Simple Steps to Creating Healthy Habits

A healthy habit is any behavior or activity that is beneficial for your physical, mental or emotional health. They may include things like good nutrition, exercise, self-care routine, stress management, or happiness related hobbies. These positive and healthy habits can lead to an overall happier and healthier lifestyle. 

When we focus on creating change in our life, one way to work toward this change is by creating healthy habits in our daily schedule. Many people may think of goal setting to create change and while this can be very helpful, for most, the longer-lasting change will come from creating habits rather than just short-term goals.

There is a major difference between goal setting and habit formation although much of the idea may overlap. A habit is more of an automatic response than a goal you set out to achieve, which forces you to think about and work toward. A habit is something ingrained in you and your routine, that you do it without much thought. 

Setting healthy habits in your life that can be incorporated into your daily routine show higher success rates with actually reaching the target than simply setting goals. The research shows that habit formation is more likely to last and create long-term response than goal setting.

6 Tips to Start Healthy Habits:

1. Make a mental shift

   Consider why it’s important to change something in your life and contemplate the good and positive reasons for doing so. You could even make a list of why your new desired habit is a good thing and write down the negatives for your current behavior or action that you are trying to change.

2. Think about the long-term

   It can be helpful to focus on the long-term and reflect on your life in the future. Think about how you would like things to look, whether that is with your health, relationships, work, etc. This will allow you to see things on a bigger level and change your focus from short-term goal setting to overall healthy habits. For example, if you have a weight loss or health goal, then it is healthier to think of it as altering your lifestyle to a healthier one rather than just to lose 20lbs. A healthier lifestyle will include positive habits such as eating healthy and exercising, which you can work to include in your daily routine.

3. Start small and reasonable

   One of the best ways to start a new healthy habit is to start small and build. People often set a goal that is too big and then it will be impossible to reach. For example, a goal may be to go to the gym daily, but a better way to start might be to focus ongoing 2 days a week, then 3, and so on. Again, as with the step above, you should also focus on your overall healthy lifestyle rather than just a simple goal as well. This can help you to be more successful with achieving the task and being able to better incorporate it into your lifestyle.

4. Incorporate the new behavior into your daily routine

   It’s important to plug in your new habit into your routine so that it can be more of a habit. Be sure to work out a plan for how you will incorporate this into your day-to-day life. When we can add a new behavior into our already established routine, then we are more likely to be successful with following through with this task. If we set something up that is not usual or regular for us and is too difficult to accomplish, then we are less likely to be successful.

5. Have cues to prompt and remind:

   When you plug a new habit into your routine, you must have consistent cues and reminders that will set us up for success to follow through with the new behavior. If you are hoping to add the gym to your daily schedule as you work toward developing a healthier lifestyle, then you may want to set a reminder on your cell phone calendar that will prompt you to remember the gym or even pack your gym bag and set it on the seat of your car. 

6. Have rewards that will reinforce

   It is also important to reward yourself for your progress toward your goal. This will help to maintain motivation and continued desire to follow through with your goals. So be sure to give yourself something positive that will encourage your continued hard work, such as some new workout clothes or a gym bag if you are working on a healthy lifestyle. No matter the reward, just remember to be kind to yourself and give yourself much needed encouragement.

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Tips for Coping with Emotional Pain

Dealing with emotional pain is extremely difficult. Learning how to cope and heal from this pain in a healthy way can be even harder. Emotional pain can come from many circumstances such as grief, loss, trauma, stress or toxic relationships. Developing good coping skills is really essential to the process of healing. We all need outlets. We need healthy ways to express our feelings and emotions. Actually healing from emotional pain is so important and powerful, versus getting stuck and letting negative feelings hinder you from moving forward and living to your full potential.

Most people attempt to avoid emotional pain that they are feeling and this often causes them to get trapped in a cycle that actually ends up holding onto negative emotions. Some people may use unhealthy coping mechanisms such as alcohol or other substances as a means of numbing bad feelings. Often, this is unconscious. This, unfortunately, just temporarily masks the pain and does not actually help in the healing process.

Another common response to negative emotions is simply trying not to deal with them at all. Unfortunately, when we engage in this behavior, emotions do not heal and they will work themselves to the surface, but often in a very negative way. For example, with unresolved grief or other emotional pain, a person may find that they later have an increase in periods of high anxiety or acute stress. They may also notice more physical symptoms, such as difficulty sleeping, upset stomach, constant worry and rumination or even high blood pressure. It is crucial to learn healthy and appropriate ways to work through these difficult emotions. Learning good coping skills and self-care can heal pain and help to move forward. 

10 Tips For Healthy Coping:

1. Write in a journal 

Writing about emotional pain can be very powerful and help to actually release the emotions. Journaling allows you to mentally think about and process your feelings while you are “expressing” them, by writing, which can, in turn, release them and encourage the healing process. There have been many positive benefits seen from journaling about emotional pain. To start journaling, find anything that you feel comfortable writing in and just begin! If it’s more comfortable to be structured or use prompts then think of questions for yourself, such as “how did I get to the place where I am today?” “in my darkest place, I felt …” or “what have I learned from this experience?” The point is to write about your experience in great detail and write thoroughly about how you are feeling. This allows for the “expression” of the emotion and the symbolic “release,” which is critical to healing.

2. Use Your Creativity

This could be drawing, knitting, art, dance, photography, music, pottery, or really any activity that you enjoy. This exercise is similar to writing in a journal as it allows for the release of emotions. Through activities, we are able to find fun, freedom, distraction and often times, relief from holding onto negative emotions. This is another avenue that allows you to process and express emotions; therefore, release and heal from them.

3. Find a Healthy Support System

This could include talking to a friend or family member or even joining support groups. Having a social and emotional outlet is important. Also, speaking with someone and actually saying the words out loud about how you are feeling can be beneficial to healing. One word of caution with this step; however, is to not get too bogged down with just repeatedly venting where it can turn into unhealthy rumination and you get stuck. It’s important that you are using your support system to discuss how you are feeling, in a healthy way.

4. Use Self-Reflection

Think about your own role in the situation that is upsetting you and look for ways in which you can improve. Most of the time, when we become angry at someone else, we finger point and look to blame. We may focus on the ways in which the other person has hurt us or what they have done wrong. It can be important to express how we have been wronged and discuss that with the person who wronged us, but it is also helpful to look at ways in which we could have handled things differently, what we can change about our own behavior or how we can approach a situation differently in the future.

Another example is when people experience a bad situation that is outside of their control and they were victim to something. This can lead people to feel helpless and as though they had no control over their situation. While this may be true, it’s important to focus on what things they can do or change for the future. Perhaps it’s focusing on the positive and building their current relationships or focusing on bettering their health. These are things that we can control and keep us focused on the positive and moving forward.

5. Try Relaxation Techniques

There are many different types of relaxation techniques that can be helpful during the time of emotional pain and stress. These include using simple breathing techniques, meditation or mindfulness activities or it could even include grounding exercises, which are helpful in situations of trauma or acute stress. The point with these activities is to slow yourself down, to be very present in the moment and give yourself an opportunity of calming and healing.

A simple breathing exercise could take just a few short minutes to do and have very helpful effects. Here is an example of a simple breathing exercise: breath in and count to 5 as you are doing so, now hold your breath and count to 5 again and then exhale for 5. Repeat. This will allow you to slow your breathing and pay more focused attention on how you are feeling. After a few minutes of this calm focused breathing, you will notice a calming in your mind and your overall state of being.

6. Distract Yourself

There are times when our emotional state can be overwhelming and difficult to manage. This is when having a distraction could be helpful with coping. A distraction can be something as simple as watching a movie or having coffee with a friend. It just allows you a moment to not think about your emotional pain and in some ways, regain composure and control over how you are feeling. A distraction is a temporary relief strategy, but should not be your constant. It’s important to actually sit with your emotions and heal from them; therefore, distraction is best used only to help you through the process when you need a break or things feel too heavy. Having a temporary break from emotional pain and distracting yourself can be really important in the process.

7. Exercise

Physical exercise is a key component of mind-body wellness. Movement can allow for our negative emotions to become unstuck and actually move; therefore, allowing us to process these emotions and release them. So, do not discount the importance of going for a walk or going to the gym. Exercise can also help in reducing any negative impacts that stress has caused to the body. If you are not someone who exercises often, then a simple 20-minute walk around the neighborhood may be a great place to start to get your body and mind moving.

8. Identify Unhealthy Thinking Patterns

Learn to identify unhealthy patterns with your thinking, such as rumination or negative thinking and work toward changing those patterns. This is a common cognitive-behavioral strategy that is often seen in the management of stress or even depression and trauma. For example, when you notice yourself engaging in negative thinking or ruminating over the bad situation that happened, use self-talk to change that pattern. You can say things like, “I will get through this,” “I am strong” or “I am brave.” First, you must identify when we are not thinking in a healthy manner and then work to change that. Changing the way that we think can have a very positive impact.

9. Sit With Your Emotions

Now, this is the opposite of what I described above with distraction, but both can be healthy and healing in their own way and at the right time. As difficult as it can be, there is importance to just sitting and being present with how you are feeling. This allows you to be very aware, in the present moment with how you are feeling and to not dismiss or hide from painful emotions. It allows for an opportunity to reflect and validate your emotions and how you are feeling. It also allows for you to express these emotions to yourself and perhaps allow yourself time to cry or grieve. This again will help you to process how you are feeling and work toward healing.

10. Look Forward

It is important in the process that we do not get stuck in a negative cycle for too long. It’s crucial to keep moving forward. Of course, you should always allow yourself time to heal because this is an extremely difficult process. However, it is also important that you are working toward progress and looking for a future time when these emotions do not weigh heavily on you. This could include setting goals for something in the future or perhaps making plans for an activity as something to work toward and look forward to. This action of thinking about the future can be helpful. When people are overwhelmed with difficult feelings in the moment, it can be hard to think about the future or even picture a time when they aren’t experiencing this emotional pain. So it’s a challenge, but a purposeful one that can actually be quite helpful. This can get you setting future goals and thinking positively, which helps with healing.

Positive thinking can have a major impact in a good way toward healing. Many people underestimate the power of positive thinking, but it can help us to adjust our mood and the way that we think overall. When we have gone through a difficult situation and are working toward healing from emotional pain, it can be extremely challenging yet helpful to find something positive and meaningful in our situation, such as something we learned from the experience or how we can take a bad experience and move forward in a positive way.

Working through painful emotions is never easy. The importance here is that you are finding healthy activities and coping mechanisms that will promote your healing in a positive way. Each person is different and the situation that they experienced is very different; therefore, the coping strategies and personal preferences will also be different. It’s essential to find things that work well for you and stick to it. Painful emotions take time to heal so don’t give up right away. Keep moving forward and working on your own self-care. Healing will come and you will get through this.

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ONLINE SESSIONS available

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Online services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Finding Joy Through Hobbies

The demands of life can sometimes leave us feeling stuck in daily routines with an overall dissatisfaction in life. So how do we change that? How can we add a bit of excitement back into our lives and increase our overall satisfaction and happiness?

Well, one way is to give hobbies a try! January is National Hobby Month and while hobbies are just common activities that people engage in as something fun to do, they often do not realize that hobbies also have so many benefits for our mind and body wellness. Below, I will describe a few.

Here are 5 Benefits of Hobbies:

1.Coping Skills

Hobbies can serve as coping skills and be positive strategies to help you cope with challenging situations. They can be an outlet for expression of emotions, whether that’s through art, drawing, writing, music, group meetings, painting, etc. Finding an outlet to express your feelings is crucial to coping with life’s challenges. Hobbies can also serve as a good distraction from everyday stressors. While hobbies provide us with something fun to do, they can also serve as a distraction from thinking about everyday stress and challenges that we face. This can be a critical component of an overall self-care program.

2. Sense of achievement and mastery

Hobbies and new activities can give us a surprising sense of achievement through growth and mastery. Learning something new can be a challenge; however, when we begin to develop mastery with the new activity, this helps us gain new skills and make us feel good about ourselves and our accomplishments. This not only provides joy, but it can also boost self-esteem and confidence. Just don’t forget to have fun with the activity that you’ve chosen and not get too caught up in the competition of it!

3. Social connection

One of the most beneficial areas to which hobbies can provide, is an avenue for social connection. Many hobbies are in fact ones that you may do alone; however, there are often groups that meet to participate in the activity all together. For example, there are often online groups, forums, workshops or other ways that people connect through a shared interest. For people who are seeking social connection this can be a huge support. It allows for a feeling of togetherness, companionship and shared interests, which reduce isolation and loneliness. 

4. Meaningful activity

Hobbies can also provide an activity to engage in that can be meaningful and provide a sense of fulfillment. Often times, people find that when they are engaging in something that they enjoy, life feels more fulfilling and that they are living with more meaning and purpose. This increases satisfaction with life and overall happiness. It also helps to take us out of living a day-to-day routine that may feel mundane or boring. Hobbies can bring a new joyful purpose to one’s life.

5. Mental or physical stimulation

Depending on the type of hobby or activity that you are involved in, some provide mental stimulation that can be good for your brain and mental functioning, while others can provide beneficial physical stimulation. Activities, such as reading, puzzles, needlepoint, etc. allow you to mentally focus, which can stimulate your thought process in a new and different ways as well as work on memory and other cognitive tasks. This can be helpful for your mind and cognitive abilities. Hobbies that provide physical stimulation include things like playing in a sports league, walking, hiking, travel, etc. These can be helpful to increase your exercise levels and keep you physically healthy.

So, if you aren’t already engaged in a hobby or haven’t considered starting one, you should now! Try searching online for some new activities or groups near you. Think of things that interest you and go for it. There are so many great benefits to come.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Forgiveness: 3 Steps to Help Learn to Let Go

Have you ever forgotten to take your dog for a walk or play fetch and still find that you get greeted daily with tail wags and kisses? It’s easy for animals to forgive as they just live in the moment and forget the bad. But for us? Oh no. We remember every detail that someone has done to wrong us. We don’t forget. Even times when we want to forget and move on, many find it difficult to do so. Forgiveness is hard, especially when we feel hurt, betrayed, or wronged by someone. The act of forgiveness is one of the most challenging and difficult things that we can do as human beings.

Why is it important to let go? Because holding onto anger and resentment can be burdensome. It can cause us stress, be emotionally overwhelming and often cause negative physical responses due to being continually angry. It ends up hurting you way more than the person whom you are angry with. Forgiveness is important and healthy. We all may need a different amount of time to come to the stage of forgiveness, however. Some, may be able to forgive quickly, while others may need to feel angry and hurt and forgive at a later date, and that’s okay too. The point is, forgiveness is a healthy release of emotion that we should work toward doing, but in our own time. 

Steps to Forgiveness:

1. Engage in empathy

This can be a very difficult task when you feel hurt by someone. It’s so challenging to put yourself in their shoes, practice empathy and imagine how and why they could hurt you. This is an important step though. There is much research that points to empathy being a key component in learning to forgive. The act of empathy can actually help lessen our own anger by looking at the situation from someone else’s point of view and help toward the process of healing. If we have a better understanding for why a spouse cheated or a friend lied to us or someone broke into our home, we can learn to forgive. This does not mean that we will forget or that we are saying this bad action is okay. It just means that we are trying to understand a different perspective that will help us in our healing. It may sound impossible, but when you sit and analyze for a moment why someone did something you consider terrible, you may learn that action was about them, and not you. Maybe it was due to their insecurities, a power and control issue, their addiction or mental illness, etc. Again, these things do not make it okay, but it can certainly give you a different perspective. With this understanding, there is hope to release the burdensome anger.

2. Practice gratitude

One activity to try when working on forgiveness is to practice gratitude. Think of the person who has hurt you, the things they have done wrong and things you feel resentful about. This will probably be very easy to do. Now think about things you feel grateful to them for. If it was a stranger, think of things about the situation that you can be grateful for or something that you learned from it. Again, this can be challenging and, at first, may seem. For many, it may seem impossible to think of something positive in a terrible situation, but perhaps the situation led you closer to others who are positive in your life, or perhaps it made you stronger, or maybe it just opened your eyes to see another person differently. The point here is to have you step out of a place of complete and utter consumption with anger and see a different perspective. 

3. Ceremonial act of letting go

The last exercise is to engage in a ceremonial act of forgiveness. Another crucial step in your healing is the actual act of letting go, which can be quite powerful and gratifying. It could include writing down all of your resentments and anger toward someone and burning that piece of paper, burying it in the dirt, or sending it off with a balloon. You could write the person a letter explaining how terrible their actions made you feel and never send it by either tearing it up or burning it. Now, it’s important to remember that you may be in a situation in which you need to actually discuss your hurt and pain with another person and that may be very important for you healing, but this activity is for you personally. This is your own personal healing and something for you to do without having to prepare to deal with another person. The point of this step is that you engage in a meaningful activity that allows you to work toward closure and letting go.

Now that you’ve gone through the process of forgiveness, you can let go and move forward with the important things in your life, without anger weighing heavily on your shoulders.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals and couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Free Facebook Group On Relationships

Be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group: The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Worried About Overindulging This Holiday Season? Here Are 6 Mindful Eating Tips to Help:

This year has been incredibly challenging for most, if not all of us. With a pandemic, quarantines, social distancing, isolation, etc., it’s hard just to function day-to-day. When we add on holidays, it can be even more challenging. Many people are choosing to avoid holiday gatherings, in general, or to join in online or zoom calls to “see” friends and family. While this may reduce the chances of overindulging, for some, they are still faced with struggles in their own home. It is important to remember that balance and healthy eating are still essential to our overall wellbeing. The key here is balance This means that while we can absolutely indulge in celebration and enjoy a slice of our favorite pie, we must also maintain good self-awareness of our food intake and emotional process while eating and get back on track after the celebration ends. 

The number of individuals struggling with eating disorders in this country has been quoted as high as 30 million by the National Eating Disorder Association. Therefore, many people may be dealing with the challenges of be triggered by food during the holidays. Emotional eating occurs when one’s emotional state causes them to binge eat or repeatedly overindulge. This can be particularly difficult to manage during this season as we tend to have more food available as well as lots of sugary treats to entice. If you find yourself struggling to control emotional eating episodes or urges to overindulge this holiday season, here are some tips that may be helpful. 

6 Tips to Reduce Emotional Eating:

1. Prepare for mealtimes.

It is important to think ahead. This could include bringing some healthier snacks along with you where you know healthy food options may be limited or preparing a side dish that is a healthier option for you. Also, be sure that your good decisions begin while grocery shopping. If you limit your unhealthy options to begin with, this can help you fair better when it comes to mealtimes.

2. Manage stress.

The holidays can be stressful. When our stress levels are high, it has been noted that we tend to have higher episodes of emotional eating. It is important that you are managing your stress levels before and during the season to ensure that you do not engage in unhealthy eating as a poor coping mechanism. Some healthy ways to manage stress include: exercising, journaling, laughing, and engaging in distracting hobbies. 

3. Get emotions under control.

Emotional eating is triggered by experiencing difficult or unhealthy emotions as well as challenging cognitions that impact the way that we think. One way to reduce emotional eating is to feel more in control of your emotions. This may include engaging in mindfulness or meditation. Mindfulness is a state of being fully in tune and aware of your present moment, including your thoughts, feelings and body experiences. Mindfulness can help you to feel very present and engaged in the moment as well as more in control to how you are feeling. Another way to get emotions under control is to express them. This could be to briefly write in a journal or call up a friend to talk about how you are feeling. The point here is that you are walking into a situation with a better overall mental and emotional state.

4. Engage in mindful eating.

Mindfulness is a state of being fully aware and in tune with your present moment; therefore, when we eat mindfully, this means we are being fully aware of ourselves and our experience with food. Mindful eating means taking a pause prior to eating to calm and center yourself. You can take a few deep breaths to really get yourself grounded. Then prior to eating, pay full attention to your food, how it looks and if there are any smells. Then as you take your first bite, really focus on the experience of chewing the food, what the food tastes like, what the texture is like and how it feels to eat the food. Continue this exercise throughout your eating experience to really help you slow down and focus on the present moment.

5. Manage alcohol consumption.

One critical piece of food intake that people often forget, is consuming alcohol. During the holiday season, many people may enjoy an alcoholic beverage here and there. It’s important to be mindful of your alcohol intake as this can impact your food consumption. When people do not monitor their alcohol intake they can often over eat without even realizing. Alcohol can lower our inhibitions and impact our judgment and thought process.

6. Get in the right mindset.

While emotions obviously play a huge role in emotional eating episodes, your mindset and the way that you think are equally important. Get into a good mindset! This could be engaging in positive affirmations before you go and speaking to yourself in a positive way like, “I can do this,” “I have my relationship with food under control,” “I can have a healthier relationship with food.” The purpose here is to utilize positive self-talk to impact the way that you think about yourself and your situation. This will set you up for entering the holidays with both your emotional and mental state in a more positive frame. 

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ONLINE MINDFUL EATING CLASS

For more information on mindful eating, check out our self-guided online class: Mindful Eating: A Healthy Relationship With Food. This class provides a workbook complete with information on emotional eating, mindful eating tips and homework assignments to guide you through the material as well as an hour and half of video series content. The class also comes with a guided mindful eating exercise.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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10 Tips For Couples

Relationships are hard work! It takes time and effort to really put your partner and your relationship as a top priority in your life. There are many different factors and aspects that we have to take into consideration to maintain a healthy relationship. Below are 10 helpful tips to keeping good balance, communication, priority and intimacy in your relationship. 

1. Take Time:

It’s important to set aside time to commit to speaking to your partner about your relationship. This dialogue should include your likes and dislikes about the partnership and anything you see that you can try to change for the better. This exercise is designed to allow partners to express their feelings rather than allowing resentment to build over time. This could simply be 15 minutes at the end of the week when you and your partner can commit to not be disturbed by other things and actually communicate with each other. The purpose is to “check-in” every once in a while about how both parties feel about the relationship to ensure an opportunity for open lines of communication. 

2. Work on Communication Skills:

Healthy communication is the ability to speak in a way that allows you to feel heard and also giving your partner that same opportunity. The point is to have effective communication that is productive and allows you to solve problems and make progress. Learning how to communicate better with your partner should include the ability to also listen, which can be key. First, you must learn how to communicate your thoughts and feelings in a productive way rather than placing blame. When we point blame, it often raises defenses in the other person and creates resentments over time. During communication, try using “I” statements, such as “I feel _____”. This allows you to speak from your own perspective without pointing blame. For example, “I feel angry when you come home late at night” is more productive than, “you’re always coming home late!” It’s a small change that has a big impact. The two examples carry very different tones and meanings. This can greatly impact your partner’s response. This allows you to express how you are feelings without blaming your partner. Again, communication is about getting feelings across productively and working to find resolution.

3. Make Love a Priority:

Be sure to make your relationship with your partner a priority in your life. After being together for quite some time, it can be easy to put our relationship on the back burner and not actively work toward maintaining communication or passion. It can be difficult to manage all of the different activities and aspects in our lives. There are lots of things are important, such as our jobs, our health, our alone time, our children, social life, hobbies, etc. But be sure that you are also putting forth thought and effort toward your relationship. This sends a message to your partner that he or she is an important factor in your life. It is essential that we not only send the message to our partner that our relationship is important, but we also maintain a good balance of the different priorities in our life. 

4. Be Attentive:

The idea of being attentive and having high awareness to what is happening in your relationship and with your partner is crucial for it’s success. Many times, people attempt to “brush problems under the rug” and ignore the obvious. Or they may be physically present with their partner, but not really taking the time or fully paying attention to them. This can build resentments and hurtful feelings over time. People should address problems as they arise and discuss them regularly, rather than hiding from them and allowing them to accumulate. We should also take time to be really present with their partners so they feel heard and cared about. It may be impossible to do this 100% of the time, but be sure to devote some time and attention to your partner on a regular basis. This also relates back to taking that time to have healthy communication and “check-in” on your relationship is doing. 

5. Express Assertively:

The healthy balance in between being passive on one end and being aggressive on the other is assertiveness. Being assertive in the way that you speak to your partner allows you to state your needs in a direct and reasonable way.  Many times people do not think about the way that they speak and may do so in an aggressive manner, which can be very unhealthy or they may chose to not speak at all and remain very passive in their relationship, which contributes to the building of resentments and unsolved problems. Being assertive allows you to express thoughts, opinions, feelings and ideas in a healthy matter. Finding this balance can be difficult, but worth the time and practice. You can go back to the suggestion of using “I” statements to be sure and address things with your partner in a way that does not place blame and allows you two to communicate productively.

6. Practice Self-Soothing:

Soothing our own feelings and sitting with difficult emotions is an important part of taking responsibility for our own feelings as well as being in a relationship. People often project their feelings onto their partner rather than self-soothing and dealing with their own emotional state. We must learn how to deal with and heal from our own emotional baggage without needing validation or emotional soothing from our partners. The ability to comfort yourself means you can calm yourself in a healthy way even when your feelings are hurt or your partner is not validating you and telling you what you want to hear. When two people are able to both self-soothe, it makes for a much happier and healthier relationship. The communication becomes more productive and each person feels more in control of their own emotional state.

7. Engage in Conflict Resolution:

Resolving a conflict can seem overwhelming and at times, impossible to do. This is especially true when we allow conflicts and arguments to continue for a long period of time and resentments build. Not allowing conflict to go unresolved or those resentments to arise is essential for couples. Conflict resolution should take place when you and your partner are calm and willing to talk things through until you can reach a compromise. Resolving a conflict involves coming into the discussion with ideas of things that you want to change and an agreement that you are both willing to change the things that you can. That means that each party is involved in the change process and has to take responsibility for how they can work toward resolving a problem. This is where that self-soothing comes in because when we discuss resolving conflict, emotions can run high and communication can be difficult. Remember to self-soothe, calm yourself down, and remember that the goal of the discussion is to reach compromise and resolution. 

8. Build Your Sexual Relationship:

Your sexual relationship can often be a metaphor for the health and functioning of your relationship as a whole. Therefore, it is important that you are monitoring the state of your sexual relationship and ensuring that is a priority in your life. It is important that you are open and honest with your partner about how you are feeling. It is key that couples check-in occasionally about how they feel about their sex life and intimacy levels. Are both parties feeling that their needs are being met? Are there things that you wish you could change about your sexual relationship? Again, these are important aspects to share with your partner, but sex can be a difficult topic for couples to discuss. It may be helpful to set up a time to talk when both parties are aware of the discussion so that they go in prepared and ready to share their feelings. 

9. Focus on Self-Awareness:

Looking within ourselves and thinking about how we contribute to the challenges in our relationship is something that is essential to creating healthy change. Most people stray way from this; however, as it is much easier to blame your partner for things that are wrong. It requires you to be very vulnerable and honest with yourself on how you can also change in order to better the relationship. First, think of the common arguments you and your partner have and explore ways that you may contribute to these disagreements. Most of the time, we seek to change our partner rather than change ourselves so in this example, come up with a few items that you can do differently in the future. Taking responsibility for our own actions and things that we can change will help to create overall change and betterment in the relationship.

10. Find Personal Balance:

Maintaining a balance between your identity as an individual and your identity as a couple can be very difficult, but it can be a key component to relationship satisfaction. We actually tend to appreciate our relationship much more when we also have our own independence and autonomy. So be sure to maintain your own social life, activities or hobbies and encourage your partner to do the same as this will allow for better balance and health in your relationship.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Online services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals and/or couples. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Online Group for Couples

Be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group: The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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