Free Facebook Group: The Couples Collaborative

Facebook has the opportunity to connect millions of people from all over the world with so many different experiences, opinions, and lifestyles that we can all learn from. So why not join and be active with a Facebook group?

I recently started: The Couples Collaborative, a free Facebook group that provides tips for couples, inspirational relationship quotes, and promotes positive and healthy discussions on challenging relationship issues. 

This type of forum is not meant to be couples therapy, but instead a member-led support group where people can exchange ideas, provide support, give feedback, and ask difficult questions on relationship-related issues. 

I will be posting weekly tips for couples as well as weekly thought-provoking posts that are either a discussion prompt to the group or an inspirational quote about love and relationships. I will also have a monthly post about date night ideas that we can all brainstorm and discuss together to come up with fun and romantic ways to stay connected with our partners. 

Click here for the free Couples Collaborative Facebook group: 

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals or couples. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Facebook group facilitated by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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10 Tips for Couples

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Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

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5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

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Coping With Insecurities in a Relationship

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10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

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Forgiveness: 3 Steps to Help Learn to Let Go

Have you ever forgotten to take your dog for a walk or play fetch and still find that you get greeted daily with tail wags and kisses? It’s easy for animals to forgive as they just live in the moment and forget the bad. But for us? Oh no. We remember every detail that someone has done to wrong us. We don’t forget. Even times when we want to forget and move on, many find it difficult to do so. Forgiveness is hard, especially when we feel hurt, betrayed, or wronged by someone. The act of forgiveness is one of the most challenging and difficult things that we can do as human beings.

Why is it important to let go? Because holding onto anger and resentment can be burdensome. It can cause us stress, be emotionally overwhelming and often cause negative physical responses due to being continually angry. It ends up hurting you way more than the person whom you are angry with. Forgiveness is important and healthy. We all may need a different amount of time to come to the stage of forgiveness, however. Some, may be able to forgive quickly, while others may need to feel angry and hurt and forgive at a later date, and that’s okay too. The point is, forgiveness is a healthy release of emotion that we should work toward doing, but in our own time. 

Steps to Forgiveness:

1. Engage in empathy

This can be a very difficult task when you feel hurt by someone. It’s so challenging to put yourself in their shoes, practice empathy and imagine how and why they could hurt you. This is an important step though. There is much research that points to empathy being a key component in learning to forgive. The act of empathy can actually help lessen our own anger by looking at the situation from someone else’s point of view and help toward the process of healing. If we have a better understanding for why a spouse cheated or a friend lied to us or someone broke into our home, we can learn to forgive. This does not mean that we will forget or that we are saying this bad action is okay. It just means that we are trying to understand a different perspective that will help us in our healing. It may sound impossible, but when you sit and analyze for a moment why someone did something you consider terrible, you may learn that action was about them, and not you. Maybe it was due to their insecurities, a power and control issue, their addiction or mental illness, etc. Again, these things do not make it okay, but it can certainly give you a different perspective. With this understanding, there is hope to release the burdensome anger.

2. Practice gratitude

One activity to try when working on forgiveness is to practice gratitude. Think of the person who has hurt you, the things they have done wrong and things you feel resentful about. This will probably be very easy to do. Now think about things you feel grateful to them for. If it was a stranger, think of things about the situation that you can be grateful for or something that you learned from it. Again, this can be challenging and, at first, may seem. For many, it may seem impossible to think of something positive in a terrible situation, but perhaps the situation led you closer to others who are positive in your life, or perhaps it made you stronger, or maybe it just opened your eyes to see another person differently. The point here is to have you step out of a place of complete and utter consumption with anger and see a different perspective. 

3. Ceremonial act of letting go

The last exercise is to engage in a ceremonial act of forgiveness. Another crucial step in your healing is the actual act of letting go, which can be quite powerful and gratifying. It could include writing down all of your resentments and anger toward someone and burning that piece of paper, burying it in the dirt, or sending it off with a balloon. You could write the person a letter explaining how terrible their actions made you feel and never send it by either tearing it up or burning it. Now, it’s important to remember that you may be in a situation in which you need to actually discuss your hurt and pain with another person and that may be very important for you healing, but this activity is for you personally. This is your own personal healing and something for you to do without having to prepare to deal with another person. The point of this step is that you engage in a meaningful activity that allows you to work toward closure and letting go.

Now that you’ve gone through the process of forgiveness, you can let go and move forward with the important things in your life, without anger weighing heavily on your shoulders.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals and couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Free Facebook Group On Relationships

Be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group: The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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View fullsize

Steps to Forgiveness

View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Ways Pets Can Boost Your Mental Health

View fullsize

How Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day

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10 Tips For Couples

Relationships are hard work! It takes time and effort to really put your partner and your relationship as a top priority in your life. There are many different factors and aspects that we have to take into consideration to maintain a healthy relationship. Below are 10 helpful tips to keeping good balance, communication, priority and intimacy in your relationship. 

1. Take Time:

It’s important to set aside time to commit to speaking to your partner about your relationship. This dialogue should include your likes and dislikes about the partnership and anything you see that you can try to change for the better. This exercise is designed to allow partners to express their feelings rather than allowing resentment to build over time. This could simply be 15 minutes at the end of the week when you and your partner can commit to not be disturbed by other things and actually communicate with each other. The purpose is to “check-in” every once in a while about how both parties feel about the relationship to ensure an opportunity for open lines of communication. 

2. Work on Communication Skills:

Healthy communication is the ability to speak in a way that allows you to feel heard and also giving your partner that same opportunity. The point is to have effective communication that is productive and allows you to solve problems and make progress. Learning how to communicate better with your partner should include the ability to also listen, which can be key. First, you must learn how to communicate your thoughts and feelings in a productive way rather than placing blame. When we point blame, it often raises defenses in the other person and creates resentments over time. During communication, try using “I” statements, such as “I feel _____”. This allows you to speak from your own perspective without pointing blame. For example, “I feel angry when you come home late at night” is more productive than, “you’re always coming home late!” It’s a small change that has a big impact. The two examples carry very different tones and meanings. This can greatly impact your partner’s response. This allows you to express how you are feelings without blaming your partner. Again, communication is about getting feelings across productively and working to find resolution.

3. Make Love a Priority:

Be sure to make your relationship with your partner a priority in your life. After being together for quite some time, it can be easy to put our relationship on the back burner and not actively work toward maintaining communication or passion. It can be difficult to manage all of the different activities and aspects in our lives. There are lots of things are important, such as our jobs, our health, our alone time, our children, social life, hobbies, etc. But be sure that you are also putting forth thought and effort toward your relationship. This sends a message to your partner that he or she is an important factor in your life. It is essential that we not only send the message to our partner that our relationship is important, but we also maintain a good balance of the different priorities in our life. 

4. Be Attentive:

The idea of being attentive and having high awareness to what is happening in your relationship and with your partner is crucial for it’s success. Many times, people attempt to “brush problems under the rug” and ignore the obvious. Or they may be physically present with their partner, but not really taking the time or fully paying attention to them. This can build resentments and hurtful feelings over time. People should address problems as they arise and discuss them regularly, rather than hiding from them and allowing them to accumulate. We should also take time to be really present with their partners so they feel heard and cared about. It may be impossible to do this 100% of the time, but be sure to devote some time and attention to your partner on a regular basis. This also relates back to taking that time to have healthy communication and “check-in” on your relationship is doing. 

5. Express Assertively:

The healthy balance in between being passive on one end and being aggressive on the other is assertiveness. Being assertive in the way that you speak to your partner allows you to state your needs in a direct and reasonable way.  Many times people do not think about the way that they speak and may do so in an aggressive manner, which can be very unhealthy or they may chose to not speak at all and remain very passive in their relationship, which contributes to the building of resentments and unsolved problems. Being assertive allows you to express thoughts, opinions, feelings and ideas in a healthy matter. Finding this balance can be difficult, but worth the time and practice. You can go back to the suggestion of using “I” statements to be sure and address things with your partner in a way that does not place blame and allows you two to communicate productively.

6. Practice Self-Soothing:

Soothing our own feelings and sitting with difficult emotions is an important part of taking responsibility for our own feelings as well as being in a relationship. People often project their feelings onto their partner rather than self-soothing and dealing with their own emotional state. We must learn how to deal with and heal from our own emotional baggage without needing validation or emotional soothing from our partners. The ability to comfort yourself means you can calm yourself in a healthy way even when your feelings are hurt or your partner is not validating you and telling you what you want to hear. When two people are able to both self-soothe, it makes for a much happier and healthier relationship. The communication becomes more productive and each person feels more in control of their own emotional state.

7. Engage in Conflict Resolution:

Resolving a conflict can seem overwhelming and at times, impossible to do. This is especially true when we allow conflicts and arguments to continue for a long period of time and resentments build. Not allowing conflict to go unresolved or those resentments to arise is essential for couples. Conflict resolution should take place when you and your partner are calm and willing to talk things through until you can reach a compromise. Resolving a conflict involves coming into the discussion with ideas of things that you want to change and an agreement that you are both willing to change the things that you can. That means that each party is involved in the change process and has to take responsibility for how they can work toward resolving a problem. This is where that self-soothing comes in because when we discuss resolving conflict, emotions can run high and communication can be difficult. Remember to self-soothe, calm yourself down, and remember that the goal of the discussion is to reach compromise and resolution. 

8. Build Your Sexual Relationship:

Your sexual relationship can often be a metaphor for the health and functioning of your relationship as a whole. Therefore, it is important that you are monitoring the state of your sexual relationship and ensuring that is a priority in your life. It is important that you are open and honest with your partner about how you are feeling. It is key that couples check-in occasionally about how they feel about their sex life and intimacy levels. Are both parties feeling that their needs are being met? Are there things that you wish you could change about your sexual relationship? Again, these are important aspects to share with your partner, but sex can be a difficult topic for couples to discuss. It may be helpful to set up a time to talk when both parties are aware of the discussion so that they go in prepared and ready to share their feelings. 

9. Focus on Self-Awareness:

Looking within ourselves and thinking about how we contribute to the challenges in our relationship is something that is essential to creating healthy change. Most people stray way from this; however, as it is much easier to blame your partner for things that are wrong. It requires you to be very vulnerable and honest with yourself on how you can also change in order to better the relationship. First, think of the common arguments you and your partner have and explore ways that you may contribute to these disagreements. Most of the time, we seek to change our partner rather than change ourselves so in this example, come up with a few items that you can do differently in the future. Taking responsibility for our own actions and things that we can change will help to create overall change and betterment in the relationship.

10. Find Personal Balance:

Maintaining a balance between your identity as an individual and your identity as a couple can be very difficult, but it can be a key component to relationship satisfaction. We actually tend to appreciate our relationship much more when we also have our own independence and autonomy. So be sure to maintain your own social life, activities or hobbies and encourage your partner to do the same as this will allow for better balance and health in your relationship.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Online services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals and/or couples. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Online Group for Couples

Be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group: The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

View fullsize

Coping With Insecurities in a Relationship

View fullsize

10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

Online Versus In-Person Coaching Services

When beginning an online business, I debated at length about providing services solely online versus having office visits as I have previously done. I thought long and hard about my decision. I read lots of research studies that have been conducted about the difference in efficacy and challenges that may arise depending on if you are meeting in person versus online. Surprisingly, I found that the research shows outcomes of online services are just as effective as office visits and meeting face-to-face with someone in person. I have also noticed a big movement toward online therapy services, although I will have to admit after working for years in an office setting where I met my clients face-to-face, having my first Skype call was a bit odd simply because it was something new and different. However, after several calls, it began to feel like second nature. I find that once you make a personal connection with someone then talking over the phone or online comes with ease.

I will say that this is very much a personal choice based on your own comfort level. If you are searching for services and feel that telehealth and virtual services would be too awkward or you have tried online services and just did not feel like a good match for you, then you should definitely search for a local provider. There are some great online directories that will help you find someone including: mycoachmatch.com or noomi.com. Also, if you are facing a more serious mental health condition and need traditional psychological services versus coaching, then I would recommend finding a mental health provider in your area. You may start your search for mental health services through your health insurance or you can also search online directories such as psychologytoday.com for a psychologist in your local area. 

However, for those who may see the convenience, ease and comfort of online services, then why not keep up with the modern digital age? Let’s face it, the times have changed and we are definitely more digital than ever before! Online counseling provides more of an opportunity to meet at your convenience without restrictions due to scheduling, timing or travel. When you are able to meet online then you can be in the comfort of your own home or office without the worry of having to travel to an appointment. The online therapy option also allows you a bit more privacy considering you do not have to walk into an office somewhere or sit in the waiting room with others passing through. You can simply sit in the comfort of your own home or office and connect with your online coach without anyone knowing. It’s simple, private and convenient. 

Online coaching services also offer the opportunity to find a variety of options with services. You have access to many more people, specialities and a variety of coaches and therapists than just the local people in your area. Online counseling services can connect you to professionals in each and every state as well as worldwide! This opens so many doors. This allows for ample opportunity to choose from a variety of specialties and areas of focus that you may not be able to find locally. Many people, especially in rural communities, may have a hard time finding mental health services available in their area or finding a professional who they feel they match well with or has the specialty training that they need. So being able to search online really broadens the criteria and allows for many more options.

There are lots and lots of coaches and therapists available. So when looking for someone to work with, be sure and review their credentials, look at their experiences, watch videos or read their written work to get a sense of who they are as a person. Most importantly, once you find someone, make sure that you “click” with that person when you speak to them and have a compatible personality and style. If you are finding that you just aren’t the right match, then try your search again and keep working to find the right person for you. Research suggests that it is the relationship between the two people that has one of the greatest impacts on effecting change and outcomes of the sessions. So believe me, it’s worth the time and effort to find just the right person for you.

Read more about the Loving Roots Project online services for individual and couples & our self-guided online wellness classes.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Online services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for couples or individuals. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Research:

Barak, Azy, et al. (2008). A comprehensive review and a meta-analysis of the effectiveness of internet-based psychotherapeutic interventions. Journal of Technology in Human Services, 26.2-4: 109-160. http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15228830802094429#.VI8vaCvF_hs

Wantland, D. J., Portillo, C. J., Holzemer, W. L., Slaughter, R., & McGhee, E. M. (2004). The effectiveness of Web-based vs. non-Web-based interventions: a meta-analysis of behavioral change outcomes. Journal of Medical Internet Research, 6(4). http://www.jmir.org/2004/4/e40/

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Other Articles:

What you need to know before choosing online therapy. https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/online-therapy

Is Online Therapy Worth The Money? https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-the-lines/201802/is-online-therapy-worth-the-money

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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View fullsize

Steps to Forgiveness

View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Ways Pets Can Boost Your Mental Health

View fullsize

How Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day

Loving Roots Project

As a psychologist and wellness coach, I’ve spent many years studying human behavior and working with clients in a variety of settings to make positive changes in their lives. My experience seeing how difficult this process can be, yet also how empowering, beautiful, at times crucial, and always inspiring is what drove me to embark on this venture.

I started the Loving Roots Project with the mission of reaching out to as many people as possible with positive messages about personal growth and development. I hope to share inspirational content on this blog, webpage, and social media to promote positivity and empower others on their journey. 

The name Loving Roots Project represents first solidifying a foundation of self-love. The importance of our core being solid is critical before working on lasting, healthy love in our relationships, as well as a bigger mission of love, kindness, and positivity in our communities.

Self-love is one of the most important aspects of living a healthier, happier and more meaningful life. Many people may worry that this is selfish, but it is actually quite the opposite. We are able to be more loving, caring and helpful to those around us when we have a healthy love for ourself FIRST. You often hear the analogy on an airplane to put your oxygen mask on first before putting your child’s on or helping others around you. This is a similar concept. If you are not in a good place in your own life, you will have a harder time being positive and productive with other activities and relationships.

The bigger picture is that after we’ve established a healthier love for self and engage in healthy relationships, then we naturally carry a kindness that is spread to those around us. This idea is based on feeling good inside and in our relationships so that we enter the world with more kindness, compassion and gratitude. How many times have you seen messages of hate posted online or spoken in your community and when you really analyze the position of the person who made such a statement, most people would agree that they can see hate, anger and unhappiness. When people are happy and feel good about themselves, they generally want to spread kindness and joy to others.

With these principles in mind, I hope that the Loving Roots Project can help to motivate others to work on their own roots and core. That they begin the process of self-love first and work toward living the best life they can. Then, spreading this same idea to those around them and engaging in positive and healthy relationships. This will only helps us to maintain more uplifting, kind and compassionate communities.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Online services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. These services are available for couples or individuals. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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View fullsize

Steps to Forgiveness

View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Ways Pets Can Boost Your Mental Health

View fullsize

How Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day