Tips for a Better Dating Mindset

Oh the stress, the anxiety, and the excitement of dating! It’s a time that’s promising, fun, but sometimes down right daunting. There are many different things to keep in mind when embarking on the dating journey. Many of these things have to do with the way you feel about yourself, your state of mind and the overall mindset about the dating process. So how can you get in the right state of mind? Here are a few tips to steer you in a positive direction:  

Build Confidence:

It’s important when you are beginning to date that you feel confident. Showing your confidence not only makes you feel better, but it can make you more attractive to the other person as well. This is a critical step especially considering some of the latest research shows that online dating can lead to lower self-esteem, so it’s important that you are working to counteract that. With the ease of online dating, rejection can often be easier to dish out, whether you send a message that goes unanswered or never hear back from someone after a great date, it can hard to face that rejection. It’s crucial before you begin this process that you ensure that you feel good about yourself and know your great qualities. Sit down and make a list of your strengths. Think about all the wonderful things that you have to offer in a relationship. You can talk with a friend about your dating adventures and tell them why you think that you are a good catch. They will often provide you with great feedback, boost your confidence and may even give you some tips or even set you up with someone whom they know.

Take Emotional Risks: 

Relationships of any sort involve an element of emotional risk-taking. This means that it requires you to step outside your comfort zone and be open and vulnerable to new situations. This may seem obvious as dating pushes us to take many emotional risks; however, many people may still remain closed off during the process without even realizing. Often times people remain closed off because they are scared of being hurt or rejected. When people are closed off, they send negative signals to their dates and tend to not have as much fun with the dating process. Learning to let go of rejection fears, will put you in a better place to let your guard down and make dating a more open and fun experience. It is a necessary step in moving forward and realizing that not every relationship will end the same way or be a negative experience. 

Be Open to Possibilities: 

It’s important to be realistic and keep your eyes open for different possibilities. Many people will tell you “don’t put your eggs in one basket” and that’s kind of the point in this message. It’s important not to see everything as “all or nothing” or “black or white” as there are often gray areas. It’s important to think about what’s right for you and be open for new possibilities. For example, if you go out on one great date, it is important to stay open and continue to meet others, rather than jumping all in for the person you had one great date with. Remember your goal here is to find the right connection for you and not just any connection, so remain open to different possibilities. Many people often have an outline of an “ideal partner” and while this can be important to know what you want in a relationship, it is also important that you are not being shut down to other relationships just because you think the person doesn’t fit into a list. So give people a chance and take time to see if you’re a good match.

Hold on to Yourself:

Maintaining your own identity and personal interests are extremely important when entering into and sustaining a relationship. Obviously, dating and beginning a new relationship can be very exciting and its easy to begin focusing all your time and energy into this new person. When people do that, they stop hanging out with their friends or discontinue things that interest them and this can really be negative as you lose your own identity and an element of yourself. So be sure and work toward maintaining a balance between spending time with someone new as well as maintaining your own identity and interests. Having your own hobbies and individual identity makes you a more interesting person and therefore more attractive as well!

Forget the Contest: 

Dating is not a contest and we can often get caught up in the game play rather than staying focused on what the purpose is for us. Dating is not about seeing how many people you can go out with or making sure you get the follow-up phone call or the second date even if you’re not a match. It is not about the quantity, but about the quality of the date and the compatibility of the person you are with. So a date that is not followed up with a phone call or a second date might actually be more clarification for you of who is or is not the right match. The focus and the goal here is to find someone who is the right connection for you and not to try and force something that simply does not work. So be sure and maintain a good mindset in the process without getting caught up in the game.

Look for the Best Qualities:

 When analyzing a person for a potential relationship, people can often go immediately to searching for the negative aspects and what they believe is “wrong” with the other person rather than looking for the positives. By doing this, we can unconsciously send out negative messages that end up showing our own negative side as well. We can come across as shut down and critical. Try to pick out the best in others as this will allow your best to shine through too. So after a date, first think of the positive qualities in the other person and the ways in which you might be a good match before making a list of the negatives.

Keep Going Forward:

After several bad dates, rejections, or just overall disappointments, it can be easy to say “forget it” and throw in the towel. Do your best to stay positive and continue to move forward. Use your support system when needed to help push you forward. It often helps to call a friend and laugh or complain about bad dates. Sometimes people may even find it appropriate to take a break from dating for a bit and that’s okay too. You have to find what works for you. Just keep in mind that this is a rollercoaster ride that will have many ups and downs along the way so it’s important to get back on that rollercoaster because another fun moment will come soon enough. 

Good luck in your dating journey!

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Online services are available

If you are needing support or are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Free facebook group on relationships

Be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group: The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & videos:

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Reasons Behind Lack of Affection in a Relationship

Have you ever experienced times in your relationship when you felt that your partner was not as affectionate or was neglecting your needs for intimacy and comfort? In most relationships, the level of physical affection and intimacy tends to fluctuate over time. Relationships tend to ebb and flow in terms of intimacy level and closeness. People often worry that when their partner is not showing them physical intimacy, it means something bad about them or the relationship itself. While there are situations where that might be the case, there are also times when your partner may not be demonstrating affection, and it has nothing to do with you or the health of your relationship. 

Here are some reasons your partner might not be showing affection:

1. Different Boundaries & Personality:

People have varying comfort levels when expressing affection. For example, when someone grows up in a family that rarely shows affection, they may feel more uncomfortable demonstrating physical affection in their relationships. This has nothing to do with their partner, but it's simply a different boundary and comfort zone for the person. It is not something that they are used to or comfortable with. Personality also plays a role in people's level of comfort with showing affection. Introverts may feel less comfortable expressing affection, whereas extroverts often and easily show affection. We must understand our partner's comfort level, but we can still strive to communicate and gain insight into how we can work to meet each other's needs.

Another familiar theory highlighting the differences between partners is Dr. Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages. He explains that we have different ways of giving and receiving love. For example, if your love language is "physical touch" and your partner's is "words of affirmation," you may continually attempt to demonstrate love through physical touch, but they may be seeking words of affirmation instead, which could lead to misunderstanding and hurt feelings. This difference can also leave people feeling unloved, unwanted, and uncared for.

2. Feeling Too Comfy:

It is common in relationships that when a couple has been together for quite a while, they can feel very comfortable and forget the key aspects of courtship and affection. When we are first dating, there is often more attention placed on demonstrating affection. Once a comfort level is established, it is common for many people to put less effort into showing affection to their partner. The lack of demonstration is not necessarily due to a lack of desire for your partner but rather to feeling very comfortable and not putting forth the same amount of effort and attention. 

It's crucial that we continually make an effort and put forth time and dedication to our partnership, as it's key to maintaining the emotional and physical connection as well as the overall happiness and satisfaction in the relationship.

3. Difficulties with Vulnerability:

For many people, showing affection is a very intimate act. When someone is feeling fearful or closed off to intimacy, they will often avoid initiating any affection altogether. This could be due to something that has happened to them previously, in other relationships, or even in childhood. The person may be more closed off and resistant to physical affection, as well as emotional vulnerability. People can often put up emotional barriers or walls to prevent themselves from being too open or vulnerable with someone else.

This is often an issue about them, their comfort level with intimacy, and not always about their partner. It can be difficult for many people to show affection, not because they don't want to, but because it is very uncomfortable and challenging for them to do so. Demonstrating affection requires courage and vulnerability; therefore, if someone is not feeling brave or wants to put themselves out there in a vulnerable way, they will not be as willing to demonstrate affection. Addressing this discomfort and taking responsibility for reducing emotional walls and barriers we may put up in a relationship is essential.

4. Imbalance in Priorities: 

When individuals become preoccupied with other areas of our lives, such as work, school, or social aspects, we can unintentionally neglect other aspects of our lives. This lack of prioritizing affection toward a partner may not be due to a lack of desire but simply because our attention is focused elsewhere. It is common that if one partner has something significant happening in their life that is taking their complete focus or creating high levels of stress, such as a major work project, then they can get off balance and "forget" to demonstrate affection with their partner. It takes having a healthy balance and prioritizing your partner and relationship to maintain physical affection, intimacy, and connection within the partnership. 

5. Insecurities & Difficulty with Self-Esteem:

There may be times when someone feels less secure or confident within themselves. This could be due to body image issues or just overall self-esteem. Often, when someone lacks confidence, they are less likely to initiate affection. They may be experiencing more discomfort and, therefore, do not feel as secure within themselves to demonstrate their feelings toward their partner.

These types of challenges often have to do with their issues related to self-esteem and confidence and nothing to do with their partner. However, it is essential to note that when we are facing a personal challenge that directly impacts our relationship and our partner, it is crucial to take steps toward addressing these issues. Not only does working toward managing your self-esteem and insecurities bring you more growth and happiness, but it will also positively impact your partner and relationship.

6. Mental Health:

It is common that when someone is experiencing a disturbance in their emotional and mental health, they may not demonstrate as much affection as they would at other times. Some mental health examples include depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and even obsessive-compulsive disorder. When someone is in distress due to an emotional imbalance, they are less likely to show affection to their partner. If you notice your partner is experiencing mental health symptoms, then it is essential to talk with them about how they are feeling and ask if you can be of support or help them to seek professional help.

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Understanding of these reasons for lack of affection can help promote healthier communication on the subject between partners. Although the reasons above demonstrate that the lack of affection in a relationship may not be due to a lack of love toward a partner or even an indication of the health of the relationship, often and over time, this lack of affection can be damaging to a partnership and have a direct impact on the happiness of the couple. Read more below on our blog for ways to increase lack of affection in a relationship.

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So what can you do?

Read more in our blog on Ways to Increase Affection in Your Relationship:

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Professional services are available

If you are needing professional support or are interested in relationship coaching, individual psychotherapy services, or couples counseling, virtual services are available. You can read more about Online Services with Dr. Shelley. Sessions are available for individuals or couples and appointments can be booked online or simply email with any questions or appointment requests.

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Free Facebook Group About Relationships

If you’d like to hear more on relationship topics and tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free and closed Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that is closed and private. It provides tips and inspirational material for couples as well as supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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