you may ask yourself would be: 

“What makes my life worth living?”  

“What’s most important to me?”  

“What do I want out of life?”

“Does this activity align with my values?”

“Is this helping me grow, connect, or contribute?”

2. Work toward betterment:

Intentional living is grounded in growth. When life encompasses a path of self-improvement and personal growth, we tend to feel more fulfilled and have more meaning in our lives. Bettering yourself should be something that we all try and strive for. This doesn’t mean constantly striving for more in a material sense—but rather committing to becoming a better version of yourself. Personal growth is a lifelong process that requires constant work and attention. This could mean developing a new skill, nurturing healthier habits, or working on your emotional intelligence.

Progress, no matter how small, builds confidence and momentum. It reminds us that we have the power to shape our lives one step at a time.

3. Enjoy the moment:

Presence is a powerful ingredient of an intentional life. When we’re caught up in the past or worried about the future, we miss the richness of what’s happening right now. Being mindful of the present moment helps you to increase self-awareness, build stronger relationships with others and can decrease stress and worry. Often, people feel that they are “in the moment” and enjoying the present, but truly being mindful and practicing mindfulness can be quite challenging.

Mindfulness requires one to be aware of everything in the present moment, which includes their own body, physical experience, environment, surroundings as well as their emotional state, mindset, and thoughts. Being mindful and truly in the moment requires much effort, but regular practice can help us to be more present and aware that leads to living life with more intention and meaning. 

4. Strive toward balance:

Living with intention isn’t about doing everything perfectly—it’s about doing what’s right for you, and knowing when to shift gears. Balance doesn’t always mean equal—it means harmonious. Working toward maintaining balance and overall wellness in your life is essential to living your life to the fullest. Ensure all areas are well-cared for and if things feel out of balance, work to get re-centered.

Recognize when to work and when to rest. When to give and when to receive. When to speak up and when to listen. A balanced life allows you to thrive without burning out, and it ensures that your pursuits are sustainable and aligned with your well-being.

5. Make a difference:

At the heart of intentional living is the desire to leave the world a little better than you found it. Whether it’s through your career, your relationships, or your daily interactions, look for ways to make a positive impact. Small gestures—a kind word, a helpful hand, a moment of understanding—can create powerful ripples. Living intentionally means using your unique strengths and voice to contribute to something meaningful.

Helpful actions toward others, as well as yourself, can be beneficial to your mental wellbeing. By giving back and helping others, it can help us to feel better about ourselves in the process. Volunteerism has many known benefits.

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Living with intention doesn’t require a dramatic life overhaul. It starts with small, conscious choices made each day. By focusing on what matters, growing with purpose, staying present, finding balance, and seeking to make a difference, you can create a life that feels not just full—but truly fulfilling.When you live with intention, you have more passion, more focus and more attention to your actions, which can enrich your experience and your life. 

So take a breath, reflect on what matters most to you, and begin moving toward a more intentional way of living—one moment, one decision at a time.

Good luck to you in your journey!

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Developing a Gratitude Mindset

Gratitude is more than just feeling thankful or saying “thank you” to someone, it’s a deeper appreciation for someone or something that produces longer lasting positivity. Engaging in a regular practice of gratitude can give us many positives in our lives. Gratitude can change our perspective for the better and force more positive thinking. This positivity can play a role in having a healthier lifestyle with less worry, stress, and negativity. Research has shown that practicing gratitude can lead to an overall healthier and happier life.

In this article, we will discuss getting into the right mindset that will foster a sentiment of gratitude. This can be challenging, however. First, let’s review some of the benefits of gratitude and then we’ll review ways to develop a gratitude practice.

Benefits of Gratitude:

Increased Coping and Resilience: 

Gratitude allows you to be able to forgive and move on from challenging situations more easily. When we consistently focus on the positive, it can be easier to move forward when situations become difficult. Gratitude also increases our ability to cope with challenges as well as emotional and mental health challenges.

Gratitude can help people navigate challenges with greater strength and optimism. It shifts focus from what’s lacking to what’s already present, making it easier to cope with adversity.

Increased Self-Confidence: 

When we focus more on the positive, we often feel better, not only about the things around us but also about ourselves. Regularly practicing gratitude can uplift mood and boost self-confidence.  Gratitude helps reduce negative emotions like envy, resentment, and frustration, replacing them with more positive feelings, which allow for you to better focus on your own growth and confidence. Regularly reflecting on what you’re thankful for can lower stress and increase overall life satisfaction.

Increased Empathy & Overall Happiness: 

When showing gratitude, you are less likely to hold anger and resentment, which leads to overall happiness. This practice can also allow for increased empathy and care for others. Focusing on what you're grateful for increases positive emotions and overall happiness. Over time, gratitude rewires the brain to become more attuned to the good in life, fostering a more optimistic outlook.

Improved Physical Health: 

People who practice gratitude tend to take better care of their bodies. They are more likely to exercise regularly, eat healthier, and have better sleep quality. Additionally, gratitude has been linked to lower blood pressure and a stronger immune system. Expressing appreciation often tends to lead to less stress and anger, which have been shown to improve overall physical health.

Tips to start a regular gratitude practice:

Set a goal:

The first step to starting any new goal or habit is to simply set a goal for yourself. You can set up a timeline or date for when you hope to accomplish your goal and then tell others about your plan to hold yourself accountable. Be sure to make your goal reasonable and set reminders for yourself throughout your daily routine. Like any habit, consistency is key. Whether you practice gratitude in the morning, before bed, or at another set time, keeping it part of your routine helps it become second nature.

Practice:

Dedicate yourself to this project and achieving your goal. This means consistently working toward achieving your goal as well as practicing regularly. Take a moment during daily activities to pause and appreciate the present moment. Whether it’s enjoying your morning coffee or taking a walk, practicing mindful gratitude helps you stay grounded in the moment.

Allow for errors & keep going:

You must allow yourself errors and mistakes while setting a new goal or habit in your life. For many, it’s common that once they miss their goal for a day or week, then they completely give up and stop working toward the outcome. It’s important that you forgive yourself for these errors and just get back on track when you can. The most important aspect when you are trying to achieve a goal or healthy habit is progress. Just keep trying and keep moving forward.

Keep it simple

Try creating a gratitude journal. Writing down things that you are grateful for will keep things in perspective and remind you of the positive things in your life. Write down three to five things you're grateful for each day can help make gratitude a habit. They don’t have to be big—small, everyday moments like a delicious meal or a kind word from a friend can be just as impactful. Reflecting on these entries over time will remind you of the good things in life.

Simply express gratitude to others: 

Say thank you when you can. Express to others when you appreciate something they have done for you or for being in your life. Share compliments and praise for others. These small tokens of appreciation can go a long way. Go beyond private reflections—express your gratitude to others.

Reflect often: 

Include a gratitude exercise during meditation, end of day or morning reflection, during a walk, etc. Include positivity based activity or action and set a goal to think of one thing that you are thankful for. You can also get a daily inspirational calendar or engage in positive social media or apps that promote gratitude.

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ONLINE SESSIONS

For more information on virtual counseling services, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Remote services are provided online through an online HIPAA compliant web portal, which allows for you to be in the comfort of your own home during your sessions and have increased privacy & confidentiality. Online appointments may also be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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How to Live a Well-Balanced Life

Why is balance important in life? Have you ever felt overwhelmed with an area of your life, such as work or felt that your attention was being pulled in one area so you could not devote enough time to other things? These are examples of life being out of balance and for all of us, that can be a normal experience when it’s infrequent and happens occasionally. The problem is, for many, being out of balance is a common occurrence that creates chaos and stress in their lives. Balance is important in one’s life because it creates harmony, a greater sense of peace and life satisfaction and it helps us to be more attentive to areas in our life as well as productive and successful.

It is impossible to have everything in your life completely balanced and perfect order at all times. The goal here is not perfection as that would be impossible. The goal is to learn how to adjust to the “give and take” that life demands and continually strive to come back to center when you notice things may be out of balance.

For example, if you notice that you have had to devote a lot of time to work due to a big work project or assignment, which has caused you to neglect free time activities, your social life or your family, then when you get your work project completed, it’s important that you spend some time re-centering your life. This may mean purposely devoting some time and energy to things which may have been neglected. The point here is that you are constantly changing with where your time is needed and ensuring that you are continuously working to bring that much-needed balance in your life. When people allow their lives to be too out of balance and for too long, it can impact their work, their relationships, friendships, and even their health.

There are a few ways to think about bringing better balance to your life. One would be to examine your current levels of energy and where your time is devoted. So think about the most important aspects of your life. For most people, those categories include their work, social life, health, relationship, and personal time. You may have other categories as well such as school or spiritual life.

I have included this pie graph below with some of the most important categories.

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After reviewing your life and thinking about where you are devoting most of your time, draw your own graph or think deeply about what percentages you would give to the different categories. How does your personal graph look? Are you spending a huge chunk of time at work or on your romantic life and not enough time on your personal growth, health or spirituality?

The point here is to visually see where your time is going and to see what is lacking the most. Now that you have a good visual, set some goals for how you will make some adjustments in your life. How can you currently bring better balance? Some example goals may be to spend time with your family this weekend or to plan a date night for your partner. Perhaps you set some fitness or personal goals that address self-improvement or some sort of self-care activity.

The most important aspect is that you review your life on a regular basis to examine where you are spending your time and alter that as needed. Once you get into the consistent habit of adjusting and balancing the various priorities in your life, you will begin to see relief, less stress, greater satisfaction and overall happiness.

Good luck in bringing on better balance in your life!

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Life in Balance: Mindfulness & Stress Management

For more information about living life in better balance, check out our online self-guided class called Life in Balance: Mindfulness & Stress Management Program. This program is taught by psychologist & Loving Roots Project founder, Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt. The online class includes 2 hours of video content along with a program workbook that covers 8 modules on a various topics with corresponding assignments and worksheets for practice at home.

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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The Benefits of Mindfulness

The concept of mindfulness has been around for many years, but we are just now learning more and more about the positive impact that the practice of mindfulness can have on our mind and body. What is mindfulness? Mindfulness is a state of active attention to the present moment. It is bringing your full awareness and attention to your body, thoughts, feelings, surrounding environment, etc. 

Have you noticed that we often function on autopilot? This means that we just go through an activity automatically, without much focus or attention to it. This happens often when driving from home to work, for example. Since this is an activity that you do often, people can often drift off in their thoughts or not fully pay attention to the task at hand and accomplish this in autopilot. Mindfulness is the opposite! Mindfulness is having a complete awareness of everything you are doing and everything around you.

A simple way to start a mindfulness practice: 

Calm your mind and be very present

Raise your awareness to everything around you and you

Focus on your breathing, slow your breathing down

Observe your thoughts without judging them and release them

Sit for a few moments in the present moment

Check out our mindfulness video to be guided through simple and basic mindfulness practice. 

After engaging in mindfulness regularly, you may soon notice some of the many benefits. Mindfulness can impact our emotional, physical and mental health in positive ways. This practice is being promoted in many places due to the current research demonstrating such positive impacts. Many schools, places of employment and community centers are now promoting a regular mindfulness practice.

Benefits of Mindfulness:

Lower stress:

Mindfulness allows for moments of calmness and can help to lower stress and anxiety. The practice also promotes positive coping and engaging in self-help strategies. By consistently engaging in coping strategies, this can also keep stress and anxiety at levels that are better managed. 

Increased mental focus and attention:

This practice also increases our ability to be mentally focused and attentive to things around us and our thoughts and emotional process. The purpose of mindfulness is to be better aware in the present moment, therefore by regularly practicing this skill, people find that they can demonstrate increased focus and attention throughout their day and regularly.

Less emotional reactivity:

Since mindfulness is the practice of increasing self-awareness and better understanding one’s emotional and physical responses, this allows you to have more control over your reactions. People may notice that mindfulness helps them to reduce their emotional reactivity and overreaction to situations. 

More cognitive flexibility:

With regular mindfulness practice, you can also increase your ability to be cognitively flexible. This means that you can change your train of thought and mental tasks more easily. This flexibility allows you to switch mental tasks with ease and be able to focus on a new skill in a better way.

Improved connections with others:

Many people are surprised by how mindfulness increases their connection and relationships with others. Mindfulness allows for you to be more present, in the moment and aware when you are spending time with others. Being more present and connected in your relationships creates a better bond and more relationship happiness.

More in tune with your mind and body:

Since increasing mindfulness can increase your self-awareness and your attention to your thoughts, feelings, body and physical surroundings, this ultimately allows you to have a better relationship with your mind and body.

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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ONLINE STRESS MANAGEMENT CLASS

Life in Balance: Stress Management & Mindfulness program is an 8-module online class to help you better cope with stress and anxiety, as well as learn strategies for better balance and incorporate mindfulness. This program is a self-guided virtual class that you can complete at your own pace. Click here for more information.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & videos:

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Simple Steps to Creating Healthy Habits

A healthy habit is any behavior or activity that is beneficial for your physical, mental or emotional health. They may include things like good nutrition, exercise, self-care routine, stress management, or happiness related hobbies. These positive and healthy habits can lead to an overall happier and healthier lifestyle. 

When we focus on creating change in our life, one way to work toward this change is by creating healthy habits in our daily schedule. Many people may think of goal setting to create change and while this can be very helpful, for most, the longer-lasting change will come from creating habits rather than just short-term goals.

There is a major difference between goal setting and habit formation although much of the idea may overlap. A habit is more of an automatic response than a goal you set out to achieve, which forces you to think about and work toward. A habit is something ingrained in you and your routine, that you do it without much thought. 

Setting healthy habits in your life that can be incorporated into your daily routine show higher success rates with actually reaching the target than simply setting goals. The research shows that habit formation is more likely to last and create long-term response than goal setting.

6 Tips to Start Healthy Habits:

1. Make a mental shift

   Consider why it’s important to change something in your life and contemplate the good and positive reasons for doing so. You could even make a list of why your new desired habit is a good thing and write down the negatives for your current behavior or action that you are trying to change.

2. Think about the long-term

   It can be helpful to focus on the long-term and reflect on your life in the future. Think about how you would like things to look, whether that is with your health, relationships, work, etc. This will allow you to see things on a bigger level and change your focus from short-term goal setting to overall healthy habits. For example, if you have a weight loss or health goal, then it is healthier to think of it as altering your lifestyle to a healthier one rather than just to lose 20lbs. A healthier lifestyle will include positive habits such as eating healthy and exercising, which you can work to include in your daily routine.

3. Start small and reasonable

   One of the best ways to start a new healthy habit is to start small and build. People often set a goal that is too big and then it will be impossible to reach. For example, a goal may be to go to the gym daily, but a better way to start might be to focus ongoing 2 days a week, then 3, and so on. Again, as with the step above, you should also focus on your overall healthy lifestyle rather than just a simple goal as well. This can help you to be more successful with achieving the task and being able to better incorporate it into your lifestyle.

4. Incorporate the new behavior into your daily routine

   It’s important to plug in your new habit into your routine so that it can be more of a habit. Be sure to work out a plan for how you will incorporate this into your day-to-day life. When we can add a new behavior into our already established routine, then we are more likely to be successful with following through with this task. If we set something up that is not usual or regular for us and is too difficult to accomplish, then we are less likely to be successful.

5. Have cues to prompt and remind:

   When you plug a new habit into your routine, you must have consistent cues and reminders that will set us up for success to follow through with the new behavior. If you are hoping to add the gym to your daily schedule as you work toward developing a healthier lifestyle, then you may want to set a reminder on your cell phone calendar that will prompt you to remember the gym or even pack your gym bag and set it on the seat of your car. 

6. Have rewards that will reinforce

   It is also important to reward yourself for your progress toward your goal. This will help to maintain motivation and continued desire to follow through with your goals. So be sure to give yourself something positive that will encourage your continued hard work, such as some new workout clothes or a gym bag if you are working on a healthy lifestyle. No matter the reward, just remember to be kind to yourself and give yourself much needed encouragement.

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Using Positive Affirmations to Create a Good Mindset

Positive affirmations are simple statements that you can say to yourself regularly to help cope with a stressful situation or to improve mood and boost self-esteem. Affirmations can be such a simple yet powerful tool in our bag of coping skills. Positive affirmations can improve mood, decrease negative thinking, improve self-esteem and body image, it can also decrease worry, anxiety, stress and bring on a more positive and optimistic outlook.

Using daily affirmations can help you to work toward goals that you set for yourself and your personal growth and development. These are helpful when you are feeling down, insecure, worried or anytime that you might need to be uplifted. Many people undermine affirmations because it may seem too easy or even silly. But the power of positive thinking is very effective and it’s back by research. The studies have shown us that positive thinking can be beneficial in altering one’s mindset and effectively coping with emotional challenges.

The idea is that by constantly repeating positive statements to yourself, that is about yourself, your body, your relationship or your life in general, they will become engrained in your brain and you will begin to believe them and in turn, think more positively. 

You’re saturating your brain with positivity and training yourself to think more healthily. This is very helpful if you are dealing with an issue such as stress or self-esteem issues, then you can start each day with statements to yourself like, “I can do this.” “I am good enough.” So to start this exercise you can write down a list of affirmations that you can say to yourself and then practice that each day. 

It’s important when you are starting something new like this, that you find a place to incorporate it into your routine so that it becomes a good habit. But just remember, positive affirmations take time and practice and you need the constant repetitive nature of saying these positive things to yourself daily. 

You must find things that meet your needs and are specific to you. You can also write affirmations down on little sticky notes and place them where you will see them at the start of each day or even write them on your mirror so you that you see them while getting ready in the morning. Another idea is to listen to music or audio scripts that say positive affirmations. You could listen to this in the car on your way to work. 

Affirmation Ideas:

• Post-it notes

• Write on your mirror

• Get a calendar or journal with prompts

• Download an app

• Say it to yourself

• Say it aloud in the mirror or while you are driving

• Or you can listen to music or scripts that say positive affirmations
  

Example Positive Affirmations:

I bring good things into my life.

I attract positivity 

I am strong

I am kind

I am enough

I attract healthy relationships

I see the beauty within myself

Good things will happen for me

I can heal

I am grateful.

I can create my own future

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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5 Tips for Self-Improvement

Self-improvement is important. Growing as a person is essential to having a full and meaningful life. Living to your full potential means that you have to put forth effort into being open to changing yourself and continuing to grow. Ensuring you are being the best person you can be.

5 Tips for Self-Improvement:

1. Life-Long Goal:

Make it an ongoing goal to work on being a better person, constantly. It should be a daily goal and mission that you set and stick with it. It’s more than just a goal that you set and walk away. It’s a bigger process that requires constant work. It’s something that requires mental dedication. People may often read an article or see an advertisement related to bettering yourself, whether it’s physically, mentally, etc. and then they become focused on achieving that; however, once they feel they are in a good place, they drop their focus of this being something they work on. Make this something that you will continuously strive toward as it will always have rewards and benefits in your life. 

2. Boost Self-Worth

One of the main principles and a foundation for why this activity is important is feeling enough self-worth and believing that you are worth it. Believe in yourself, know the goal is important as this is your life and your ability to be the best person and best version of yourself that you can be. It’s important to believe in self-improvement and feels that you are worth this process and hard work. Once you have that foundation of strong self-worth and dedicate your time and energy to working on yourself, you can make quite a difference in your own life and ultimately achieve higher satisfaction and happiness.

3. Growth in All Areas

Make it a goal of constantly working on self-improvement in physical, mental and spiritual areas. It can be quite common that people resort to “spot treatment.” This means that when they are feeling “off” with their mental health, experiencing higher than usual levels of depression or anxiety, then they will seek help. Then they wait and when something happens again, either mental health or even physical health then they go get treatment for that issue. While this is a positive thing as we should be seeking treatment and help for issues that we are experiencing, it is healthier to maintain progress and growth toward keeping mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing at a good place. This means that we should constantly be looking at ways to improve our overall person rather than only when there are problems. This can help keep problems at bay when you have good maintenance. Get creative and look for activities and things you can get involved in, which benefit your growth as a person on an ongoing basis.

4. Positive Social Support

Surround yourself with like-minded individuals. This is the time to rid your life of toxic people. The people in our lives can often be quite influential even without us noticing. When we are surrounded by people who are negative, not supportive, criticize us or judge us, that can weigh heavily over time. So be sure to evaluate the relationship in your life to ensure that they are positive and supportive. Join positive groups and make connections with people who have the same goals. The better the people in your life, the higher and more positive the impact. You can all work to life one another up and support one another to achieve goals. 

5. Ever-Changing Process

Make this a process that is fluid and forever changing, not static. Forgive yourself if you get off track and then restart again. There isn’t an ultimate goal or finished project, but a constantly changing version of yourself who are devoted to self-improvement. When we have this mindset versus thinking of it as a final destination or end goal, it helps us to realize that working on ourselves and focusing on self-improvement is something that we must continually work on.

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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The Benefits of Giving

Giving back or volunteerism is simply the act of helping others in need. Giving back is something positive that helps others, gives back to your community and those in need and it also has many benefits for the volunteer.

Some of the latest research shows us that by focusing on gratitude and giving to others, it can increase personal happiness. Giving back can have positive impacts on both your physical and mental health. 

Many organizations provide wonderful services to so many people in need. There’s a great need for volunteers. This gives back greatly to our communities and saves resources.

The importance of the community:

• Supports families, daycare, eldercare

• Education programs for tutoring and literacy

• Opportunity to support youth with mentoring and after-school programs

• Clean up programs that beautify our local parks

Volunteering is important for many reasons, it saves resources in our communities, meets critical needs and gives better physical and mental health to those who give their time.

Benefits of Volunteering:

• Offer vital help to those in need

• Helpful to your Community or Cause

• Connects you to other people and increases social interaction

• Improves physical health by being active and reducing stress & depression

• Keep you mentally stimulated

• Gives you purpose and meaning

• Increases fulfillment & helps us to feel needed

• Benefits your career as it can teach you skills 

• Helping others increases happiness

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If you feel this is something that would be helpful to you and your community, here are some organizations that can help.

Resources:

• VolunteerMatch - volunteermatch.org

• National and Community Service - nationalservice.gov

• Volunteer - volunteer.gov

• American Red Cross - redcross.org

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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How Spending Time Alone Can Boost Personal Growth

Going into any activity with the right mindset can help to maximize the benefits. Having alone time is one of those activities that can have wonderful self-care and coping benefits, especially when done right.

So first, why is alone time important? Well, being alone allows the space for self-reflection and it allows you to relax and focus on your personal needs. It reduces our likelihood of being overstimulated and it allows us the space for healing, self-care, and practicing good coping skills. 

Our society tends to be based on instant gratification as well as being constantly connected and stimulated. But we are missing out on the connection with ourselves and the calmness that our brain can desire and benefit from. For some, being in solitude for a length of time without social contact or technology can be extremely difficult. 

One study found that we can spend as much as five hours a day on our phones, which means we are more connected than ever and we may find it challenging to disconnect. It’s important to note that having alone time is not selfish or abnormal. And solitude is not only for introverts. It’s an exercise of self-care that can be beneficial for everyone.

Benefits:

• Promotes mindfulness

• Increases creativity

• Allows space for daydreaming

• Increases problem-solving skills

• It can make you smarter

• Increases self-awareness

• Increases empathy

• Increases focus & connection with people in your life

• Improves your health

• Boosts energy & productivity

• Increases calmness & happiness 

• Helps to manage stress
  

Tips to Maximizing Your Alone Time:

Be mindful.

Think about activities and your time wisely. This means when you set the space for some alone time, choose wisely and with intention. Focus on what will be meaningful for you to do and be sure to put your phone away and stay off social media. This just allows you to reconnect with yourself during this time.

Make your needs a priority.

Think about activities that may be helpful for you or help with something you’re currently struggling with, such as your health or even stress. Keep an ongoing list that you can turn to when you want to spend some time alone.

Choose activities that focus on your self-care.

You can engage in activities like journaling, reading, gratitude, mindfulness, cooking, taking an online class, exercise, trying something new or something you’ve wanted to try, or take a nap! Rest and relaxation are also important to a self-care routine.

So be sure to schedule some alone time for yourself and enjoy the solitude!

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Can Being Kind Increase Happiness?

Kindness is often a disregarded and undervalued trait. While kindness can be an undervalued trait, it is important to note that true acts of kindness take courage and strength as well as demonstrate a great deal of interpersonal skill. It carries a great deal of importance in our lives, however. Kindness is simply the act of being good, friendly, and compassionate toward other people. It also encompasses an element of being altruistic, which means that you are being kind to others without the expectation of something in return. 

A few interesting facts about kindness:

Kindness can actually be good for you!

It can be helpful to both our physical and mental health. It’s been shown that even witnessing acts of kindness can produce oxytocin, which is often called the “love hormone.” Oxytocin helps to increase our optimism, confidence and even lower blood pressure. Kindness can also stimulate the production of serotonin, which can help you to feel happy. There was a research study done in Japan that showed that happy people were kinder than people who were not happy. So there really is a connection between our own happiness and being kinder to others.

Kindness has been shown to:

• Help us to live longer 

• Reduce stress

• Help get rid of negative feelings

• Increases optimism

• Lowers blood pressure

• Increases happiness
  

Kindness is contagious! 

After a person witnesses an act of kindness, they are more likely to engage in a good deed and “pay it forward.” Meaning that they are more likely to be kind to other people. Therefore, kindness is contagious and tends to spread.

To start living a kinder & happier life, here are some tips:

1. Start with being kind to yourself:

Remember that the happier you are, the more kind you will be to others. So first start with treating yourself in a kind matter. Many people find they can be critical of themselves or engage in negative self-talk. This includes that little voice in your head that may tell you that you can’t do something or that you aren’t good enough. Catch this negative self-talk and shoot it down. Engage in positive affirmations about yourself and your life. This will increase your overall positivity. Another activity that can help you begin to be kind to yourself is to make a list of your positive qualities and strengths. We can sometimes forget all of the great qualities that we possess. 

2. Be more present and mindful:

When you live in the moment, you’ll be more likely to notice people around you and see opportunities where you can be kind to others. Being more in tune with the present moment will allow you to view moments of kindness that may be happening around you that you would have otherwise not noticed. Research shows us that the witnessing of kindness can help us to feel more positive and optimistic as well as increase the likelihood that we will spread that kindness. The practice of mindfulness can also ease your daily stressors and help you to be more aware of your critical inside voice and therefore, increase the kindness toward yourself. 

3. Just start:

Do a small random act of kindness today or even this week. You can express gratitude to someone, hold the door open for a random stranger, or pay a compliment to a friend. It’s a small step toward a much bigger cause. Kindness is such an important concept for us on a personal level, for people around us, in our communities and neighborhoods and for all humans.

So remember - spread kindness today!

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Resources:

https://www.kindness.org

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-nourishment/201711/why-random-acts-kindness-matter-your-wellbeing

https://www.dartmouth.edu/wellness/emotional/rakhealthfacts.pdf

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & videos:

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A Holistic Approach to Mind-Body Wellness

There is a strong connection between the mind and the body. When you’re working on your own personal development, it’s essential that you address both your physical health needs and your mental health needs. When it comes to health and wellness, it is no wonder when we’re not well physically it impacts us emotionally and when we’re not feeling well mentally this impacts our physical health. This means that your mindset, attitude, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, your emotional state; they all directly impact your physical health and vice versa.

Research shows that mind-body therapies such as relaxation, hypnosis, visual imagery, meditation, biofeedback, even cognitive-behavioral therapy have all been helpful at managing certain physical illnesses such as arthritis and pain management. These studies indicate that mind-body focused activities can actually help to improve psychological functioning, they can reduce the symptoms of disease and increase one’s overall quality of life.

Nutrition has also been seen as having a large role in mental health and cognitive functioning. There is quite a bit of research that shows the brain-gut connection; therefore, maintaining a healthy gut with good foods can help to promote positive mental health and cognitive function. Nutrition can directly impact things such as memory, processing speed, mood (depression and anxiety) as well as physical energy and mental focus and attention.

What is having a holistic approach to wellness?

A holistic view takes into account all of our bodily systems working together to optimize our functioning. It means that we believe further in the relationship of all of the systems being interrelated and impacting one another. For example, nutrition impacting the brain, mental health impacting physical health or more specifically depression impacting pain management.

Having a holistic view is critical as views us as a whole being and takes into account all parts of our life: our physical body, our emotional wellbeing, our mental health, cognition, and spiritual being. This also goes to show how important things like nutrition are for both our physical and mental health. This mind-body and holistic view means taking care of all aspects of yourself and making good healthy decisions from a well-rounded perspective.

Activities to Boost Mind-Body Wellness:

• Make healthy nutrition food choices

• Pray, meditate, pause or breathe

• Engage in stress management

• Be thankful, engage in a gratitude practice

• Exercise your body

• Walk or get outdoors and enjoy

• Deepen your connections with others

• Foster friendships

• Positive thinking

• Production with work

• Active in hobbies and activities for enjoyment

• Get good sleep

• Focus on self-love, happiness, and greater self-esteem

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & videos:

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Steps to Forgiveness

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10 Tips for Couples

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Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

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5 Ways Pets Can Boost Your Mental Health

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How Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day

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Therapeutic Benefits of Gardening

With springtime upon us and stores putting out their seedlings, vegetables and fresh young flowers, writing about some of the benefits of gardening seem fitting. Many people engage in gardening for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, it is simple to create more curb appeal to their home, others supply flowers to create more sustainable homesteads, some provide nourishment to bees and other creatures who need them, and some people just garden because they love it. Did you know there are some wonderful therapeutic and mental health benefits to gardening too? 

Horticulture as a treatment intervention has been around for quite some time, but it wasn’t until the 1940s and 50’s that it picked up steam with use and credibility. Rehabilitative care programs began to use horticulture therapy practice with hospitalized war veterans. A variety of professionals now use horticultural therapy techniques to assist participants in learning new skills, regaining some that were lost, improve memory, cognition, language, and socialization. There are some specifically designed therapeutic gardens that are helpful for sensory-orientation as well as just incorporating the healing elements of nature. This blog will specifically look at some of the mental health benefits to gardening.

Here are a few of the benefits: 

1. Sense of responsibility:

Gardening can provide one with a sense of responsibility as taking care of plants can add a sense of purpose, meaning and fulfillment. This gives a person a task that they are involved in, responsible for and in charge of, which can be very important if a person is struggling with feeling unfulfilled, lonely or just trying to find meaning in their life. Many horticulture programs have community gardens that can help increase social experiences. 

2. Nurturing:

Care-taking of any sort can provide us a sense of being nurturing to another living thing. This allows for one to nurture a plant and watch it grow. Many people enjoy starting from tiny seeds, watching them sprout into seedlings and eventually grow and bloom. The process allows people to really care and nurture something that will grow and succeed. Research has shown that providing support and nurturance can lead to reduced stress, increased happiness and feelings of connectedness. 

3. Focus and being in the present moment:

It may be surprising for some, but gardening can assist you in living in the present moment. It brings you to the here and now and as you focus on the activity at hand. It can increase your state of mindfulness. This also allows for a nice distraction away from everyday stressors and some people use it as a means to process and let go of unpleasant emotions. The activity also promotes interest and enthusiasm for the future as many want to see their plants grow and bloom. 

4. Gets you active and outdoors:

Gardening can get you active and take you outdoors to tend to plants and water. Many people find that just being outdoors, in the sunshine and fresh air can add a very healthy outlet in their life. Many school programs with children and even some agencies for the elderly bring in gardening as a means to teach as well as keep people active. Gardening can be hard physical work and lead to the development and improvement of motor skills and muscle coordination. It also allows for sensory experiences due to textures, colors, smells, etc., which can be helpful in stimulating the brain and responses of the person involved.

5. Brings about feelings of success:

Gardening can actually bring on improved confidence and self-esteem. When you plant those seeds in the fresh soil and you provide water and wait. Then you wait some more and suddenly you see the green sprouts. It’s fun and exciting and it gets even better when those green sprouts grow and grow and then, there are tomatoes, zucchinis or peppers hanging off your plant that began as that tiny little seed. Gardening brings on feelings of success, accomplishment, and pride. It feels good to work at something and have it bloom and grow. It is hard work and not everything is completely successful, but when you do put in dedication for something, it can bring on positive feelings.

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Resources:

American Horticultural Therapy Association:

https://www.ahta.org/what-is-horticultural-therapy

Therapeutic Garden Characteristics:

https://www.ahta.org/assets/docs/therapeuticgardencharacteristics_ahtareprintpermission.pdf

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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How Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day

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Simple Steps to a Calm Mind

Rushing through our day-to-day lives, juggling work, family, and errands can be hectic, chaotic, stressful and constantly busy. It can feel hard to stop your mind at the end of the day. This mental exhaustion can have impacts on our concentration, memory, focus and even sleep. Taking a few moments each day to calm the mind and just breathe, can have incredible benefits. One popular strategy for calming the mind is through meditation or mindfulness.

Mindfulness is described as a mental state in which a person is highly present and aware of their own body, mind, thoughts, and surroundings. We are often not fully aware of how we may feel in a given moment or what specific thoughts are present in our minds. We are usually on autopilot. By increasing awareness of one’s physical and mental experience, this can assist in building appreciation for various aspects of life as well as gain better emotional control, focus, and even help to create more concentration, empathy, and lower stress.

Many people feel intimidated by the idea of starting a mindfulness practice. One simple way to begin is to simply focus on breathing. The act of focusing on your breath can slow you down, help you to maintain focus, and stay in the present moment.

Simple Breathing Exercise:

1. Pause & take a moment to just breathe.

2. Sit or lay down and get comfortable.

3. Close your eyes or leave them at half gaze.

4. Breathe in slowly and deeply while counting to 5 in your mind.

5. Pause with your breath for a small count of 5.

6. Exhale completely while counting to 5.

7. Continue this 5 - 5 - 5 pattern for several minutes while breathing in deeply, pausing, exhaling, and repeating.

8. Practice daily! 

Now that you’ve read through the instructions, practice and try this exercise on your own. Remember, breathe in while counting to 5, hold your breath for 5, and then exhale while counting to 5. Simple, yet calming.

Try this exercise for a few minutes each day for one week and see how you feel. Maintaining a regular practice can have many benefits, including lowering stress, increasing mental focus and attention, less emotional reactivity, more cognitive flexibility, improving connections with others, and being more in tune with your mind and body.

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Online services are available

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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ONLINE STRESS MANAGEMENT CLASS

Life in Balance: Stress Management & Mindfulness program is an 8-module online class to help you better cope with stress and anxiety, as well as learn strategies for better balance and incorporate mindfulness. This program is a self-guided virtual class that you can complete at your own pace. Click here for more information.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Steps to Forgiveness

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10 Tips for Couples

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Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

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How Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day

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Tips for a Better Dating Mindset

Oh the stress, the anxiety, and the excitement of dating! It’s a time that’s promising, fun, but sometimes down right daunting. There are many different things to keep in mind when embarking on the dating journey. Many of these things have to do with the way you feel about yourself, your state of mind and the overall mindset about the dating process. So how can you get in the right state of mind? Here are a few tips to steer you in a positive direction:  

Build Confidence:

It’s important when you are beginning to date that you feel confident. Showing your confidence not only makes you feel better, but it can make you more attractive to the other person as well. This is a critical step especially considering some of the latest research shows that online dating can lead to lower self-esteem, so it’s important that you are working to counteract that. With the ease of online dating, rejection can often be easier to dish out, whether you send a message that goes unanswered or never hear back from someone after a great date, it can hard to face that rejection. It’s crucial before you begin this process that you ensure that you feel good about yourself and know your great qualities. Sit down and make a list of your strengths. Think about all the wonderful things that you have to offer in a relationship. You can talk with a friend about your dating adventures and tell them why you think that you are a good catch. They will often provide you with great feedback, boost your confidence and may even give you some tips or even set you up with someone whom they know.

Take Emotional Risks: 

Relationships of any sort involve an element of emotional risk-taking. This means that it requires you to step outside your comfort zone and be open and vulnerable to new situations. This may seem obvious as dating pushes us to take many emotional risks; however, many people may still remain closed off during the process without even realizing. Often times people remain closed off because they are scared of being hurt or rejected. When people are closed off, they send negative signals to their dates and tend to not have as much fun with the dating process. Learning to let go of rejection fears, will put you in a better place to let your guard down and make dating a more open and fun experience. It is a necessary step in moving forward and realizing that not every relationship will end the same way or be a negative experience. 

Be Open to Possibilities: 

It’s important to be realistic and keep your eyes open for different possibilities. Many people will tell you “don’t put your eggs in one basket” and that’s kind of the point in this message. It’s important not to see everything as “all or nothing” or “black or white” as there are often gray areas. It’s important to think about what’s right for you and be open for new possibilities. For example, if you go out on one great date, it is important to stay open and continue to meet others, rather than jumping all in for the person you had one great date with. Remember your goal here is to find the right connection for you and not just any connection, so remain open to different possibilities. Many people often have an outline of an “ideal partner” and while this can be important to know what you want in a relationship, it is also important that you are not being shut down to other relationships just because you think the person doesn’t fit into a list. So give people a chance and take time to see if you’re a good match.

Hold on to Yourself:

Maintaining your own identity and personal interests are extremely important when entering into and sustaining a relationship. Obviously, dating and beginning a new relationship can be very exciting and its easy to begin focusing all your time and energy into this new person. When people do that, they stop hanging out with their friends or discontinue things that interest them and this can really be negative as you lose your own identity and an element of yourself. So be sure and work toward maintaining a balance between spending time with someone new as well as maintaining your own identity and interests. Having your own hobbies and individual identity makes you a more interesting person and therefore more attractive as well!

Forget the Contest: 

Dating is not a contest and we can often get caught up in the game play rather than staying focused on what the purpose is for us. Dating is not about seeing how many people you can go out with or making sure you get the follow-up phone call or the second date even if you’re not a match. It is not about the quantity, but about the quality of the date and the compatibility of the person you are with. So a date that is not followed up with a phone call or a second date might actually be more clarification for you of who is or is not the right match. The focus and the goal here is to find someone who is the right connection for you and not to try and force something that simply does not work. So be sure and maintain a good mindset in the process without getting caught up in the game.

Look for the Best Qualities:

 When analyzing a person for a potential relationship, people can often go immediately to searching for the negative aspects and what they believe is “wrong” with the other person rather than looking for the positives. By doing this, we can unconsciously send out negative messages that end up showing our own negative side as well. We can come across as shut down and critical. Try to pick out the best in others as this will allow your best to shine through too. So after a date, first think of the positive qualities in the other person and the ways in which you might be a good match before making a list of the negatives.

Keep Going Forward:

After several bad dates, rejections, or just overall disappointments, it can be easy to say “forget it” and throw in the towel. Do your best to stay positive and continue to move forward. Use your support system when needed to help push you forward. It often helps to call a friend and laugh or complain about bad dates. Sometimes people may even find it appropriate to take a break from dating for a bit and that’s okay too. You have to find what works for you. Just keep in mind that this is a rollercoaster ride that will have many ups and downs along the way so it’s important to get back on that rollercoaster because another fun moment will come soon enough. 

Good luck in your dating journey!

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Online services are available

If you are needing support or are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Free facebook group on relationships

Be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group: The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & videos:

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30 Activities to Reduce Stress

We live in a fast-paced, quick moving and stressful world. At times, it’s hard to even find a moment of calmness. Stress impacts us physically and mentally. It impacts the ability to focus, to be more productive, it disturbs sleep, impacts relationships as well as overall happiness. Most of the time, it’s impossible to fully remove all the stress in our lives, so what else can we do? How can we plug in a relaxing activity that will offset and lower stress? 

Well, there are lots of fun ideas out there to help relieve stress, but first, let’s discuss how you begin such a routine.

Take the time: 

This is probably the most important step to learning to relax and reduce stress. It is most crucial because no matter how many relaxing ideas we come up with if you do not take the time to actually pause and take a break, it will never work. Set aside a reasonable amount of time that is needed and set up a plan for how you will accomplish this. We often feel we do not have enough time as it is. So find a few moments in your daily routine to engage in a fun and relaxing activity. For example, you may set a reminder on your phone to meditate or go for a walk or you may plan to play relaxing music in the car on your way home from work every day. It’s just important that you find the right thing that works for you and you set aside the time to actually follow through with the activity.

Relax your mind: 

Be in the present moment when you are engaging in the activity. This is key to actually relaxing. Many people may focus on the physical aspects of relaxation, which is also important, but if you are not relaxing your mind, then your body also cannot relax. Think of how strong the mind-body connection can be and how important it is to address both aspects of ourselves at one time. If you get a massage, which may feel wonderful physically, but you do not address the mental aspect of calming, then your mind stays in a state of stress; therefore, impacting your body. Engage in mindfulness and take a brief mental pause. Also, if you are not mentally engaged in the activity and you are staying in a stressed state of mind, then you will not experience the maximum benefit. The goal here is to relax your mind as best you can and stay focused in the present moment with the activity that you are engaged in. In order to relax the mind, slow yourself, calm your breathing, and focus on your current state.

Practice: 

Now is the important step of finding an activity that is actually helpful for you in both mind and body that will help you to relax. Try a variety of activities and practice! What one person does to relax, may not help the next person. It is important that you find the right activity for you. You may hate reading, so reading a book will not be a relaxing activity for you so while that may be helpful for many, it might not work for you. Start by making a list of activities that you think would be relaxing or that you have seen others do that helped them to relax. Try them! Take the time to test out some different activities to see if you find them relaxing. Be sure to find activities that will target both mind and body.

Here is a list of 30 fun activities that will help reduce stress:

1. Going for a walk or exercising

2. Taking a bath or shower

3. Practicing deep breathing

4. Reading a book, newspaper or magazine    

5. Practicing meditation or mindfulness

6. Listening to relaxing music

7. Getting a massage

8. Sewing, knitting, cross stitching 

9. Doing yoga

10. Petting your dog or cat

11. Horseback riding

12. Writing in a journal

13. Reading a book

14. Talking to a friend

15. Watching a movie

16. Playing a musical instrument

17. Arts and crafts

18. Gardening

19. Playing games

20. Practicing gratitude

21. Completing puzzles

22. Taking a nap

23. Having a spa night at home

24. Practicing positive self-talk

25. Engaging in a hobby

26. Drinking soothing tea

27. Getting a good night’s sleep

28. Reducing caffeine intake

29. Disconnecting from tech

30. Trying aromatherapy

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Online services are available

If you are needing support or are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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ONLINE STRESS MANAGEMENT CLASS

Life in Balance: Stress Management & Mindfulness program is an 8-module online class to help you better cope with stress and anxiety, as well as learn strategies for better balance and incorporate mindfulness. This program is a self-guided virtual class that you can complete at your own pace. Click here for more information.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & videos:

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Steps to Forgiveness

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Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

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Finding Joy Through Hobbies

The demands of life can sometimes leave us feeling stuck in daily routines with an overall dissatisfaction in life. So how do we change that? How can we add a bit of excitement back into our lives and increase our overall satisfaction and happiness?

Well, one way is to give hobbies a try! January is National Hobby Month and while hobbies are just common activities that people engage in as something fun to do, they often do not realize that hobbies also have so many benefits for our mind and body wellness. Below, I will describe a few.

Here are 5 Benefits of Hobbies:

1.Coping Skills

Hobbies can serve as coping skills and be positive strategies to help you cope with challenging situations. They can be an outlet for expression of emotions, whether that’s through art, drawing, writing, music, group meetings, painting, etc. Finding an outlet to express your feelings is crucial to coping with life’s challenges. Hobbies can also serve as a good distraction from everyday stressors. While hobbies provide us with something fun to do, they can also serve as a distraction from thinking about everyday stress and challenges that we face. This can be a critical component of an overall self-care program.

2. Sense of achievement and mastery

Hobbies and new activities can give us a surprising sense of achievement through growth and mastery. Learning something new can be a challenge; however, when we begin to develop mastery with the new activity, this helps us gain new skills and make us feel good about ourselves and our accomplishments. This not only provides joy, but it can also boost self-esteem and confidence. Just don’t forget to have fun with the activity that you’ve chosen and not get too caught up in the competition of it!

3. Social connection

One of the most beneficial areas to which hobbies can provide, is an avenue for social connection. Many hobbies are in fact ones that you may do alone; however, there are often groups that meet to participate in the activity all together. For example, there are often online groups, forums, workshops or other ways that people connect through a shared interest. For people who are seeking social connection this can be a huge support. It allows for a feeling of togetherness, companionship and shared interests, which reduce isolation and loneliness. 

4. Meaningful activity

Hobbies can also provide an activity to engage in that can be meaningful and provide a sense of fulfillment. Often times, people find that when they are engaging in something that they enjoy, life feels more fulfilling and that they are living with more meaning and purpose. This increases satisfaction with life and overall happiness. It also helps to take us out of living a day-to-day routine that may feel mundane or boring. Hobbies can bring a new joyful purpose to one’s life.

5. Mental or physical stimulation

Depending on the type of hobby or activity that you are involved in, some provide mental stimulation that can be good for your brain and mental functioning, while others can provide beneficial physical stimulation. Activities, such as reading, puzzles, needlepoint, etc. allow you to mentally focus, which can stimulate your thought process in a new and different ways as well as work on memory and other cognitive tasks. This can be helpful for your mind and cognitive abilities. Hobbies that provide physical stimulation include things like playing in a sports league, walking, hiking, travel, etc. These can be helpful to increase your exercise levels and keep you physically healthy.

So, if you aren’t already engaged in a hobby or haven’t considered starting one, you should now! Try searching online for some new activities or groups near you. Think of things that interest you and go for it. There are so many great benefits to come.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Steps to Forgiveness

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Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

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Tips for Boosting Self-Esteem

Many people go through periods of feeling down on themselves, self-conscious, and needing a boost in their self-esteem. Increasing self-esteem can be a very challenging task, especially if you are accustomed to being critical about yourself or easily fall into negative thinking. The following are some tips to help break this pattern, but it’s important to remember that you are starting a practice of more positive thinking and just as starting any new practice or habit, it will take work, commitment and time!

So how can we give our confidence a boost? Here are 6 tips you can start today:

1. Get moving & exercise! 

It’s amazing how much better we feel when we exercise and it is a tremendous confidence booster. There is such a strong mind-body connection that not only does exercise get your endorphins flowing causing an actual biological change in your brain, but it can also reduce feelings of stress, anxiety, worry, sadness and overall make you feel better. So take a walk around the neighborhood, dance in your living room to your favorite jams, and get moving!

2. Surround yourself with good people. 

Ensure you build a good network of people who encourage you, support you, and love you. We’re often in unhealthy relationships without even realizing it! These unhealthy relationships can pull us down and hold us back. Think of the people who you surround yourself with as a reflection of who you are and who you desire to become. Rid yourself of these unhealthy relationships and move forward in your life to let your self-esteem flourish. 

3. Start your day with positive affirmations. 

Positive thinking has been shown to have huge benefits in helping us feel better and increasing happiness. You can find many avenues for positive affirmations, such as apps, journals, calendars, etc. You can also write your own! Think of positive aspects about yourself and write them down on post-it notes or in a journal and read through them each morning to start your day on a positive note. 

4. Love your body. 

Feeling good about our bodies is an important aspect of feeling good about ourselves overall. It’s important to recognize that beauty is a state of mind and more than just outward appearances.  Think of all the wonderful things your body can do for you and view yourself as a whole person, both inside and out. Also, remember step one: get moving and exercise! There is a strong connection between the mind and body for overall wellness and happiness. The more active and physically healthy we are, the happier.

5. Find hobbies and activities that you enjoy. 

Engaging in activities that you enjoy can provide you with a positive outlet, allow you to socialize and meet new people as well as boost your confidence by trying something new. You can join a neighborhood group, a book club, an athletic or sports group, a community-based organization or a volunteer program. You can check out things like meetup.com or even Facebook to search for activities, events and interests that might be fitting for you. Being active with hobbies and interests can really allow you an opportunity to flourish and has so many benefits.

6. Set goals for yourself.

 It’s important that we are working toward self-improvement and personal development at all times. This is a never-ending process, not a single goal that we achieve and then we are done. We should always be on the hunt for personal growth and progress. It’s important that you continue to work on yourself, your confidence and your mind and body wellness. This will help you maintain your self-confidence and self-esteem as well as continue to grow and thrive as a person. 

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Steps to Forgiveness

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10 Tips for Couples

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Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

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5 Ways Pets Can Boost Your Mental Health

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How Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day

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Are New Year's Resolutions Possible?

Setting goals for the New Year is a great tradition that many of us participate in, but unfortunately the success rate of achieving resolutions is very poor. The success rate of actual completion of goals has been reported at 12%. So how can we be more successful in reaching goals that we have set out for ourselves? 

First, it’s important to understand that setting a meaningless goal at the beginning of the year may not be as helpful or useful as creating positive intentions or even healthy habits. The research has shown that healthy habits can positively influence overall lifestyle rather than aiming for achieving goals. 

Here are some tips to help you stay focused in the New Year:

Get in the Right Mindset:

You have to believe you can accomplish your goal in order to actually reach it! Get motivated and excited about your goal and get others involved too. If you plan with a friend or family member, you won’t feel alone while working toward your goal and doing it with others can be more fun too!

Cautious Selection:

Spend time selecting your goal. Often people make a nonchalant statement like “I’m going to lose weight in the New Year,” but really do not take the time to think the goal through and really plan what weight loss will mean for them. The selection is important to keep you on track so really think about something that you want to accomplish, something that is important to you. If you are passionate about your goal and it is something you really want to accomplish then you are more likely to follow through and be successful.

Make Your Goal Measurable:

Setting a goal that you can monitor and track is really important in order to keep you motivated and seeing the finish line. If your goal is too general then you are more likely to not stay focused. You can log your progress in a journal or there are several apps that can help with goal setting. Again, this can help you see your accomplishments along the way and increase your success.

Start Small:

Make a goal that is realistic and something reasonable that you can accomplish. If our goal is too big or we do not see ourselves making progress then we are more likely to give up. It is much better to set a small goal that have you accomplish and need to set the bar higher rather than a goal that is too large you end up giving up. 

Share Your Goal:

Tell others about your goal and let people know what you need in order to accomplish this goal. This keeps you accountable and others may provide support and reinforcement to you as you work toward your goal.

Give Yourself Positive Reinforcement:

It’s important to reinforce and reward yourself for achieving progress. Rewarding yourself with give you that boost of confidence and reinforcement that you need in order to continue working toward your goal or healthy habit.

Now you have some tips to help you to accomplish your New Years resolution, good luck, and know that you can do it!

Happy New Year!

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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View fullsize

Steps to Forgiveness

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10 Tips for Couples

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Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

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5 Ways Pets Can Boost Your Mental Health

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How Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day

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Forgiveness: 3 Steps to Help Learn to Let Go

Have you ever forgotten to take your dog for a walk or play fetch and still find that you get greeted daily with tail wags and kisses? It’s easy for animals to forgive as they just live in the moment and forget the bad. But for us? Oh no. We remember every detail that someone has done to wrong us. We don’t forget. Even times when we want to forget and move on, many find it difficult to do so. Forgiveness is hard, especially when we feel hurt, betrayed, or wronged by someone. The act of forgiveness is one of the most challenging and difficult things that we can do as human beings.

Why is it important to let go? Because holding onto anger and resentment can be burdensome. It can cause us stress, be emotionally overwhelming and often cause negative physical responses due to being continually angry. It ends up hurting you way more than the person whom you are angry with. Forgiveness is important and healthy. We all may need a different amount of time to come to the stage of forgiveness, however. Some, may be able to forgive quickly, while others may need to feel angry and hurt and forgive at a later date, and that’s okay too. The point is, forgiveness is a healthy release of emotion that we should work toward doing, but in our own time. 

Steps to Forgiveness:

1. Engage in empathy

This can be a very difficult task when you feel hurt by someone. It’s so challenging to put yourself in their shoes, practice empathy and imagine how and why they could hurt you. This is an important step though. There is much research that points to empathy being a key component in learning to forgive. The act of empathy can actually help lessen our own anger by looking at the situation from someone else’s point of view and help toward the process of healing. If we have a better understanding for why a spouse cheated or a friend lied to us or someone broke into our home, we can learn to forgive. This does not mean that we will forget or that we are saying this bad action is okay. It just means that we are trying to understand a different perspective that will help us in our healing. It may sound impossible, but when you sit and analyze for a moment why someone did something you consider terrible, you may learn that action was about them, and not you. Maybe it was due to their insecurities, a power and control issue, their addiction or mental illness, etc. Again, these things do not make it okay, but it can certainly give you a different perspective. With this understanding, there is hope to release the burdensome anger.

2. Practice gratitude

One activity to try when working on forgiveness is to practice gratitude. Think of the person who has hurt you, the things they have done wrong and things you feel resentful about. This will probably be very easy to do. Now think about things you feel grateful to them for. If it was a stranger, think of things about the situation that you can be grateful for or something that you learned from it. Again, this can be challenging and, at first, may seem. For many, it may seem impossible to think of something positive in a terrible situation, but perhaps the situation led you closer to others who are positive in your life, or perhaps it made you stronger, or maybe it just opened your eyes to see another person differently. The point here is to have you step out of a place of complete and utter consumption with anger and see a different perspective. 

3. Ceremonial act of letting go

The last exercise is to engage in a ceremonial act of forgiveness. Another crucial step in your healing is the actual act of letting go, which can be quite powerful and gratifying. It could include writing down all of your resentments and anger toward someone and burning that piece of paper, burying it in the dirt, or sending it off with a balloon. You could write the person a letter explaining how terrible their actions made you feel and never send it by either tearing it up or burning it. Now, it’s important to remember that you may be in a situation in which you need to actually discuss your hurt and pain with another person and that may be very important for you healing, but this activity is for you personally. This is your own personal healing and something for you to do without having to prepare to deal with another person. The point of this step is that you engage in a meaningful activity that allows you to work toward closure and letting go.

Now that you’ve gone through the process of forgiveness, you can let go and move forward with the important things in your life, without anger weighing heavily on your shoulders.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals and couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Free Facebook Group On Relationships

Be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group: The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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View fullsize

Steps to Forgiveness

View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Ways Pets Can Boost Your Mental Health

View fullsize

How Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day

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