Tips for Mental Wellness Amid COVID-19

With the isolation of social distancing and fears and uncertainty of COVID-19 coronavirus, our worlds have been turned upside down. In a matter of days and without warning, we’ve had to rearrange our lives, finances, work, schedules, childcare, emotions and much more. This is hard and we’re all experiencing a variety of reactions. Most of us have never faced a pandemic and are doing our best to function in this time of crisis. As with anything new, different, scary or out of our control, it challenges us to get creative and be dedicated to strategies of self-care, connection, health, and mental wellness. 

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Here are some tips to help you get through:

1. Connect with Others:

We are social creatures and being isolated for long periods can be harmful to our emotional and mental wellbeing. Be sure to stay connected to loved ones while continuing to practice social distancing. One common idea is virtual time through Skype, FaceTime, Zoom, etc. to enjoy shared dinners, happy hours and conversations with friends and family. This provides an opportunity to receive much-needed support from loved ones and be supportive of them as well. Being helpful to others can often provide us with a sense of purpose and meaning. This time also offers a unique situation in which we can focus on boosting our relationship and being better connected with our partners. Try some quarantine approved date night ideas.

2. Practice Self-Care:

Be sure to engage in self-care activities. This is more important than ever! During times of high stress, anxiety, and uncertainty, it’s critical to take care of your emotional, mental and physical health. Try reading a book, taking a bath, sewing, gardening, playing guitar, cooking, journaling, listening to music, coloring, engaging in any hobby or activity that can serve as coping and distraction. Creative activities can also be helpful in processing and expressing emotions. 

3. Stay Healthy:

Physical health and nutrition play key roles in mental and emotional wellbeing. Studies show that we have a higher likelihood of illness when we are not maintaining good mental health. Less stress can actually boost your immune system. There’s a strong connection between gut health and mental health so eat whole nutritious fruits and veggies while avoiding processed, sugary and less nutritious foods as this can help us to feel better. Exercise also stimulates neurotransmitters in the brain that bring on positive feelings. Go for a hike, walk around your neighborhood, dance in your living room or take advantage of the many free and low-cost online exercise or yoga programs. You can even try sitting outside for some fresh air and sunshine. Just stay active!

4. Be Mindful:

Practice mindfulness, meditation or prayer. Taking time for a mental break, to sit in silence and focus on your current state can bring about much needed inner peace. This will allow your brain a moment of calm. The heaviness of our situation is emotionally and mentally taxing and it’s important to plug in some relief.

5. Find the Good:

In a time of so much negativity, give yourself time to focus on something positive. It’s important that we are getting a reprieve because facing a pandemic is scary and overwhelming. Try focusing on something positive every day. This could be reading a funny story, watching a comedy, or finding stories of recovery and hope. You can also try practicing gratitude and thanking our healthcare providers, grocery store workers, delivery drivers and many more who are working the frontlines to keep us safe. Just make time to adjust your mindset to one of hope and positivity as this plays a role in how you feel.

6. Be Kind:

First and foremost, be kind to yourself. This is a tough situation. Monitor your expectations and cut yourself some slack. It’s okay to struggle right now. During difficult times, we must focus on simply doing the best that we can. Next, be kind to others. You never know how someone may be impacted. Send a check-in text to a friend, FaceTime your family or check on a neighbor. Right now, being supportive of ourselves and those around us is more important than ever. We are a community of people impacted together and kindness matters. 

7. Set a schedule:

Do your best to keep a regular and consistent schedule. This helps maintain some normalcy, predictability, and control in your life, which is especially important in times of uncertainty. When our world feels out of control, we need a consistent routine to feel more in control of our daily life. Try to wake at the same time, shower and dress as though you’re leaving the house, start your day with something positive, and be sure to plug-in some “me time” for self-care practice throughout the day. 

8. Limit news:

It’s important to stay informed about the current pandemic; however, when stress levels are high, too much can be a bad thing. Reading and watching all things- COVID19 can create and exacerbate feelings of fear and anxiety. Aim for a healthy balance of staying informed and also limiting harmful exposure. Try including some positive stories of hope, recovery, and strategies for your own health and safety. 

9. Strike a Balance:

While these are incredibly challenging and uncertain times, it’s important to find a bit of balance in your life. We need to balance safety, be socially distant, practice good hygiene, hand-washing, and protective techniques, while also not living in fear. This is difficult. We are faced with empty streets and stores, people wearing face masks and protective gear and reading stories of people dying from a virus that could impact us at any moment. It is scary. But we cannot function well by living solely in fear. We must also find space for things that bring us feelings of safety, security, and control.  

10. Sit With Your Emotions:

While this is uncomfortable, it’s important to be aware of and process your feelings. This is a time of intense emotion and we can experience a variety: fear, stress, anxiety, sadness, frustration, trauma, and even grief. If we try to sweep emotions under the rug, they’ll eventually find their way out and it’s often in the most difficult of ways. Sit with your feelings and identify how this experience is impacting you as this helps with healing. 

11. Seek Online Support:

Virtual therapy or coaching services can be helpful by having a professional and neutral person to talk with about feelings, frustrations and the current situation. There’s been a huge boost in teletherapy and online coaching. This is a service that can be done from the safety of your own home and provide some much-needed support. Check-out our virtual services.

12. Just Survive:

Last, but not least - do the best you can! Maybe the best you can means you’re barely making it through the day. Maybe your kids are driving you nuts and you haven’t spent this much time with your partner in decades so it’s exhausting. Maybe you don’t create the latest Martha Stewart inspiration or Marie Kondo your entire house. Maybe you haven’t become an expert, homeschool, stay-at-home parent or created a sensational educational project from an online kids program. Maybe you are just making it day-to-day. Maybe YOU, like the rest of us, are just trying to get by. And you know what? That’s okay too. Just know you’re not alone and we will all take it one day at a time

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals or couples. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Tips for Surviving the Engagement Period

The engagement period is such an exciting time in a couple’s life. They recently decided to get married and spend their lives together. While this is a joyous period, many couples can argue more than normal and this often catches them by surprise.

The engagement period is an exciting time; however, it can also be incredibly stressful. There are so many demands, pressures, expectations, and changes that are all happening at once. Stress, in particular, plays a major role in conflict during the engagement period. Stress can arise due to many factors, such as the overwhelming process of planning a wedding, the pressures, and expectations from extended family members or friends as well as financial challenges and the stress of change in the relationship. Many couples are dealing with tremendous change and thinking about their future changing, such as moving in together, merging your life with someone else’s or even the change of future dynamics and goals. 

Partners may have expectations that have not previously been discussed such as how involved one will be or not with the wedding planning. There may also be expectations partners may have about family traditions that their partner isn’t aware of, which can create tension with their soon-to-be spouse. Often, the engagement period brings up questions that couples haven’t addressed in a relationship such as finances, religion, children or family obligations as well as future expectations, etc.

Couples may then argue as they work these details and dynamics out, which then can create worry about the future, their marriage and merging their two lives. The engagement period is a time of change and transition that can result in more understanding of one another, but it can be challenging and stressful to go through. 

Many couples can be surprised and even worried when they begin to argue more often soon after getting engaged. While this is typical, many people fear that their future relationship is doomed. It’s important to understand that this is a transition time with a lot of change and stress, which can put pressure onto a couple and create more tension than usual. 

Here are some helpful tips to tame fights during the engagement period:

1. Let Go of Perfection: 

Couples tend to desire that everything be perfect during the engagement period. The apprehension of the future can influence how couples act and feel. Couples may argue during this time and then get worried that their arguments are a negative sign and therefore, feel apprehensive about the future. There can be expectations that everything will fall right into place and when it doesn’t, it creates worry and fear about the marriage. Arguing, when done healthily, can lead to a better understanding of each other and the relationship, in general. Couples must let go of any expectation or idea that everything must be perfect. Couples should try and focus on the positive, which is their connection and commitment to one another as well as learning more about one another through this process. 

2. Let go of the Small Stuff: 

Focus on the bigger picture, which is the relationship and the commitment that a couple is making to be married and spend their lives together. People can get caught up in the small details with wedding planning or family expectations when at the end of the day, that will not be what creates a lasting marriage. It’s important to stay focused on the connection between one another during this time and let go of some of the small stuff.  

3. Communicate: 

Although communication is always important in relationships, it’s especially true during the engagement time because of the amount of change that a couple is experiencing as well as stress. Talking about these issues is crucial to the success of the relationship. Many people can have expectations of their spouse that they don’t communicate to them. They tend to think that their partner will be able to read their mind and just know what they want. It’s important to communicate your needs so that your partner knows. If you are wanting your partner to be more involved in the wedding planning, then it’s important to express that expectation. Communicating with one another and finding compromise is key here. 

4. Continue Courtship: 

One of the most important things that couples can do during their engagement is to remember to date and have fun together! This may seem completely obvious, but it’s very common that when a couple is newly engaged, they have more stress and demands from friends, family, and wedding planning that they can put their relationship on the back burner without even realizing it. Dating is an important factor in maintaining connection and intimacy with your partner because it allows you the alone time needed to be present, mindful and in the moment. So be sure to take a night off and enjoy quality time with your soon-to-be spouse.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals or couples. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP About RELATIONSHIPS:

If you’d like to read more on relationship topics and hear tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is a free, but private and closed online support group that is listed under the Loving Roots Project Facebook page. The group is facilitated by Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Coach and provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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A Holistic Approach to Mind-Body Wellness

There is a strong connection between the mind and the body. When you’re working on your own personal development, it’s essential that you address both your physical health needs and your mental health needs. When it comes to health and wellness, it is no wonder when we’re not well physically it impacts us emotionally and when we’re not feeling well mentally this impacts our physical health. This means that your mindset, attitude, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, your emotional state; they all directly impact your physical health and vice versa.

Research shows that mind-body therapies such as relaxation, hypnosis, visual imagery, meditation, biofeedback, even cognitive-behavioral therapy have all been helpful at managing certain physical illnesses such as arthritis and pain management. These studies indicate that mind-body focused activities can actually help to improve psychological functioning, they can reduce the symptoms of disease and increase one’s overall quality of life.

Nutrition has also been seen as having a large role in mental health and cognitive functioning. There is quite a bit of research that shows the brain-gut connection; therefore, maintaining a healthy gut with good foods can help to promote positive mental health and cognitive function. Nutrition can directly impact things such as memory, processing speed, mood (depression and anxiety) as well as physical energy and mental focus and attention.

What is having a holistic approach to wellness?

A holistic view takes into account all of our bodily systems working together to optimize our functioning. It means that we believe further in the relationship of all of the systems being interrelated and impacting one another. For example, nutrition impacting the brain, mental health impacting physical health or more specifically depression impacting pain management.

Having a holistic view is critical as views us as a whole being and takes into account all parts of our life: our physical body, our emotional wellbeing, our mental health, cognition, and spiritual being. This also goes to show how important things like nutrition are for both our physical and mental health. This mind-body and holistic view means taking care of all aspects of yourself and making good healthy decisions from a well-rounded perspective.

Activities to Boost Mind-Body Wellness:

• Make healthy nutrition food choices

• Pray, meditate, pause or breathe

• Engage in stress management

• Be thankful, engage in a gratitude practice

• Exercise your body

• Walk or get outdoors and enjoy

• Deepen your connections with others

• Foster friendships

• Positive thinking

• Production with work

• Active in hobbies and activities for enjoyment

• Get good sleep

• Focus on self-love, happiness, and greater self-esteem

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & videos:

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How Better Self-Awareness Builds Stronger Connections & Intimacy in Relationships

Many couples find that no matter how long they’ve been together, there are periods where their level of intimacy and connection can really be lacking. While there are some natural ebb and flow in our relationships, we also should work to ensure that both parties are working toward maintaining that connection. Being in a long-term committed relationship does not automatically mean there are intimacy and closeness at all times, but it does allow for the foundation to build and work on it through a relationship. Commitment is based on the attraction and feelings we have for one another, but intimacy is a place we can be with our partner that is something and somewhere very different. It is a place of openness, vulnerability, defenselessness, and most importantly, a place of self-awareness.

The idea of self-awareness in intimacy is that we can maintain our own identity in a relationship while being fully aware of ourselves and how we are feeling. It is also the ability to look within ourselves for how we contribute to problems in a relationship and to see what role we play. Taking responsibility for our own actions and contributions to the problem can be quite difficult, but is essential for moving forward. Our initial reaction tends to be blamed on our partner and focus on what he or she is doing wrong. We could sit down and easily come up with a list of faults our partner has done wrong, but could we write a list of our own? Being self-aware and having the ability to focus on ourselves, including our own faults, is challenging, but reaching this higher level of awareness is important for making a healthy change in our relationships and increasing levels of intimacy.

5 Steps to Building Connection:

Be present and in the moment: 

Practicing mindfulness on a regular basis can actually help people to be very present and engaged while participating in activities or spending time with their significant other. This, therefore, boosts relationships as couples are more in tune and present when they are spending time together. This only helps to strengthen intimacy and connection between the two people. It can also boost passion and sexual pleasure. 

Engage in self-awareness: 

Again, one of the core pieces of being more vulnerable and intimate with your partner is being very aware of yourself. It’s important that you understand your role in the relationship and focus on actions for which you can be responsible and change. Most people focus on trying to change the other person when the one thing that we actually can change is ourselves. Be aware of your actions and ways that you could better the relationship. 

Be honest with your partner and yourself: 

We can often have ideas, thoughts, and expectations about the intimacy in our relationship, but we never truly connect with ourselves on those thoughts or express them to our partners. When this happens, then there can be times of miscommunication, misunderstanding and unfulfilled expectations. 

Communicate: 

Express to your feelings to your partner. This is crucial to relationship success, but many people avoid talking about certain things with their partners or they let their anger and resentment build to a point that it then becomes unhealthy and impacts the relationship in a negative way. Be sure to share the good and the bad also. Giving positive reinforcement to your partner about things that you enjoy can be a real booster, both for your partner and the sexual health and intimacy in your relationship. 

Take time to connect: 

Be sure to commit to making time for intimacy and connection in the relationship. This means really setting aside time for a regular date night or an intimate dinner at home as well as following through and being very present and engaged during your time together. Date nights or simply time alone with your partner to connect can be an often overlooked action and one that is frequently taken for granted. It is actually having this alone time to connect that can really boost the intimacy and health of your relationship. 

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support or are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS:

If you’d like to read more on relationship topics and hear tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is a free, but private and closed online support group that is listed under the Loving Roots Project Facebook page. The group is facilitated by Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Coach and provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

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10 Signs You're in a Healthy Relationship

We all know that being in a healthy relationship is important and can lead to a longer lasting partnership with higher levels of happiness and satisfaction. What exactly does it mean to be in a healthy relationship?

Here are some common signs:

1. You support & celebrate each other’s wins: 

When people are in healthy relationships, they tend to respond with happiness and cheer about their partner’s good news and celebrations. It’s important to truly support one another when you’re in a relationship. 

2. You have your own identity, activities, and friends: 

Maintaining your own self-identity is critical for a healthy relationship. People find that when they are able to express with own interests and identity, they have more satisfaction in their relationship. Maintaining a sense of self with your own activities, friends, and identity can lead to more overall happiness. 

3. You have common ground and a similar sense of humor:

While having your own identity, opinions and differences can be important in a relationship, sharing of common ground is also important. Research shows us that sharing of a sense of humor can also be beneficial in relationships. Laughing together and sharing of positive experiences can be beneficial in relationships. 

4. You split chores:

It can be common for couples to build resentments and feel taken advantage of if the chores and duties around the home are not shared in a way that both partners’ agree with. Therefore, it’s important to share in responsibilities and have both parties come to an agreement on what they both feel comfortable with. 

5. You try new things together:

While sharing of routines and habits together as a couple can be important, it’s also fun and healthy to try new things together. Being spontaneous and taking risks together as a couple, leads to further trust and stability in the relationship. It helps to build a positive alliance with one another. It can also create more excitement and joy by trying new and spontaneous things together. 

6. You recover from arguments & forgive: 

Moving beyond arguments and resentments is an important part of healthy relationships. Forgiveness is a key ingredient. Couples who have healthier relationships tend to move beyond arguments more successfully and engage in forgiveness, rather than letting negative resentments build and worsen over time. 

7. You get along: 

This one may seem silly, but if you’ve ever been in a relationship where there is constant drama or bickering, then you’ll understand the importance here. Getting along for the majority of the time and having mutual understanding is key to the health of a relationship. While arguments can be normal process and sometimes even healthy when done in an appropriate manner, you don’t want to be in a constant battle. This can lead to resentments, negativity, and bring down the health of the relationship.

8. You trust each other:

This one is really key to relationship success as trust is a basic foundation that is required in any healthy relationship. Without trust, couples can have a hard time getting emotionally close and being connected. Lack of trust can also lead to unhealthy patterns such as jealousy and dishonesty. Therefore, trust is a key ingredient in relationship happiness and success.

9. You find compromise:

Being able to find compromise as a couple is essential. Couples who show signs and willingness to work together as a team find that they tend to be happier and healthier. Couples who are unable to find compromise usually stay in a state of constant argument, resentments, and gridlock. Emotional gridlock is the idea that two people get in a standoff in their relationship and simply cannot move forward. They are then unable to make positive changes or find a compromise. 

10. You show each other love & affection:

The demonstration of physical affection is key to a happy relationship. The research shows that couple’s who engage in more physical affection report higher levels of happiness and relationship satisfaction. Demonstrating physical affection is also key to maintaining feelings of love, support, and safety. Physical affection increases neurochemicals and hormones in the brain, such as oxytocin, which is known as the “love hormone” because oxytocin increases our feelings of love. Oxytocin, for example, is also released when a mother breastfeeds her baby; therefore, increasing feelings of love, connection, and safety. Similarly, in romantic relationships, the release of oxytocin during sex or physical affection can also increase the overall feeling of being in love with the other person.

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support or are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS:

If you’d like to read more on relationship topics and hear tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is a free, but private and closed online support group that is listed under the Loving Roots Project Facebook page. The group is facilitated by Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Coach and provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

View fullsize

Coping With Insecurities in a Relationship

View fullsize

10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

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Benefits of Unplugging & Having a Tech-Free Day

We are more connected than ever before. Well, by technology anyway. We have more access to information and resources through tech and social media. This keeps us “connected” with friends, family and perhaps people who we may have lost contact with otherwise. Technology and social media can increase the speed of dissemination of information with relevant news or law enforcement postings and be wonderful in sharing of relevant info. However, we are also exposed to so much negativity and it can actually pull us further away from our connections with people in front of us and in the present moment. This is especially true when the use of technology or social media is not done in moderation or awareness of the negative exposure is not better monitored.

Most of the latest research regarding our use of technology and with social media, in particular, has indicated several negative impacts on self-esteem, depression, anxiety, body image, unhealthy sleeping patterns, addiction and cyberbullying. While there can be both benefits and negative impacts of technology and social media, it’s important to understand that occasional breaks can be very helpful. This goes for children’s screen time as well. There is a National Day of Unplugging that is a good reminder to all of us, to take a much-needed break from tech.

Here are some benefits of unplugging:

Let’s us connect to people in the moment

The irony is that social media can keep us connected to people at a distance, but sometimes we can lose focus and connection with people right in front of us. Taking a brief break, allows you to be present, in the moment and connect with people in your life. Not being focused on your phone, allows you to be more aware, mindful and in tune with the present moment.

Increases personal growth

When we take breaks from technology, it can help us to focus on activities that are focused on our personal growth and development. This will give you an opportunity, for example, to go for a hike and leave your phone turned off so that you can fully enjoy being present in nature. You can also work on journaling or another activity that helps in the expression of emotions, such as practicing gratitude. Not being glued to our phones allows us the opportunity to engage in self-love and self-care as well as living with more intention and meaning in your day-to-day.

Less comparison to others

People may not realize that when they see images of other people’s lives, they can often compare this to their own. So taking a break from social media allows for “out of sight, out of mind.” This takes away that unconscious desire to compare ourselves to others. We stop looking at photos or videos of others and comparing them to our own lives. This comparison can really bring down mood and self-esteem without even realizing it. Taking that much-needed break will allow you to focus on yourself and what brings you happiness in your own life.

More free time

When we are not glued to our phones, tablets or computers, we have more time to do other stuff! You could set up a game night with your family or friends or you could go see a movie. There are lots of fun activities that take us away from being on our phones or computers. Many of these hobbies and fun activities can bring us more meaning and happiness in our lives.

Increases communication

Often times, when we are present in the moment with people in our lives and increase our connection, we are also more thoroughly engaged and increase levels of communication. Not being glued to our phones, allows us the opportunity to talk and engage with the people we are with and have more meaningful connections with others. This encourages a higher rate of engagement with those around us.

Gives a moment to recharge

This gives you an opportunity to rest your body and mind from technology. We often don’t realize how consuming news, social media, and graphic images can be. Usually, people feel refreshed and recharged once they get a brief break.

Improves sleep

Many studies show that the use of phones and other technology can impact our sleep and this is especially true when we use devices right before going to bed. Images, stories and even the phone light can stimulate our brain and when this happens before bedtime, it can be challenging to calm down and fall asleep. It’s best to begin a nighttime routine without the use of screens.

Ideas to get Started:

• Set up rules for tech-free family dinner or game night. Everyone can place their phones in a bowl or central location so that they all agree to enjoy the evening together.

• Have a tech-free weekend; Go on a family camping trip; Go see a movie.

• Put your phone away and on silent when you’re with friends and family and try not to pull it out to check it until you’re done with your activity.

• Set up a calendar reminder every week or every month to take a few hours off.

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Online services are available

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & videos:

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View fullsize

Steps to Forgiveness

View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

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5 Ways Pets Can Boost Your Mental Health

View fullsize

How Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day

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Reasons Behind Lack of Affection in a Relationship

Have you gone through periods in your relationship where you felt your partner wasn’t as affectionate or addressing your needs for intimacy and comfort in the relationship? It can be quite normal in relationships for the level of physical affection and intimacy to vary. Relationships tend to ebb and flow when it comes to the intimacy level and closeness. People often worry that when their partner is not showing them physical intimacy, it means something bad about them or the relationship itself. While there are situations where that might be the case, there are also times that your partner may not be demonstrating affection and they have nothing to do with you or the health of your relationship. 

Here are some reasons behind your partner not showing affection:

1. Different Boundaries & Personality:

People have some basic differences with the amount of affection that they are comfortable expressing. For example, when someone grows up in a family that did not show affection often, then they may feel more uncomfortable demonstrating physical affection in their relationship. This has nothing to do with their partner, but it’s simply a different boundary and comfort zone for the person. It is not something that they are used to or comfortable with. Personality also plays a role in people’s level of comfort with showing affection. Introverts may feel less comfortable with expressing affection, while extroverts show affection often and with ease. It’s important that we have an understanding of our parnter’s comfort level. Another common theory showing a difference between partners is the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. He explains that we have different ways in which we recieve and give love. For example, if your love language is physical affection and your partner is words of affirmation, then you may continually attempt physical touch with your partner as a way to demonstrate love, but they are desiring words of affirmation. This difference, therefore, can leave people leaving feeling unloved or lacking in affection. This is a simple difference that having an understanding between partners may help with.

2. Feeling Comfy:

It is common in relationships, that when a couple has been together for quite a while, they can feel very comfortable and forget the key aspects of courtship and affection. When we are first dating, there is often more attention placed on demonstrating affection. Once there is a comfort level established, it is common to not place as much effort in showing your partner affection. This is not necessarily due to not desiring your partner, but simply due to feeling very comfortable and not putting forth the same amount of effort and attention. It’s important that we are continuously making that effort and putting forth time and dedication to our partnership as it is a key to happiness and relationship satisfaction.

3. Closed off to Intimacy:

For many people, showing affection is a very intimate act and when someone is feeling fearful or closed off to intimacy, then they will avoid initiating any affection altogether. This could be due to something that has happened to them previously, in other relationships, or even in childhood. The person may be more closed off and resistant to physical affection or even emotional vulnerability. People can often put up emotional barriers or walls to prevent being too open or vulnerable with someone else. This is an issue that is about them, their comfort level with intimacy and not their partner. It can be difficult for many people to show affection and not because they don’t want to, but because it is very uncomfortable and difficult for them to do so.

4. Off-Balance: 

Often, when we get caught up in focusing on other areas of our life, such as work, school, or social aspects, then we can unintentionally neglect other aspects of our life. This may not be due to not desiring our partner or the relationship, but simply because our attention is focused elsewhere. It is common that if one partner has something major happening in their life that is taking their full focus or creating high levels of stress, such as a major work project, then they can get off balance and “forget” to demonstrate affection with their partner. It really takes having a healthy balance and putting your partner and relationship as a priority to maintain physical affection, intimacy, and connection in the partnership. 

5. Insecurities & Difficulty with Vulnerability:

There can be times when someone may not be feeling as secure or confident within themselves. This could be due to body image issues or just overall self-esteem. Many times when someone is not feeling confident, they will not want to initiate affection. Demonstrating affection does take courage and being vulnerable; therefore, if someone is not feeling brave or wanting to put themselves out there in a vulnerable way, then they will not be as willing to demonstrating affection. This again has to do with their own issues related to self-esteem and confidence and nothing to do with their partner.

6. Mental Health:

It is common that when someone is experiencing a disturbance in their emotional and mental health, they may not demonstrate as much affection as they would at other times. Some mental health examples include depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, or even obsessive compulsive disorder. When someone is under distress due to an imbalance of emotions, then they are less like to show their partner affection. If you notice your partner is experiencing mental health symptoms, then it is important to talk with them about how they are feeling and ask if you can be of support or help them to seek professional help.

Although the reasons above demonstrate that the lack of affection in a relationship may not be due to a lack of love toward a partner or even an indication of the health of the relationship, often and over time, this lack of affection can be damaging to a partnership and have a direct impact on the happiness of the couple.

So what can you do?

Read more in our blog on Ways to Increase Affection in Your Relationship:

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Online services are available

If you are needing support or are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & has increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Free Facebook Group About Relationships

If you’d like to hear more on relationship topics and tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free and closed Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that is closed and private. It provides tips and inspirational material for couples as well as supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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See more of our Blogs & Videos below for tips on relationships & mental wellness:

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Finding Joy Through Hobbies

The demands of life can sometimes leave us feeling stuck in daily routines with an overall dissatisfaction in life. So how do we change that? How can we add a bit of excitement back into our lives and increase our overall satisfaction and happiness?

Well, one way is to give hobbies a try! January is National Hobby Month and while hobbies are just common activities that people engage in as something fun to do, they often do not realize that hobbies also have so many benefits for our mind and body wellness. Below, I will describe a few.

Here are 5 Benefits of Hobbies:

1.Coping Skills

Hobbies can serve as coping skills and be positive strategies to help you cope with challenging situations. They can be an outlet for expression of emotions, whether that’s through art, drawing, writing, music, group meetings, painting, etc. Finding an outlet to express your feelings is crucial to coping with life’s challenges. Hobbies can also serve as a good distraction from everyday stressors. While hobbies provide us with something fun to do, they can also serve as a distraction from thinking about everyday stress and challenges that we face. This can be a critical component of an overall self-care program.

2. Sense of achievement and mastery

Hobbies and new activities can give us a surprising sense of achievement through growth and mastery. Learning something new can be a challenge; however, when we begin to develop mastery with the new activity, this helps us gain new skills and make us feel good about ourselves and our accomplishments. This not only provides joy, but it can also boost self-esteem and confidence. Just don’t forget to have fun with the activity that you’ve chosen and not get too caught up in the competition of it!

3. Social connection

One of the most beneficial areas to which hobbies can provide, is an avenue for social connection. Many hobbies are in fact ones that you may do alone; however, there are often groups that meet to participate in the activity all together. For example, there are often online groups, forums, workshops or other ways that people connect through a shared interest. For people who are seeking social connection this can be a huge support. It allows for a feeling of togetherness, companionship and shared interests, which reduce isolation and loneliness. 

4. Meaningful activity

Hobbies can also provide an activity to engage in that can be meaningful and provide a sense of fulfillment. Often times, people find that when they are engaging in something that they enjoy, life feels more fulfilling and that they are living with more meaning and purpose. This increases satisfaction with life and overall happiness. It also helps to take us out of living a day-to-day routine that may feel mundane or boring. Hobbies can bring a new joyful purpose to one’s life.

5. Mental or physical stimulation

Depending on the type of hobby or activity that you are involved in, some provide mental stimulation that can be good for your brain and mental functioning, while others can provide beneficial physical stimulation. Activities, such as reading, puzzles, needlepoint, etc. allow you to mentally focus, which can stimulate your thought process in a new and different ways as well as work on memory and other cognitive tasks. This can be helpful for your mind and cognitive abilities. Hobbies that provide physical stimulation include things like playing in a sports league, walking, hiking, travel, etc. These can be helpful to increase your exercise levels and keep you physically healthy.

So, if you aren’t already engaged in a hobby or haven’t considered starting one, you should now! Try searching online for some new activities or groups near you. Think of things that interest you and go for it. There are so many great benefits to come.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Unlocking Happy Relationships: Balance is the Key

Most people desire healthy, mature relationships that bring joy and satisfaction to life.  Maintaining a healthy relationship is challenging, but it’s also an exciting opportunity to work on intimacy and connecting with others. While two imperfect people can never have a perfect relationship, these ideas can enhance your love life--or try modifying the tips to improve friendships or family relationships. 

Be Yourself

Many have known a friend or family member who, the moment she begins a relationship, separates from people and activities she once enjoyed.

Cultivating your own interests, activities and friends is crucial to overall happiness and often results in a more satisfying relationship. The goal is to preserve each individual’s identity while investing time and effort together.

He Says, She Says

We all have expectations, especially for our relationships. Many assume our partners should know our wants and needs but when they fail to have the magic ability to read our minds, we experience disappointment. 

It’s important for both partners to talk about their feelings and expectations – and just as important to listen. This is particularly true if your partner is less verbal than you.

Mutual communication inspires a sense of safety, promotes confidence and encourages the honest expression of feelings. It creates a better environment for love -- and passion!

To Forgive is Divine

Of course, fights and arguments are inevitable. But if conflicts are not properly resolved, couples find themselves in a negative pattern of arguing, including nagging, becoming emotionally detached or using sex as a bargaining tool. 

In a hurry to ease the tension during a conflict, we often “kiss and make up,” convincing ourselves and our partners that the issue at hand has been resolved. In fact, if forgiveness is not extended, old arguments can resurface to hurt our partners. It’s easy to get in this rut when we are unable to let go of hurtful events from the past.

Ideally, a conflict ends with true forgiveness, a difficult step that takes practice. It is much easier to hold grudges and resentments than to forgive and move forward. Learning to genuinely forgive will ease tensions and lead to a more peaceful relationship.

Keep Courting

After a period of time, many couples experience a roadblock:  They like the comfort and familiarity of a long-term relationship, but the routine makes them feel tired and bored; they complain there isn’t a spark. This is sign that change is needed! 

Just like a summer romance that swept you off your feet, your long-term relationship can be passionate and exciting. Try mimicking your courtship with creative date nights; you’ll both remember the exhilaration of young love. Don’t underestimate the thrill of spontaneity and trying something new together.

Keeping your relationship healthy is all about maintaining a balance in these areas: preserving self-identity, expressing your feelings, resolving conflicts, keeping passion alive. Relationships can be tough and challenging, but also joyful and exciting. 

Good luck in your life’s journey to find love, happiness and balance!

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support or interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Online services are provided online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you and your partner to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Free Facebook Group for Couples

Be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group: The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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View fullsize

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Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

View fullsize

Coping With Insecurities in a Relationship

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10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship