Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt 12/22/20 Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt 12/22/20

Getting Through The Holiday Season - COVID Edition

Managing the holiday season can be stressful and challenging. This year especially has create new and different struggles due to the COVID19 pandemic. Check out these 10 tips to help you cope and maintain positivity during the holiday season.

While our nation and most parts of the world continue to deal with the devastation of the COVID pandemic, we are right in the holiday season. For many, this is a joyous season where they get to spend time with family, honoring decades-long traditions and starting new ones with their youngest family members. Some people look forward to ringing in the New Year with friends and spending the night out on the town.

This year is different.

Many have lost their lives to the coronavirus. Some have lost their dearest family members, and others are frustrated and tired of social distancing, masks, lines at grocery stores, and being told they need to protect others' health and safety. Regardless of your opinion, I think we can all agree that we want normalcy again. We want our day-to-day lives to go back to "normal." We want closeness and connection with our family and friends. We want to enter whatever store we'd like and freely go about our business at restaurants and movie theaters. We want our lives back.

The holiday season can exacerbate some of these desires and the frustration that life isn't normal right now. We may have to change our plans and figure out how to do things differently. We may be grappling with particular family and friends not agreeing with our decision to spend the holidays. You may be an avid mask wearer and social distance every chance you get. Meanwhile, your Uncle Ron thinks 350K dead isn't a big deal and says he's socially distancing while he quickly comes into land a big sloppy kiss. Tensions are raised amongst family members and even friends with differences in opinions and choices on handling safe options during a pandemic.

Many are having a tough time making the right decision on how they spend their holidays. Many are sad that they will be away from family and friends, and many won't make a change at all. Regardless of how you choose to celebrate the holidays, it is absolutely different for all of us this year. Managing your emotional and mental health during this time is essential, and doing a few key things can make all the difference.

1. Acknowledge how you're feeling

It's okay to be upset, sad, frustrated, or even angry that your plans have changed or are different this year. It's been a challenging year. The world is suffering from a pandemic, and our nation has endured such a divide for months now. Everyone is handling this situation differently, and we are all entitled to how we are feeling. It's our reaction and response to others that are key. Be open and honest with yourself about how you are feeling. Acknowledge your emotions. Write about them, journal, talk to a friend, or sing in the shower about it if you need. Just be true to yourself and express what you're feeling.

2. Understand That It's Different

While we know the world is different right now, we see the masks on faces, we see the signs and markers to keep our distance, we hear about the deaths on the news, and we may have even suffered a loss ourselves, we can also become so numb that it's hard to comprehend. Be sure to acknowledge and prepare yourself for the differences this holiday season. Know that gatherings will be different or not happen at all. You may spend the holidays alone for the first time in years, or you may keep it small and safe with your chosen pod. Regardless of your plans, it's essential to acknowledge that things will undoubtedly be different this year. We must mentally prepare ourselves for that. Going into a situation expecting things to be the same as years before can set you up for more disappointment. This year will look a bit strange, but we can have hope for the future to bring back a sense of normalcy.

3. Don't Dwell on the Negative or the Past

While you should acknowledge the differences this year, don't get stuck on the past events or the way things "should" look. Staying stuck on this will keep you in a mindset of disappointment. View this as a temporary change that will get better. If you focus only on the negative and the things you don't like or wish were different, it doesn't allow you to move forward mentally.

4. Engage in Mindfulness

While mindfulness is good any time of the year, it can be beneficial during the holidays as it allows you to take a moment, slow down, and be present. More than others, this holiday season can be critical to really be in the moment and be mindful. Practicing mindfulness lowers stress and increases mental attention and focus, and it will help you have deeper and better connections with those around you.

5. See the Positive & Make it Special

Find a way to focus on the good this year and make new memories. Many people chose Christmas ornaments to commemorate 2020 with masks, hand sanitizers, or images of quarantines and social distancing. Some took photos of their family in masks or kept their distance with a porch pic. Find new ways to let this year go down in the history books. Look for a positive way to mark this year as complete and move toward the future.

6. Focus on What You Can Control

This year has proven that so much of life is really just out of our control. That's hard. It can be challenging not to have control of significant aspects of our life, especially our day-to-day routines. Rather than dwelling on all of the things, you can't change, focus on what you can. If you have family members who don't take health seriously, don't ruminate on their decisions or behaviors and instead maintain your own health and safety. Make a good decision for you and your family and continue walking your own path forward.

7. Reach Out to Others

Reaching out to others if you need support is essential. We can also reach out to others in a unique way this year to celebrate at a distance. Reach out to family and friends for a virtual video call or to share your favorite food or drink recipe together. Commemorate the holidays with a unique "at a distance" photo or online celebration. Also, pick up the phone and call a friend if you need support. It's okay to reach out for help. Our support system is just that, a system of support for when we need it. If you are struggling, let someone know. Talk about how you are feeling and share with others your process.

8. Be a Role Model for Your Children

Remember that our children absorb what we say and do. They watch how we act, and we teach them through our own actions and how we face the world. If we complain every day about how awful life is, they feel that and begin to express it too. Be a positive role model for them. Show and teach them that it's okay to express how you feel, and it's okay to feel disappointed or upset. But also teach them that we can find the positive in a very negative situation. Create something special for you all as a family to help you move forward and persevere during this challenging time.

9. Practice Gratitude

There is much research to show the many mental, emotional, and physical benefits of gratitude. It can be beneficial to focus on the positive and think about things for which you are grateful. The practice of gratitude has many benefits and helps during stressful and challenging times. By practicing gratitude, we are forcing ourselves to find the positive in a challenging situation. It also helps to gain perspective in our lives and see that many positives still exist.

10. Make Good & Healthy Decisions

Making good and healthy decisions may mean saying "no" to a gathering or family event that you don't feel comfortable with and setting good boundaries. Or it may mean sticking to good healthy food and monitoring yourself for overindulgence. Monitoring alcohol consumption should also prioritize, as the holidays can most certainly be a time of excess. Making good decisions is really key to managing good emotional health. Be sure to eat healthy meals, get plenty of sleep, include some physical activity into your daily routine, and avoid excess alcohol use. Also, manage the amount of news and social media that you consume. We live in such a connected world that it can be easy to stay glued to our phones and know every post on social, but that can often come with a hefty price tag. Look to maintain overall balance in your life this holiday season.

For more articles on maintain good mental health during the COVID19 pandemic, click here.

ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Online services are provided by telephone or online through a virtual portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

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Can Your Marriage Survive Coronavirus?

When the coronavirus pandemic and social distancing first began, there were many jokes that we would see an increase in babies being born about 9 months from now, but the reality is, we’ve seen increased tension, stress, arguments, and even divorce. So while some couples may be spending their time having sex, others may be arguing and feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. This is an incredibly difficult time and especially with this being a novel situation that none of us have had to experience before. Navigating new and unknown waters is challenging. Our lives have been turned upside down and there are so many new and different stressors that we didn’t have before.

Many people have children without any childcare options or who may not be going back to school at all, which means parents are learning how to homeschool while also managing their jobs and other daily responsibilities. Many have tremendous financial concerns or may have even lost their jobs completely. Lots of people are juggling working from home, but also parenting in a different way and without any reprieve. We are navigating a new and different mask-wearing world where there are many public restrictions and a lack of any social outlets. And it's stressful. Situations like this can exacerbate already existing problems in a marriage and even create new ones. That's hard.

Here are some tips to help your marriage survive a pandemic:

1. Communicate:

One of the most important tips is to keep lines of communication open. Often, couples let problems, feelings, or complaints build until it's too late and it turns into a huge argument. These types of situations can often be avoided if we maintain good communication as small situations arises along the way. Many couples are spending more time together due to social distancing and therefore feel that they are “talking” all the time because they are constantly around one another, but the type of communication that I’m referring to is not the day-to-day chit chat, but deeper, more meaningful conversations. Be sure to check-in with your partner to see how they are feeling and functioning during this stressful time. Having open and consistent streams of communication can increase the understanding and happiness in a relationship.

2. Establish a Routine:

Often we don’t realize how many routines we have established in our lives until they are impacted and we are unable to do them. Routines offer us a sense of normalcy. Do your best during this time, to re-establish or maintain a routine in your home. This may be your evening or nighttime routine, which is very helpful if you have children. Also, for individuals or couples, it's helpful to establish some sort of routine during the day, especially if both or one person is working from home and that is not typical or something they are accustomed to. Try creating a routine and have healthy habits throughout your day, with your partner, with your family, and in your household. This can provide a sense of safety, comfort, normalcy, and balance.

3. Give Each Other Some Space:

Most of us are spending way more time at home than ever before and this can create a strong feeling of togetherness. While that might be delightful for some or even be good for a small period of time, it can also get overwhelming. We are not used to seeing each other 24/7. Prior to social distancing, we often had natural breaks that are plugged in during our day due to work or school. Now we are seeing each other constantly. Create space for yourself and your family members. Give yourself and your partner some alone time. Having that “me time” is essential to practicing self-care and promoting a healthy balance in your life and your relationship. While most of us may not have many options in leaving the home, you could try some alone time without your house. Perhaps, explain to your partner that you need an hour to yourself and take a nice relaxing bath, read a book, go to your workshop or the garage, close yourself off in a bedroom and lock the door or just find a way that you can have a few moments to yourself. This time allows you to clear your mind, decompress, and gather your thoughts and feelings. It's important to find time for yourself and ensure that your family members are doing the same.

4. Create New Memories:

Get creative! This can be a challenge, but try to think about new and different things that you and your partner can do together. Create some memories during this time that you can share and laugh about down the road. You may try something different within your home that you don’t usually do together. This can also be very helpful if you are a couple that usually does activities outside of the home. Try some unique family time, such as game nights, hikes, outdoor activities, etc. Finding new and different activities together can create more of a positive atmosphere, good memories during a challenging time, and help serve as a distraction during a stressful situation. Read more here on our blog: 20 Date Night Ideas During COVID.

5. Focus on Health:

While it may seem obvious to focus on health during a pandemic, for many it isn’t and especially if they are feeling stress and overwhelmed. Health includes both your physical and your mental health an overall mind-body wellness. That means ensuring that you are monitoring your emotional well-being as well. Be sure to practice self-care and encourage your partner to do the same. Also, try establishing some goals together that will help you two focus on your health and well-being. This may be cooking together and focusing on healthy meals or even exercising at home or trying a new online workout program. The point here is that by focusing on health, it can create a positive goal that you share to boost your emotional and mental health.

6. Find The Positives:

It can be incredibly easy to only focus on the negative right now. There are so many negative things to complain about! Everything feels unknown, uncertain, and very unsteady. Many places are closed down or have restrictions and nothing feels normal. It’s very easy to focus on how terrible all of that is, but it's also important to find something positive amidst all of this negative. It may be helpful to write down a few things that you are grateful for. Perhaps social distancing has brought you two together to complete some much-needed home improvement projects or you’ve taken a step back from work to actually be present and enjoy a family dinner together. Look for some of those positives that you can focus on and spin in a direction of growth and progress.

7. Try Online Activities:

As a couple, you could try some new activities together. There are currently many options for online and virtual activities as most businesses have increased their online presence due to the limitations of in-person services. Try a new online class, exercise program, yoga class, meditation program, or even some shared games that you can do together. Remember, as stated above, new memories and experiences can help to change the focus from all negative onto things that are positive and exciting.

8. Have Your Own Experience:

It's okay to not agree on how to feel or handle the coronavirus. Guess what? This is pretty challenging for all of us and completely new and different. It's okay to feel the way that each of us feels. Whatever that might be. Give your partner the space to process the situation or have their own experience with the COVID restrictions. We may not always agree and it's challenging for all of us. We all have different reactions, beliefs, and thoughts about the situation and the best way to handle it. That’s okay. It can be challenging to have different viewpoints in the same household, but we have to create space for those differing opinions. Constant debates or trying to prove a point can lead to resentments, disagreements, and further distance in your relationship. Focus on your own experience, reaction, and emotional processing while giving your partner the space to do the same.

9. Let Go of Control:

It's okay that things aren’t perfect right now. They shouldn’t be. This is new, different, and hard for us all and we are all having to figure out how to navigate these waters. So many things are unknown and cannot be planned. While this may make some people feel uncomfortable, we must remember that we can’t control what’s going to happen in the future. Things keep changing by the minute. It's frustrating, difficult, and can make your head spin. The point is that you have to let go of that desire to control the unknown and do your best to move forward. Let go of the expectation that things will feel the way they usually do. You may try a mindfulness meditation or simply focus on taking a few deep breaths throughout the day to re-center yourself and let go of that control.

10. Be Kind:

Last, but not least, be kind. Show kindness to your partner and yourself. These are tough times. Be sure that you are viewing your partner, your family, and yourself with patience and compassion. Know that this is hard for everyone and we have to show one another kindness, empathy, and compassion, especially during tough times. We can often let frustration, stress, and worry build to the point that it impacts how we treat others. Be mindful of your attitude, mindset, and actions toward others. This is especially true with your partner as you’re spending larger amounts of time together, which naturally can create a challenging dynamic. By practicing kindness, we can build stronger bonds and connections together that will outlast the coronavirus pandemic and boost the love in our relationship.

For more tips on maintaining positive mental wellness during COVID-19 & the coronavirus pandemic, click here to read more:

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support or are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Online services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

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20 Date Night Ideas To Try During COVID

While we continue to grapple with the COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic in the United States, many places still have social distancing mandates in effect and others are simply closed down. Finding fun and creative ideas for a date night with your partner can be challenging.

In a time of stress, chaos, and uncertainty it can be important to find an outlet, a moment of relief, relaxation, and fun. This is especially true if you are enjoying it with your partner. Stress can often have a negative impact on a relationship so it’s important to continue to put forth that effort and dedication to your partner.

How can you keep the romance and passion alive in your relationship while you remain safe during this pandemic? Here are some date night ideas that you can do in the comfort of your own home or in an outdoor space that allows for plenty of social distancing.

Date Night Ideas While Social Distancing:

1. Try a Virtual Visit:

There are many museum tours, aquariums, and National parks that are offering free virtual visits. This allows a unique opportunity to view places that are not local and you may not see otherwise or at least without having to travel a far distance. Taking a virtual tour also allows you and your partner to engage in good conversation about the art, landscape, animals, or scenery that you experience. It may give you a change in your normal surroundings and even help you to feel like you got to escape the four walls of your quarantined home.

2. Game Night:

Are you and your partner in for a little healthy competition? Try a game night. You could bring out some of your favorite games from growing up or order some new ones to challenge each of you. Depending on your mood or even personality, you may be in for something more interactive, like charades or something with more strategy like chess or poker. No matter your choice, having a game night with your partner can help shake up the normal routine and bring some fun into your home.

3. Couples Enrichment Activities:

There are many great marriage boosting activities that you and your partner could try. While we are maintaining social distance, it’s a great opportunity to allow for focus and dedication to your partner. Some marriage enrichment activities include journal prompts to either write about or just verbally share with your partner. You can find lots of articles with marriage tips and there are several free marriage tip videos that you could watch with your spouse. Many webpages have prompts and questions for couples that serve as great conversation starters. These types of activities help couples work on communication and connection.

4. Outdoor Movie:

Many couples enjoy snuggling up with one another while watching their favorite flick. If you’ve been binge-watching Netflix nightly from your sofa and want to change things up a bit, try creating an outdoor movie theater. Some people have outdoor TVs on their decks or even projectors that work with your smartphone so you can view the movie from a blank wall. You could string some lights for a more romantic glow, lay down a blanket and pillows and snuggle up under the stars.

5. Creative Picnic:

Another fun outdoor activity is to create a picnic, either at a local park, your backyard, or even your living room. You could get appetizers from a favorite restaurant or choose an assortment of charcuterie to sample. Another fun idea is to make your picnic a theme, such as Hawaiian night, tastes of Italy, or an evening of sweet treats for a decadent touch. Picnics can also have a romantic touch with candles, lights, or simply under the moonlight.

6. Romantic Dine-in:

Create a space in your home for a romantic dinner. You could try dressing up an outdoor table or even a spot in your living room with a table cloth, candlelight, and perhaps some freshly picked flowers. The idea here is to re-create a private and romantic dining experience. You could pick-up take-out from your favorite spot that you get to enjoy in the comfort of your own home.

7. Scavenger Hunt or Hide & Seek:

Bring back some fun childhood memories and an element of suspense and surprise by creating a scavenger hunt for each other or even play hide and seek with items throughout your home. While it may seem silly, it’s a great way to view your home, your partner, and the evening in a different way. You can try a scavenger hunt that’s filled with brain-busting riddles for your partner to solve along the way or how about a sexy hide and seek game with your favorite pieces of lingerie. Get creative with using your everyday space and household items to stimulate some fun together in a new way.

8. Art Night:

Let your creativity flow! Try having a painting night where you both work on the same picture and compare at the end or even try a new craft or woodworking project together. Pinterest has lots of ideas that are not for the faint-hearted. You can keep things relationship-focused by creating a keepsake that will represent your pandemic time together or a memento that highlights your marriage and the love you have together.

9. Get to Cooking:

Many people find cooking to be therapeutic and it can be a great activity for couples to do together. There are often cooking classes that are focused on couples and you may be able to find some online right now. You can also try following along with a cooking demonstration from a tv show or class or simply look up a new recipe online to try. You could also try a little competition and each creates a dish that you critique and share at the end.

10. Food & Drink Pairing:

Try creating an interesting selection of food and drink pairings, such as local wine & artisan cheeses or your favorite tea and biscuits. You could try various tapas or appetizers from around the world or keep it close to home with samplings of beers from your local brewery. This can serve as a conversation starter by giving you something a little different to engage in and share your thoughts with your partner on the selections. You can discover what you and your partner like and don’t like while you compare notes.

11. A Mini Book Club:

A unique idea to share with your partner may be to try some new reading material together. There are often motivational marriage stories and other material for couples such as relationship boosters. You could try each reading a short story or other article and then sharing the content. The idea here is to choose an activity that you both enjoy, such as reading and find unique ways that you can share the time and engage in conversation about the activity.

12. At-Home Spa Day:

While many of us have missed our routine pedicure and trip to the local salon, you can try and recreate a spa day in the comfort of your own home and with your partner. Think bubble bath for two, followed by facial scrubs and massages. You can even try some new or different products or even try and make your own sugar scrub or soap together. This may give you something new to try and be a great way to reduce stress.

13. Healthy Competition:

Many couples may enjoy the healthy competition of video gaming, a fitness challenge, or even an online trivia game. You could also try having a sing-off with some living room karaoke or a pajama dance party to show off your best skills. The idea of challenging your partner in a healthy way can create some competition and maybe even fuel your sexual desire for each other.

14. Fondue Tasting:

Another fun food idea is to try a night of fondue tasting. You can melt some of your favorite cheeses or mix various additions in with chocolate and have a sample. This again allows for an opportunity to try something different and promotes conversation for the two of you. For a romantic touch, you could try doing the entire fondue sampling by feeding one another.

15. Backyard Camping:

If you are fans of camping but haven’t had the opportunity to go or perhaps campgrounds are closed, then try creating your own camping experience right at home. You can get into the activity with roasting s’mores over your fire pit, inside in your fireplace, or melted in the oven. And if you don’t have space to pitch a tent in your backyard, then try a pillow fort in the living room. The point here is to completely shake up your normal routine and recreate a different and unique experience that you can share with your partner.

16. Online Classes:

With so many things going virtual right now, there is no shortage of interesting classes and activities online. You and your partner could try a new activity or exercise class, perhaps do some yoga or Zumba together. There are also several wellness classes offered for free that focus on your overall mind-body wellbeing, such as stress management or a mindfulness meditation class. Many top universities are also offering free classes on a variety of subjects such as gaming, design, writing, filmmaking, photography, science, business, or foreign languages. If you and your partner have ever talked about learning something new, now might be your chance! You can try a new class, hit pause, and share some thoughts along the way with your spouse.

17. Create a Photo Book or Digital Collage

Many couples enjoy reminiscing about some fun times together! So try looking through old photos of vacations, trips or even your wedding. You can put together a digital collage to share on social or create a custom photo book to have printed. Looking through pictures can boost positive memories, good conversation, and build a connection between two people.

18. Try Photography:

For those who may have an eye for photography, you may enjoy having a photography night. You could each take snapshots of unique items or views from around your home and share them later. You could even make it a contest and have your partner guess where the pic was taken or simply what the item is. Even if you don’t have a professional lens, you can simply click away with your smartphone and create unique pictures of everyday items.

19. Get Outside:

While many couples enjoy outdoor activities together, now is one of the best times to get outside and keep your social distance. You can try hiking, biking, canoeing, fishing, gardening, or just simply go for a walk around your neighborhood. Being outdoors and in nature has been proven to boost feelings of relaxation and happiness. When shared with your partner, you can build some great memories enjoying nature and each other.

20. Last, but not least, have sex!

Seems self-explanatory, but take some time to just be intimate with your partner. Try something new. Think lingerie, feathers, sex toys, or role-play. When many businesses are closed down, activities are limited and friends are socially distancing, there seems to be no better time than to spend an afternoon in bed. If you have kids, this may not be an afternoon in bed, but a quickie in the morning before the house wakes. Physical intimacy, touch, and sex are all great ways to boost those love hormones, which foster feelings of safety, affection, and love.

Have some great date night ideas that you’ve tried during the pandemic? Please share them in the comments section below! We’d love to hear more.

Can Your Marriage Survive COVID?

Many couples have found that COVID has brought on new and different challenges or even highlighted existing difficulties. For many, it has been very hard, but with a few strategies on coping, it’s possible to make it though.

Click for more tips on helping your marriage survive the coronavirus pandemic.

Tips for Mental Wellness Amid COVID-19

The coronavirus pandemic has been stressful and can take a toll on your mental health. Self-care and coping strategies are really essential during this time.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Online services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

Learn more

Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

See more of our Blogs & Videos below for tips on relationships & mental wellness: