Reasons Behind Lack of Affection in a Relationship

Have you ever experienced times in your relationship when you felt that your partner was not as affectionate or was neglecting your needs for intimacy and comfort? In most relationships, the level of physical affection and intimacy tends to fluctuate over time. Relationships tend to ebb and flow in terms of intimacy level and closeness. People often worry that when their partner is not showing them physical intimacy, it means something bad about them or the relationship itself. While there are situations where that might be the case, there are also times when your partner may not be demonstrating affection, and it has nothing to do with you or the health of your relationship. 

Here are some reasons your partner might not be showing affection:

1. Different Boundaries & Personality:

People have varying comfort levels when expressing affection. For example, when someone grows up in a family that rarely shows affection, they may feel more uncomfortable demonstrating physical affection in their relationships. This has nothing to do with their partner, but it's simply a different boundary and comfort zone for the person. It is not something that they are used to or comfortable with. Personality also plays a role in people's level of comfort with showing affection. Introverts may feel less comfortable expressing affection, whereas extroverts often and easily show affection. We must understand our partner's comfort level, but we can still strive to communicate and gain insight into how we can work to meet each other's needs.

Another familiar theory highlighting the differences between partners is Dr. Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages. He explains that we have different ways of giving and receiving love. For example, if your love language is "physical touch" and your partner's is "words of affirmation," you may continually attempt to demonstrate love through physical touch, but they may be seeking words of affirmation instead, which could lead to misunderstanding and hurt feelings. This difference can also leave people feeling unloved, unwanted, and uncared for.

2. Feeling Too Comfy:

It is common in relationships that when a couple has been together for quite a while, they can feel very comfortable and forget the key aspects of courtship and affection. When we are first dating, there is often more attention placed on demonstrating affection. Once a comfort level is established, it is common for many people to put less effort into showing affection to their partner. The lack of demonstration is not necessarily due to a lack of desire for your partner but rather to feeling very comfortable and not putting forth the same amount of effort and attention. 

It's crucial that we continually make an effort and put forth time and dedication to our partnership, as it's key to maintaining the emotional and physical connection as well as the overall happiness and satisfaction in the relationship.

3. Difficulties with Vulnerability:

For many people, showing affection is a very intimate act. When someone is feeling fearful or closed off to intimacy, they will often avoid initiating any affection altogether. This could be due to something that has happened to them previously, in other relationships, or even in childhood. The person may be more closed off and resistant to physical affection, as well as emotional vulnerability. People can often put up emotional barriers or walls to prevent themselves from being too open or vulnerable with someone else.

This is often an issue about them, their comfort level with intimacy, and not always about their partner. It can be difficult for many people to show affection, not because they don't want to, but because it is very uncomfortable and challenging for them to do so. Demonstrating affection requires courage and vulnerability; therefore, if someone is not feeling brave or wants to put themselves out there in a vulnerable way, they will not be as willing to demonstrate affection. Addressing this discomfort and taking responsibility for reducing emotional walls and barriers we may put up in a relationship is essential.

4. Imbalance in Priorities: 

When individuals become preoccupied with other areas of our lives, such as work, school, or social aspects, we can unintentionally neglect other aspects of our lives. This lack of prioritizing affection toward a partner may not be due to a lack of desire but simply because our attention is focused elsewhere. It is common that if one partner has something significant happening in their life that is taking their complete focus or creating high levels of stress, such as a major work project, then they can get off balance and "forget" to demonstrate affection with their partner. It takes having a healthy balance and prioritizing your partner and relationship to maintain physical affection, intimacy, and connection within the partnership. 

5. Insecurities & Difficulty with Self-Esteem:

There may be times when someone feels less secure or confident within themselves. This could be due to body image issues or just overall self-esteem. Often, when someone lacks confidence, they are less likely to initiate affection. They may be experiencing more discomfort and, therefore, do not feel as secure within themselves to demonstrate their feelings toward their partner.

These types of challenges often have to do with their issues related to self-esteem and confidence and nothing to do with their partner. However, it is essential to note that when we are facing a personal challenge that directly impacts our relationship and our partner, it is crucial to take steps toward addressing these issues. Not only does working toward managing your self-esteem and insecurities bring you more growth and happiness, but it will also positively impact your partner and relationship.

6. Mental Health:

It is common that when someone is experiencing a disturbance in their emotional and mental health, they may not demonstrate as much affection as they would at other times. Some mental health examples include depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and even obsessive-compulsive disorder. When someone is in distress due to an emotional imbalance, they are less likely to show affection to their partner. If you notice your partner is experiencing mental health symptoms, then it is essential to talk with them about how they are feeling and ask if you can be of support or help them to seek professional help.

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Understanding of these reasons for lack of affection can help promote healthier communication on the subject between partners. Although the reasons above demonstrate that the lack of affection in a relationship may not be due to a lack of love toward a partner or even an indication of the health of the relationship, often and over time, this lack of affection can be damaging to a partnership and have a direct impact on the happiness of the couple. Read more below on our blog for ways to increase lack of affection in a relationship.

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So what can you do?

Read more in our blog on Ways to Increase Affection in Your Relationship:

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Professional services are available

If you are needing professional support or are interested in relationship coaching, individual psychotherapy services, or couples counseling, virtual services are available. You can read more about Online Services with Dr. Shelley. Sessions are available for individuals or couples and appointments can be booked online or simply email with any questions or appointment requests.

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Free Facebook Group About Relationships

If you’d like to hear more on relationship topics and tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free and closed Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that is closed and private. It provides tips and inspirational material for couples as well as supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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See more of our Blogs & Videos below for tips on relationships & mental wellness:

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Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

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5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Are New Year's Resolutions Possible?

Setting goals for the New Year is a great tradition that many of us participate in, but unfortunately the success rate of achieving resolutions is very poor. The success rate of actual completion of goals has been reported at 12%. So how can we be more successful in reaching goals that we have set out for ourselves? 

First, it’s important to understand that setting a meaningless goal at the beginning of the year may not be as helpful or useful as creating positive intentions or even healthy habits. The research has shown that healthy habits can positively influence overall lifestyle rather than aiming for achieving goals. 

Here are some tips to help you stay focused in the New Year:

Get in the Right Mindset:

You have to believe you can accomplish your goal in order to actually reach it! Get motivated and excited about your goal and get others involved too. If you plan with a friend or family member, you won’t feel alone while working toward your goal and doing it with others can be more fun too!

Cautious Selection:

Spend time selecting your goal. Often people make a nonchalant statement like “I’m going to lose weight in the New Year,” but really do not take the time to think the goal through and really plan what weight loss will mean for them. The selection is important to keep you on track so really think about something that you want to accomplish, something that is important to you. If you are passionate about your goal and it is something you really want to accomplish then you are more likely to follow through and be successful.

Make Your Goal Measurable:

Setting a goal that you can monitor and track is really important in order to keep you motivated and seeing the finish line. If your goal is too general then you are more likely to not stay focused. You can log your progress in a journal or there are several apps that can help with goal setting. Again, this can help you see your accomplishments along the way and increase your success.

Start Small:

Make a goal that is realistic and something reasonable that you can accomplish. If our goal is too big or we do not see ourselves making progress then we are more likely to give up. It is much better to set a small goal that have you accomplish and need to set the bar higher rather than a goal that is too large you end up giving up. 

Share Your Goal:

Tell others about your goal and let people know what you need in order to accomplish this goal. This keeps you accountable and others may provide support and reinforcement to you as you work toward your goal.

Give Yourself Positive Reinforcement:

It’s important to reinforce and reward yourself for achieving progress. Rewarding yourself with give you that boost of confidence and reinforcement that you need in order to continue working toward your goal or healthy habit.

Now you have some tips to help you to accomplish your New Years resolution, good luck, and know that you can do it!

Happy New Year!

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Coping with Grief & Loss During the Holidays

The holiday season can be a joyous time when we celebrate with our friends and family; however, for many who have lost loved ones, it can bring up memories that cause sadness and feelings of loss. This can make the holidays challenging and difficult. It’s important to find positive ways to cope with grief and loss that can better facilitate our healing process. The following coping skills and suggestions can help with healing as well as be useful any time of the year.

Engage in Activities:

Find an activity that you enjoy and be sure to stay active and occupied with this during the holidays. Activities can often serve as a positive distraction and help us to engage in something fun that we enjoy, which is important during difficult and challenging times. Many people shut down when they are feeling emotionally overwhelmed and forget to engage in activities that they enjoy. It’s this time in particular when it’s most important to engage in these activities as they serve as positive coping skills. Some examples include activities such as: getting a massage, practicing meditation or mindfulness, going to the beach, engaging in outdoor activities, talking to a friend, reading a book, going to the movies, soaking in the bathtub, etc.

Build Positive Social Support:

Be sure to surround yourself with people who provide support and encouragement. Having a positive support system is really important. Our friends, family and social network can serve as a great outlet to discuss and process our feelings and give us much needed support. Be sure to pick your social support wisely, as they should have your back, encourage and empower you. If you do not currently have a positive support system, there are many group social groups that build connections as well as provide support specifically for grief and loss. Many local community centers, hospitals, and churches often have grief and loss support groups where you may find individuals who are experiencing similar issues and can provide support and guidance.

Create New Traditions:

Create something new and different for yourself, your family, and/or a way to remember your loved one. It can be very healing and symbolic to do something in memory of a loved one who has passed away. This may be something such as lighting a candle during the holidays as a symbol that they are there with you in spirit or lighting a candle on the anniversary of their death. It may also be helpful to write them a letter and tie it to a balloon and set it free. Activities such as this can help with saying goodbye and releasing of feelings. During the holidays, you could also cook their favorite meal, look through old photos, or simply take a walk to be alone and think about all the wonderful memories you had with that person. The important thing is to do something special, different or new that can create a special tradition that will be helpful for you in processing feelings of loss.

Eat Well and Make Healthy Food Choices:

Maintaining a healthy diet and eating nutritious food is also important, especially during the holidays. Many people may not realize, but they can use food as an unhealthy way to deal with difficult emotions. This is often referred to as “emotional eating.” It can be particularly common during the holidays because the holiday season can bring on higher levels of stress as well as these feelings of grief and loss. This challenging emotions combined with decadent food and endless holiday parties sets one up for overeating. So be aware of your food choices and the amount of food that you are consuming.

Reduce Alcohol Consumption:

Similar to eating well and making healthy food choices, it is also important that we remain aware of alcohol consumption. With alcohol being a depressant, it can contribute and sometimes increase feelings of sadness, loneliness or depression. This is especially true during the holidays as this season can evoke many different emotions and memories. Therefore, monitor your alcohol consumption or don’t drink at all. You could instead bring along an interesting non-alcoholic beverage to enjoy at a party.

Volunteer or Help Others:

Another helpful coping mechanism is to engage in an activity that is helpful for others. The research shows that showing gratitude, kindness, and compassion to others, can also increase our own happiness. You may consider engaging in a volunteer organization that is related to your loved one’s memory. For example, if your loved one passed away of cancer, you may consider helping out a local cancer organization or make a donation in their honor. Some other ideas to help others might include: sending cards or care packages to deployed military members, visiting a children’s center or nursing home, serving lunch at a homeless shelter, entering a 5k run/walk benefiting an organization, or anything else you can find that may be beneficial and helpful to others.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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