Reasons Behind Lack of Affection in a Relationship

Have you gone through periods in your relationship where you felt your partner wasn’t as affectionate or addressing your needs for intimacy and comfort in the relationship? It can be quite normal in relationships for the level of physical affection and intimacy to vary. Relationships tend to ebb and flow when it comes to the intimacy level and closeness. People often worry that when their partner is not showing them physical intimacy, it means something bad about them or the relationship itself. While there are situations where that might be the case, there are also times that your partner may not be demonstrating affection and they have nothing to do with you or the health of your relationship. 

Here are some reasons behind your partner not showing affection:

1. Different Boundaries & Personality:

People have some basic differences with the amount of affection that they are comfortable expressing. For example, when someone grows up in a family that did not show affection often, then they may feel more uncomfortable demonstrating physical affection in their relationship. This has nothing to do with their partner, but it’s simply a different boundary and comfort zone for the person. It is not something that they are used to or comfortable with. Personality also plays a role in people’s level of comfort with showing affection. Introverts may feel less comfortable with expressing affection, while extroverts show affection often and with ease. It’s important that we have an understanding of our parnter’s comfort level. Another common theory showing a difference between partners is the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. He explains that we have different ways in which we recieve and give love. For example, if your love language is physical affection and your partner is words of affirmation, then you may continually attempt physical touch with your partner as a way to demonstrate love, but they are desiring words of affirmation. This difference, therefore, can leave people leaving feeling unloved or lacking in affection. This is a simple difference that having an understanding between partners may help with.

2. Feeling Comfy:

It is common in relationships, that when a couple has been together for quite a while, they can feel very comfortable and forget the key aspects of courtship and affection. When we are first dating, there is often more attention placed on demonstrating affection. Once there is a comfort level established, it is common to not place as much effort in showing your partner affection. This is not necessarily due to not desiring your partner, but simply due to feeling very comfortable and not putting forth the same amount of effort and attention. It’s important that we are continuously making that effort and putting forth time and dedication to our partnership as it is a key to happiness and relationship satisfaction.

3. Closed off to Intimacy:

For many people, showing affection is a very intimate act and when someone is feeling fearful or closed off to intimacy, then they will avoid initiating any affection altogether. This could be due to something that has happened to them previously, in other relationships, or even in childhood. The person may be more closed off and resistant to physical affection or even emotional vulnerability. People can often put up emotional barriers or walls to prevent being too open or vulnerable with someone else. This is an issue that is about them, their comfort level with intimacy and not their partner. It can be difficult for many people to show affection and not because they don’t want to, but because it is very uncomfortable and difficult for them to do so.

4. Off-Balance: 

Often, when we get caught up in focusing on other areas of our life, such as work, school, or social aspects, then we can unintentionally neglect other aspects of our life. This may not be due to not desiring our partner or the relationship, but simply because our attention is focused elsewhere. It is common that if one partner has something major happening in their life that is taking their full focus or creating high levels of stress, such as a major work project, then they can get off balance and “forget” to demonstrate affection with their partner. It really takes having a healthy balance and putting your partner and relationship as a priority to maintain physical affection, intimacy, and connection in the partnership. 

5. Insecurities & Difficulty with Vulnerability:

There can be times when someone may not be feeling as secure or confident within themselves. This could be due to body image issues or just overall self-esteem. Many times when someone is not feeling confident, they will not want to initiate affection. Demonstrating affection does take courage and being vulnerable; therefore, if someone is not feeling brave or wanting to put themselves out there in a vulnerable way, then they will not be as willing to demonstrating affection. This again has to do with their own issues related to self-esteem and confidence and nothing to do with their partner.

6. Mental Health:

It is common that when someone is experiencing a disturbance in their emotional and mental health, they may not demonstrate as much affection as they would at other times. Some mental health examples include depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, or even obsessive compulsive disorder. When someone is under distress due to an imbalance of emotions, then they are less like to show their partner affection. If you notice your partner is experiencing mental health symptoms, then it is important to talk with them about how they are feeling and ask if you can be of support or help them to seek professional help.

Although the reasons above demonstrate that the lack of affection in a relationship may not be due to a lack of love toward a partner or even an indication of the health of the relationship, often and over time, this lack of affection can be damaging to a partnership and have a direct impact on the happiness of the couple.

So what can you do?

Read more in our blog on Ways to Increase Affection in Your Relationship:

---

Online services are available

If you are needing support or are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & has increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

---

Free Facebook Group About Relationships

If you’d like to hear more on relationship topics and tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free and closed Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that is closed and private. It provides tips and inspirational material for couples as well as supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

---

---

See more of our Blogs & Videos below for tips on relationships & mental wellness:

---

View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

View fullsize

Coping With Insecurities in a Relationship

View fullsize

10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

---

Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

---

Are New Year's Resolutions Possible?

Setting goals for the New Year is a great tradition that many of us participate in, but unfortunately the success rate of achieving resolutions is very poor. The success rate of actual completion of goals has been reported at 12%. So how can we be more successful in reaching goals that we have set out for ourselves? 

First, it’s important to understand that setting a meaningless goal at the beginning of the year may not be as helpful or useful as creating positive intentions or even healthy habits. The research has shown that healthy habits can positively influence overall lifestyle rather than aiming for achieving goals. 

Here are some tips to help you stay focused in the New Year:

Get in the Right Mindset:

You have to believe you can accomplish your goal in order to actually reach it! Get motivated and excited about your goal and get others involved too. If you plan with a friend or family member, you won’t feel alone while working toward your goal and doing it with others can be more fun too!

Cautious Selection:

Spend time selecting your goal. Often people make a nonchalant statement like “I’m going to lose weight in the New Year,” but really do not take the time to think the goal through and really plan what weight loss will mean for them. The selection is important to keep you on track so really think about something that you want to accomplish, something that is important to you. If you are passionate about your goal and it is something you really want to accomplish then you are more likely to follow through and be successful.

Make Your Goal Measurable:

Setting a goal that you can monitor and track is really important in order to keep you motivated and seeing the finish line. If your goal is too general then you are more likely to not stay focused. You can log your progress in a journal or there are several apps that can help with goal setting. Again, this can help you see your accomplishments along the way and increase your success.

Start Small:

Make a goal that is realistic and something reasonable that you can accomplish. If our goal is too big or we do not see ourselves making progress then we are more likely to give up. It is much better to set a small goal that have you accomplish and need to set the bar higher rather than a goal that is too large you end up giving up. 

Share Your Goal:

Tell others about your goal and let people know what you need in order to accomplish this goal. This keeps you accountable and others may provide support and reinforcement to you as you work toward your goal.

Give Yourself Positive Reinforcement:

It’s important to reinforce and reward yourself for achieving progress. Rewarding yourself with give you that boost of confidence and reinforcement that you need in order to continue working toward your goal or healthy habit.

Now you have some tips to help you to accomplish your New Years resolution, good luck, and know that you can do it!

Happy New Year!

---

ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

---

Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

---

---

View fullsize

Steps to Forgiveness

View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Ways Pets Can Boost Your Mental Health

View fullsize

How Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day

---

Coping with Grief & Loss During the Holidays

The holiday season can be a joyous time when we celebrate with our friends and family; however, for many who have lost loved ones, it can bring up memories that cause sadness and feelings of loss. This can make the holidays challenging and difficult. It’s important to find positive ways to cope with grief and loss that can better facilitate our healing process. The following coping skills and suggestions can help with healing as well as be useful any time of the year.

Engage in Activities:

Find an activity that you enjoy and be sure to stay active and occupied with this during the holidays. Activities can often serve as a positive distraction and help us to engage in something fun that we enjoy, which is important during difficult and challenging times. Many people shut down when they are feeling emotionally overwhelmed and forget to engage in activities that they enjoy. It’s this time in particular when it’s most important to engage in these activities as they serve as positive coping skills. Some examples include activities such as: getting a massage, practicing meditation or mindfulness, going to the beach, engaging in outdoor activities, talking to a friend, reading a book, going to the movies, soaking in the bathtub, etc.

Build Positive Social Support:

Be sure to surround yourself with people who provide support and encouragement. Having a positive support system is really important. Our friends, family and social network can serve as a great outlet to discuss and process our feelings and give us much needed support. Be sure to pick your social support wisely, as they should have your back, encourage and empower you. If you do not currently have a positive support system, there are many group social groups that build connections as well as provide support specifically for grief and loss. Many local community centers, hospitals, and churches often have grief and loss support groups where you may find individuals who are experiencing similar issues and can provide support and guidance.

Create New Traditions:

Create something new and different for yourself, your family, and/or a way to remember your loved one. It can be very healing and symbolic to do something in memory of a loved one who has passed away. This may be something such as lighting a candle during the holidays as a symbol that they are there with you in spirit or lighting a candle on the anniversary of their death. It may also be helpful to write them a letter and tie it to a balloon and set it free. Activities such as this can help with saying goodbye and releasing of feelings. During the holidays, you could also cook their favorite meal, look through old photos, or simply take a walk to be alone and think about all the wonderful memories you had with that person. The important thing is to do something special, different or new that can create a special tradition that will be helpful for you in processing feelings of loss.

Eat Well and Make Healthy Food Choices:

Maintaining a healthy diet and eating nutritious food is also important, especially during the holidays. Many people may not realize, but they can use food as an unhealthy way to deal with difficult emotions. This is often referred to as “emotional eating.” It can be particularly common during the holidays because the holiday season can bring on higher levels of stress as well as these feelings of grief and loss. This challenging emotions combined with decadent food and endless holiday parties sets one up for overeating. So be aware of your food choices and the amount of food that you are consuming.

Reduce Alcohol Consumption:

Similar to eating well and making healthy food choices, it is also important that we remain aware of alcohol consumption. With alcohol being a depressant, it can contribute and sometimes increase feelings of sadness, loneliness or depression. This is especially true during the holidays as this season can evoke many different emotions and memories. Therefore, monitor your alcohol consumption or don’t drink at all. You could instead bring along an interesting non-alcoholic beverage to enjoy at a party.

Volunteer or Help Others:

Another helpful coping mechanism is to engage in an activity that is helpful for others. The research shows that showing gratitude, kindness, and compassion to others, can also increase our own happiness. You may consider engaging in a volunteer organization that is related to your loved one’s memory. For example, if your loved one passed away of cancer, you may consider helping out a local cancer organization or make a donation in their honor. Some other ideas to help others might include: sending cards or care packages to deployed military members, visiting a children’s center or nursing home, serving lunch at a homeless shelter, entering a 5k run/walk benefiting an organization, or anything else you can find that may be beneficial and helpful to others.

---

ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

---

Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

---

---

View fullsize

Steps to Forgiveness

View fullsize

5 Ways Pets Can Boost Your Mental Health

View fullsize

How Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day

View fullsize

Tips to Finding Your Center

View fullsize

Finding Happiness in Everyday Things

---