Using Positive Affirmations to Create a Good Mindset

Positive affirmations are simple statements that you can say to yourself regularly to help cope with a stressful situation or to improve mood and boost self-esteem. Affirmations can be such a simple yet powerful tool in our bag of coping skills. Positive affirmations can improve mood, decrease negative thinking, improve self-esteem and body image, it can also decrease worry, anxiety, stress and bring on a more positive and optimistic outlook.

Using daily affirmations can help you to work toward goals that you set for yourself and your personal growth and development. These are helpful when you are feeling down, insecure, worried or anytime that you might need to be uplifted. Many people undermine affirmations because it may seem too easy or even silly. But the power of positive thinking is very effective and it’s back by research. The studies have shown us that positive thinking can be beneficial in altering one’s mindset and effectively coping with emotional challenges.

The idea is that by constantly repeating positive statements to yourself, that is about yourself, your body, your relationship or your life in general, they will become engrained in your brain and you will begin to believe them and in turn, think more positively. 

You’re saturating your brain with positivity and training yourself to think more healthily. This is very helpful if you are dealing with an issue such as stress or self-esteem issues, then you can start each day with statements to yourself like, “I can do this.” “I am good enough.” So to start this exercise you can write down a list of affirmations that you can say to yourself and then practice that each day. 

It’s important when you are starting something new like this, that you find a place to incorporate it into your routine so that it becomes a good habit. But just remember, positive affirmations take time and practice and you need the constant repetitive nature of saying these positive things to yourself daily. 

You must find things that meet your needs and are specific to you. You can also write affirmations down on little sticky notes and place them where you will see them at the start of each day or even write them on your mirror so you that you see them while getting ready in the morning. Another idea is to listen to music or audio scripts that say positive affirmations. You could listen to this in the car on your way to work. 

Affirmation Ideas:

• Post-it notes

• Write on your mirror

• Get a calendar or journal with prompts

• Download an app

• Say it to yourself

• Say it aloud in the mirror or while you are driving

• Or you can listen to music or scripts that say positive affirmations
  

Example Positive Affirmations:

I bring good things into my life.

I attract positivity 

I am strong

I am kind

I am enough

I attract healthy relationships

I see the beauty within myself

Good things will happen for me

I can heal

I am grateful.

I can create my own future

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Tips for Surviving the Engagement Period

The engagement period is such an exciting time in a couple’s life. They recently decided to get married and spend their lives together. While this is a joyous period, many couples can argue more than normal and this often catches them by surprise.

The engagement period is an exciting time; however, it can also be incredibly stressful. There are so many demands, pressures, expectations, and changes that are all happening at once. Stress, in particular, plays a major role in conflict during the engagement period. Stress can arise due to many factors, such as the overwhelming process of planning a wedding, the pressures, and expectations from extended family members or friends as well as financial challenges and the stress of change in the relationship. Many couples are dealing with tremendous change and thinking about their future changing, such as moving in together, merging your life with someone else’s or even the change of future dynamics and goals. 

Partners may have expectations that have not previously been discussed such as how involved one will be or not with the wedding planning. There may also be expectations partners may have about family traditions that their partner isn’t aware of, which can create tension with their soon-to-be spouse. Often, the engagement period brings up questions that couples haven’t addressed in a relationship such as finances, religion, children or family obligations as well as future expectations, etc.

Couples may then argue as they work these details and dynamics out, which then can create worry about the future, their marriage and merging their two lives. The engagement period is a time of change and transition that can result in more understanding of one another, but it can be challenging and stressful to go through. 

Many couples can be surprised and even worried when they begin to argue more often soon after getting engaged. While this is typical, many people fear that their future relationship is doomed. It’s important to understand that this is a transition time with a lot of change and stress, which can put pressure onto a couple and create more tension than usual. 

Here are some helpful tips to tame fights during the engagement period:

1. Let Go of Perfection: 

Couples tend to desire that everything be perfect during the engagement period. The apprehension of the future can influence how couples act and feel. Couples may argue during this time and then get worried that their arguments are a negative sign and therefore, feel apprehensive about the future. There can be expectations that everything will fall right into place and when it doesn’t, it creates worry and fear about the marriage. Arguing, when done healthily, can lead to a better understanding of each other and the relationship, in general. Couples must let go of any expectation or idea that everything must be perfect. Couples should try and focus on the positive, which is their connection and commitment to one another as well as learning more about one another through this process. 

2. Let go of the Small Stuff: 

Focus on the bigger picture, which is the relationship and the commitment that a couple is making to be married and spend their lives together. People can get caught up in the small details with wedding planning or family expectations when at the end of the day, that will not be what creates a lasting marriage. It’s important to stay focused on the connection between one another during this time and let go of some of the small stuff.  

3. Communicate: 

Although communication is always important in relationships, it’s especially true during the engagement time because of the amount of change that a couple is experiencing as well as stress. Talking about these issues is crucial to the success of the relationship. Many people can have expectations of their spouse that they don’t communicate to them. They tend to think that their partner will be able to read their mind and just know what they want. It’s important to communicate your needs so that your partner knows. If you are wanting your partner to be more involved in the wedding planning, then it’s important to express that expectation. Communicating with one another and finding compromise is key here. 

4. Continue Courtship: 

One of the most important things that couples can do during their engagement is to remember to date and have fun together! This may seem completely obvious, but it’s very common that when a couple is newly engaged, they have more stress and demands from friends, family, and wedding planning that they can put their relationship on the back burner without even realizing it. Dating is an important factor in maintaining connection and intimacy with your partner because it allows you the alone time needed to be present, mindful and in the moment. So be sure to take a night off and enjoy quality time with your soon-to-be spouse.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals or couples. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP About RELATIONSHIPS:

If you’d like to read more on relationship topics and hear tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is a free, but private and closed online support group that is listed under the Loving Roots Project Facebook page. The group is facilitated by Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Coach and provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

5 Tips for Self-Improvement

Self-improvement is important. Growing as a person is essential to having a full and meaningful life. Living to your full potential means that you have to put forth effort into being open to changing yourself and continuing to grow. Ensuring you are being the best person you can be.

5 Tips for Self-Improvement:

1. Life-Long Goal:

Make it an ongoing goal to work on being a better person, constantly. It should be a daily goal and mission that you set and stick with it. It’s more than just a goal that you set and walk away. It’s a bigger process that requires constant work. It’s something that requires mental dedication. People may often read an article or see an advertisement related to bettering yourself, whether it’s physically, mentally, etc. and then they become focused on achieving that; however, once they feel they are in a good place, they drop their focus of this being something they work on. Make this something that you will continuously strive toward as it will always have rewards and benefits in your life. 

2. Boost Self-Worth

One of the main principles and a foundation for why this activity is important is feeling enough self-worth and believing that you are worth it. Believe in yourself, know the goal is important as this is your life and your ability to be the best person and best version of yourself that you can be. It’s important to believe in self-improvement and feels that you are worth this process and hard work. Once you have that foundation of strong self-worth and dedicate your time and energy to working on yourself, you can make quite a difference in your own life and ultimately achieve higher satisfaction and happiness.

3. Growth in All Areas

Make it a goal of constantly working on self-improvement in physical, mental and spiritual areas. It can be quite common that people resort to “spot treatment.” This means that when they are feeling “off” with their mental health, experiencing higher than usual levels of depression or anxiety, then they will seek help. Then they wait and when something happens again, either mental health or even physical health then they go get treatment for that issue. While this is a positive thing as we should be seeking treatment and help for issues that we are experiencing, it is healthier to maintain progress and growth toward keeping mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing at a good place. This means that we should constantly be looking at ways to improve our overall person rather than only when there are problems. This can help keep problems at bay when you have good maintenance. Get creative and look for activities and things you can get involved in, which benefit your growth as a person on an ongoing basis.

4. Positive Social Support

Surround yourself with like-minded individuals. This is the time to rid your life of toxic people. The people in our lives can often be quite influential even without us noticing. When we are surrounded by people who are negative, not supportive, criticize us or judge us, that can weigh heavily over time. So be sure to evaluate the relationship in your life to ensure that they are positive and supportive. Join positive groups and make connections with people who have the same goals. The better the people in your life, the higher and more positive the impact. You can all work to life one another up and support one another to achieve goals. 

5. Ever-Changing Process

Make this a process that is fluid and forever changing, not static. Forgive yourself if you get off track and then restart again. There isn’t an ultimate goal or finished project, but a constantly changing version of yourself who are devoted to self-improvement. When we have this mindset versus thinking of it as a final destination or end goal, it helps us to realize that working on ourselves and focusing on self-improvement is something that we must continually work on.

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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How Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day

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The Benefits of Giving

Giving back or volunteerism is simply the act of helping others in need. Giving back is something positive that helps others, gives back to your community and those in need and it also has many benefits for the volunteer.

Some of the latest research shows us that by focusing on gratitude and giving to others, it can increase personal happiness. Giving back can have positive impacts on both your physical and mental health. 

Many organizations provide wonderful services to so many people in need. There’s a great need for volunteers. This gives back greatly to our communities and saves resources.

The importance of the community:

• Supports families, daycare, eldercare

• Education programs for tutoring and literacy

• Opportunity to support youth with mentoring and after-school programs

• Clean up programs that beautify our local parks

Volunteering is important for many reasons, it saves resources in our communities, meets critical needs and gives better physical and mental health to those who give their time.

Benefits of Volunteering:

• Offer vital help to those in need

• Helpful to your Community or Cause

• Connects you to other people and increases social interaction

• Improves physical health by being active and reducing stress & depression

• Keep you mentally stimulated

• Gives you purpose and meaning

• Increases fulfillment & helps us to feel needed

• Benefits your career as it can teach you skills 

• Helping others increases happiness

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If you feel this is something that would be helpful to you and your community, here are some organizations that can help.

Resources:

• VolunteerMatch - volunteermatch.org

• National and Community Service - nationalservice.gov

• Volunteer - volunteer.gov

• American Red Cross - redcross.org

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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How Spending Time Alone Can Boost Personal Growth

Going into any activity with the right mindset can help to maximize the benefits. Having alone time is one of those activities that can have wonderful self-care and coping benefits, especially when done right.

So first, why is alone time important? Well, being alone allows the space for self-reflection and it allows you to relax and focus on your personal needs. It reduces our likelihood of being overstimulated and it allows us the space for healing, self-care, and practicing good coping skills. 

Our society tends to be based on instant gratification as well as being constantly connected and stimulated. But we are missing out on the connection with ourselves and the calmness that our brain can desire and benefit from. For some, being in solitude for a length of time without social contact or technology can be extremely difficult. 

One study found that we can spend as much as five hours a day on our phones, which means we are more connected than ever and we may find it challenging to disconnect. It’s important to note that having alone time is not selfish or abnormal. And solitude is not only for introverts. It’s an exercise of self-care that can be beneficial for everyone.

Benefits:

• Promotes mindfulness

• Increases creativity

• Allows space for daydreaming

• Increases problem-solving skills

• It can make you smarter

• Increases self-awareness

• Increases empathy

• Increases focus & connection with people in your life

• Improves your health

• Boosts energy & productivity

• Increases calmness & happiness 

• Helps to manage stress
  

Tips to Maximizing Your Alone Time:

Be mindful.

Think about activities and your time wisely. This means when you set the space for some alone time, choose wisely and with intention. Focus on what will be meaningful for you to do and be sure to put your phone away and stay off social media. This just allows you to reconnect with yourself during this time.

Make your needs a priority.

Think about activities that may be helpful for you or help with something you’re currently struggling with, such as your health or even stress. Keep an ongoing list that you can turn to when you want to spend some time alone.

Choose activities that focus on your self-care.

You can engage in activities like journaling, reading, gratitude, mindfulness, cooking, taking an online class, exercise, trying something new or something you’ve wanted to try, or take a nap! Rest and relaxation are also important to a self-care routine.

So be sure to schedule some alone time for yourself and enjoy the solitude!

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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View fullsize

Steps to Forgiveness

View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

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Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

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5 Ways Pets Can Boost Your Mental Health

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How Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day

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Can Long Distance Relationships Really Work?

Can long-distance relationships really work? This is a question that I receive often by clients who’ve just started dating someone or who want to date someone who lives far away, but they’re hesitant to do so for fear that it just won’t work out. So while long-distance relationships can work, they do require extra effort to address the distance and to maintain connection, intimacy, and trust.

This connection is one of the most important aspects for making long-distance relationships successful, along with honesty and good communication as well. Long-distance relationships require mutual respect, trust, and dedication to the relationship and making the relationship work because relationships are difficult as it is, but then to add distance and other barriers, it can make it more challenging to balance.  So having both partners put forth the effort to make a long-distance relationship work, is crucial.

Here are some tips to maintaining connection:

1: Daily chitchat: 

Be sure to talk on the phone often and be open about the day to day activities that you’re involved in. When someone is not near you, it can be hard to know exactly what’s going on with them. So describe your day and discuss the little things. They can get overlooked, but this can help couples feel connected to one another and as though they are right there next to the other one. Talk about everyday things to feel as though you are right there in each other’s lives.

2: Plan distant date nights: 

So just as though you were in person, you should continue and maintain courtship, you may just have to get a bit more creative with it. So plan some activities that you can do together on video. So perhaps you both pick up take-out from a favorite restaurant to where you are locally and then share dinner together while on FaceTime or Skype. You could order your partner a meal to be delivered or watch a movie together or separately and then talk about it while on video. Seeing each other through video can be helpful to maintain that “physical” connection since you can actually see the person versus talking over the phone.

3: Make sweet gestures: 

This means that you could send each other care packages that include some of your partner’s favorite things or send a sweet card or love letter. There is something very sweet and romantic about getting a handwritten card or letter that’s a surprise from your loved one. Also, random text messages to express your love and appreciation for your partner can keep that romance alive.

4: Spend time together: 

So for many, this will be impossible or very difficult to do or even afford, but if you can, be sure to spend some time together. Spending time in person is essential to beating the challenge of distance so plan trips to visit one another in your location or you could even plan to meet somewhere new. This can help boost the physical intimacy of the relationship and it gives both partners something to look forward to! 

5: Maintain sexual intimacy: 

Having physical contact is important in relationships. The research shows us that physical touch, like hugging, kissing, handholding and sex can boost neurotransmitters and hormones, such as oxytocin that boost our feelings of being in love. While it may be impossible to physically touch while you are at a distant, you have to come up with some creative ideas to keep that passion, romance, and sexual tension alive in your relationship. This may be romantic ideas over the phone or video or it could be discussing intimate ideas for your next visit in person together.

I hope you find these tips helpful to maintaining connection in your relationship.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals or couples. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP ON RELATIONSHIPS:

If you’d like to read more on relationship topics and hear tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is a free, but private and closed online support group that is listed under the Loving Roots Project Facebook page. The group is facilitated by Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Coach and provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

View fullsize

Coping With Insecurities in a Relationship

View fullsize

10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

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Ways to Boost Intimacy in Your Relationship

Intimacy is a key element to maintaining a healthy relationship, just like trust and communication. Like other relationship components, we can often forget or overlook the importance of maintaining these aspects in our relationship. They do take work and effort. So intimacy should go beyond a special holiday or only date nights, it’s important to keep intimacy alive and well in your relationship all of the time. And remember, physical intimacy is more than just sex, it also includes other physical affection like touching, hand-holding, kissing, or even hugging.  These types of gestures stimulate a physiological reaction in the brain and body. It increases things like oxytocin and dopamine, which make us feel good, safe and loved.

The research shows us that these chemical and hormonal responses in the brain can produce feelings of love. Oxytocin, for example, is stimulated when a mother nurses her baby, which again produces feelings of love, safety, and connection. So it’s easy to see how the brain has an automatic response to physical touch that can increase our feelings of love toward our partners.

5 Quick TIPS to boost intimacy in your relationship:

1. Hug & kiss often:

So this could be something as simple as a daily hug or kiss when you greet or say goodbye to your partner. Or it could be an unexpected or spontaneous kiss when your partner is least expecting it. So this may sound simple, but a kiss or hug can be quite meaningful especially when it’s done with positive intention. 

2. Hug longer: 

While a quick embrace is great, try hugging for just a little bit longer. A longer embrace can work to increase that physiological response. The simple act of hugging has been shown to decrease the stress hormone cortisol and also increase oxytocin, which again can increase feelings of love. 

3. Try some sweet gestures: 

Writing little notes to your partner, giving compliments or small gifts. When partners show each other small tokens of appreciation and thoughtfulness, this can also increase feelings of connection and feeling cared about.

4. Date nights:

Make sure that you keep courting in your relationship. Dating is one of the most important intimacy building activities that we can do because it allows us private time with our partner and allows physical touch and intimacy. 

5. Sex: 

Put in the effort toward your sexual relationship. This means taking the time, making effort, changing up routines, if necessary, and changing up who initiates sex. Many couples can get stuck into a routine or simply not put forth effort and time to maintain their sexual relationship. So be sure to remember the things that attract you to your partner and maintain the sexual intimacy and bond in your relationship.

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP ON RELATIONSHIPS:

If you’d like to read more on relationship topics and hear tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is a free, but private and closed online support group that is listed under the Loving Roots Project Facebook page. The group is facilitated by Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Coach and provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

View fullsize

Coping With Insecurities in a Relationship

View fullsize

10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

Can Being Kind Increase Happiness?

Kindness is often a disregarded and undervalued trait. While kindness can be an undervalued trait, it is important to note that true acts of kindness take courage and strength as well as demonstrate a great deal of interpersonal skill. It carries a great deal of importance in our lives, however. Kindness is simply the act of being good, friendly, and compassionate toward other people. It also encompasses an element of being altruistic, which means that you are being kind to others without the expectation of something in return. 

A few interesting facts about kindness:

Kindness can actually be good for you!

It can be helpful to both our physical and mental health. It’s been shown that even witnessing acts of kindness can produce oxytocin, which is often called the “love hormone.” Oxytocin helps to increase our optimism, confidence and even lower blood pressure. Kindness can also stimulate the production of serotonin, which can help you to feel happy. There was a research study done in Japan that showed that happy people were kinder than people who were not happy. So there really is a connection between our own happiness and being kinder to others.

Kindness has been shown to:

• Help us to live longer 

• Reduce stress

• Help get rid of negative feelings

• Increases optimism

• Lowers blood pressure

• Increases happiness
  

Kindness is contagious! 

After a person witnesses an act of kindness, they are more likely to engage in a good deed and “pay it forward.” Meaning that they are more likely to be kind to other people. Therefore, kindness is contagious and tends to spread.

To start living a kinder & happier life, here are some tips:

1. Start with being kind to yourself:

Remember that the happier you are, the more kind you will be to others. So first start with treating yourself in a kind matter. Many people find they can be critical of themselves or engage in negative self-talk. This includes that little voice in your head that may tell you that you can’t do something or that you aren’t good enough. Catch this negative self-talk and shoot it down. Engage in positive affirmations about yourself and your life. This will increase your overall positivity. Another activity that can help you begin to be kind to yourself is to make a list of your positive qualities and strengths. We can sometimes forget all of the great qualities that we possess. 

2. Be more present and mindful:

When you live in the moment, you’ll be more likely to notice people around you and see opportunities where you can be kind to others. Being more in tune with the present moment will allow you to view moments of kindness that may be happening around you that you would have otherwise not noticed. Research shows us that the witnessing of kindness can help us to feel more positive and optimistic as well as increase the likelihood that we will spread that kindness. The practice of mindfulness can also ease your daily stressors and help you to be more aware of your critical inside voice and therefore, increase the kindness toward yourself. 

3. Just start:

Do a small random act of kindness today or even this week. You can express gratitude to someone, hold the door open for a random stranger, or pay a compliment to a friend. It’s a small step toward a much bigger cause. Kindness is such an important concept for us on a personal level, for people around us, in our communities and neighborhoods and for all humans.

So remember - spread kindness today!

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Resources:

https://www.kindness.org

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-nourishment/201711/why-random-acts-kindness-matter-your-wellbeing

https://www.dartmouth.edu/wellness/emotional/rakhealthfacts.pdf

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & videos:

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View fullsize

Steps to Forgiveness

View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Ways Pets Can Boost Your Mental Health

View fullsize

How Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day

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Maintaining a Healthy Sense of Self in a Relationship

Maintaining self in a relationship is an important aspect of happiness within yourself and your marriage. Keeping a sense of self is crucial to your own empowerment, self-worth, independence, happiness and the satisfaction in your relationship. 

Holding onto yourself while in a partnership means maintaining your own identity as well as taking care of yourself, your own needs and your own goals. This is an important component of self-care. This is something that can actually lead to relationship happiness as well.

It’s much more common that when there are challenges in a relationship, people focus solely on repairing the issues between the two people and while this is extremely important and you won’t be able to resolve relationship conflict without doing that, people often forget that each party also needs focus. It’s crucial that each person is working on themselves. Remember: a healthy relationship cannot exist without 2 healthy people. Actually working on yourself is a critical component to relationship betterment.

components of maintaining SELF while in a relationship:

Take time for you:

Taking care of yourself is one of the most essential parts of being a healthy person. So be sure that you are making it a priority to take care of yourself. Your own self-care means taking into account your physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. Again, people tend to focus on the wellbeing of their relationship rather than also putting emphasis on their own wellbeing.

Maintain your own identity & interests:

People often have a misconception that they need to spend all their free time with their partner and share all of the same interests. While shared interests can be exciting and make the relationship fun because you get to enjoy things together, it is also okay to have some differences and separate interests and activities. So be sure that you are holding true to you and your own identity even while you are in a relationship. And have some separate activities or time with friends that are just for you. 

Surround yourself with healthy people:

Many people can become negatively influenced by unhealthy people in their life, so be sure that you surround yourself with positive and supportive friends and family. This means reducing drama and negativity that’s around you. Find people to add to your support network who lift you up and care for you.

Be a loving person to yourself, your partner, and others: 

It’s been known that the more positive energy you put out in the world, the more you will also receive. So focus on being the best version of yourself that you can be and treat others with kindness and compassion. This especially includes your partner. When you are in a relationship, focus on being a good partner yourself and you will likely experience reciprocity.

Find balance: 

Maintaining a good balance in your life means juggling your self-identity, your relationship, your work, your physical health, your friends, etc. This means if you have gotten out of balance with something in your life, such as your health, or your friendships, then work to get these things back in balance. When things are out of balance, that can impact the health of our relationship as well.  

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JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP ON RELATIONSHIPS:

If you’d like to read more on relationship topics and hear tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is a free, but private and closed online support group that is listed under the Loving Roots Project Facebook page. The group is facilitated by Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Coach and provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals or couples. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

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Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

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5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

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Coping With Insecurities in a Relationship

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10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

A Holistic Approach to Mind-Body Wellness

There is a strong connection between the mind and the body. When you’re working on your own personal development, it’s essential that you address both your physical health needs and your mental health needs. When it comes to health and wellness, it is no wonder when we’re not well physically it impacts us emotionally and when we’re not feeling well mentally this impacts our physical health. This means that your mindset, attitude, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, your emotional state; they all directly impact your physical health and vice versa.

Research shows that mind-body therapies such as relaxation, hypnosis, visual imagery, meditation, biofeedback, even cognitive-behavioral therapy have all been helpful at managing certain physical illnesses such as arthritis and pain management. These studies indicate that mind-body focused activities can actually help to improve psychological functioning, they can reduce the symptoms of disease and increase one’s overall quality of life.

Nutrition has also been seen as having a large role in mental health and cognitive functioning. There is quite a bit of research that shows the brain-gut connection; therefore, maintaining a healthy gut with good foods can help to promote positive mental health and cognitive function. Nutrition can directly impact things such as memory, processing speed, mood (depression and anxiety) as well as physical energy and mental focus and attention.

What is having a holistic approach to wellness?

A holistic view takes into account all of our bodily systems working together to optimize our functioning. It means that we believe further in the relationship of all of the systems being interrelated and impacting one another. For example, nutrition impacting the brain, mental health impacting physical health or more specifically depression impacting pain management.

Having a holistic view is critical as views us as a whole being and takes into account all parts of our life: our physical body, our emotional wellbeing, our mental health, cognition, and spiritual being. This also goes to show how important things like nutrition are for both our physical and mental health. This mind-body and holistic view means taking care of all aspects of yourself and making good healthy decisions from a well-rounded perspective.

Activities to Boost Mind-Body Wellness:

• Make healthy nutrition food choices

• Pray, meditate, pause or breathe

• Engage in stress management

• Be thankful, engage in a gratitude practice

• Exercise your body

• Walk or get outdoors and enjoy

• Deepen your connections with others

• Foster friendships

• Positive thinking

• Production with work

• Active in hobbies and activities for enjoyment

• Get good sleep

• Focus on self-love, happiness, and greater self-esteem

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & videos:

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View fullsize

Steps to Forgiveness

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10 Tips for Couples

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Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

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5 Ways Pets Can Boost Your Mental Health

View fullsize

How Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day

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5 Tips for Mindful Eating

We know how important mindfulness can be in our daily lives and that it provides many wonderful benefits, but how about being mindful at mealtime? Yes, you guessed it, being mindful while eating has powerful benefits! This is especially true for a person who may be experiencing and struggling with unhealthy eating patterns, such as mindlessly overeating or eating unhealthy foods. 

The idea of mindfulness is being fully present and in the moment with your thoughts, sights, sounds, and experience. Therefore, mindful eating means being fully in tune with your eating experience, including being aware of the food you are eating, the taste, texture, flavor, and the experience while also paying close attention to your feelings and emotional state. This allows us to slow down while eating, be fully aware of the present moment with ourselves and the food we are putting into our bodies as well have a better overall relationship with food. 

A mindful eating practice can help with particular challenges, such as binge eating or overeating and it can also help anyone wanting to begin a more healthful eating habit. By slowing down and being more mindful while eating, this reduces overeating and creates more awareness of healthy eating.

Here are a few strategies to get you started with a mindful eating practice.

5 Tips for Mindful Eating:

1. Take the time: 

We live in a fast-paced and stressful culture and tend to rush through tasks during the day. One of those tasks is eating and mealtime, which is especially true during the busy workday. Most people will rush through their mealtime and not pay attention to what they are eating, how fast or how they are feeling. This type of situation often encourages people to eat more rapidly, rather than slowing down and actually enjoying their meal in the moment. This can encourage overeating since you are mindlessly rushing through so quickly that your brain and stomach do not have time to sufficiently communicate when you are full. 

Another common example of not taking the time to eat is snacking on the go or in front of the television. Again, these are situations that can encourage overeating as well as not being fully present in the moment. I know it can be difficult to always sit down for a meal, but when you can, try it! This is an important step to slowing down, being more aware of what you are doing in the moment and engaging in more mindful eating.

2. Breathe beforehand: 

Before you even begin to take a bite of your meal, sit still, and just breathe. This could be 5 deep breathes to slow yourself down and be fully present with the activity. By focusing on breath, this allows you to better connect to the moment. Remember mindfulness is about being fully aware of the present moment and in tune with how you are feeling. So take that time to take 5 deep breaths before beginning to eat and get yourself in a calm, connected, and mindful state.

3. Slow down: 

Once you start eating, slow down. We often become rushed and want to speed through the experience, which can actually increase overindulgence and the amount of food that we are taking in. Slow down and savor each bite. Similar to the breathing exercise before you began eating, you also want to slow down between bites and while chewing. You could even try taking a few deep breathes in between bites to really slow down take notice of your experience. During this time, be sure to connect to how you are feeling and everything that is happening in the moment.

4. Enjoy & savor: 

During this step, it’s important that you are aware of the moment and experience and actually enjoy the food that you are eating. Be sure to really take time to notice everything your current experience. It’s important to really savor each bite of food. This means that you will observe what the food looks like on your plate, take note of the colors, the shape, and size. Also, notice if the food has any smell and sit for a moment as you breathe them in. Then as you eat your meal, really savor the flavors in each bite. Notice how the food tastes, what flavors you taste, what the texture is like in your mouth and how the food feels as you eat. This step will allow you to be very aware, present and mindful of the food you are eating, which really encourages a more healthy eating pattern. 

5. Repeat: 

Like most new activities, it takes continued practice to really get the hang of it. Repeat this exercise many times until it becomes more of a habit during your mealtime routine. When you are beginning a new habit, it is easy to fall back into your same old routine. It really does take time, effort and practice. So try these techniques often and remember that if you get off track for a few days, that is completely normal. The key here is to get back on a healthy and more mindful path. It will take work and practice, but you are worth it.

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Online Mindful Eating Class

For more information on mindful eating, check out our self-guided online class: Mindful Eating: A Healthy Relationship With Food. This class provides a workbook complete with information on emotional eating, mindful eating tips and homework assignments to guide you through the material as well as an hour and half of video series content. The class also comes with a guided mindful eating exercise.

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & videos:

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View fullsize

Steps to Forgiveness

View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Ways Pets Can Boost Your Mental Health

View fullsize

How Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day

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Maintaining Connection After Having a Baby

Having children can change the dynamics in our relationships and in our family structure. It can be a difficult adjustment period for many and often the challenges of caring for a child can have a direct impact on the intimacy levels in marriage. Just finding a few moments alone with your partner can be incredibly difficult and often when we have those moments, that’s when we need to get errands done, take a shower, or the many other million things on our list. Sitting down to just focus on our partner and talk is not usually the highest on our priority list, but it should be! Maintaining relationship and marital satisfaction is key to also having a happy family structure. Relationships take work and it really requires both parties to put in the effort, especially after having children. 

5 Tips to Maintaining a Strong Relationship After Having a Baby:

Alter Expectations: 

Give yourself and your expectations a break during this adjustment period. Having a baby and going through the transition of a changing family is difficult. It’s important that you do not set your expectations too high with how things “should be” in your love life or sex life, after having a child. This is a period when you should remain as flexible in your expectations as possible. So many things can change and be different from what we expected. If we are too focused on forcing them to be a certain way, we will inevitably be disappointed and unhappy. 

Keep Up With Strong Communication:

Talking is critical in a relationship and especially during the postpartum period. When a couple is going through the transition of bringing a new baby into the home, it’s important that they are talking along the way about how they are feeling and what needs they may have. For example, there can often be challenges with care-taking of a newborn and checking-in regularly with your partner is very important to maintain clear expectations and understanding during this time. One of the common challenges during adjusting to life with a baby is that many partners feel they are giving 80% of the work and care while their partner is only giving 20. Interestingly, your partner often feels the same way, which creates a disconnect and sometimes anger and resentment. Therefore, strong communication about how you are feeling is very important during this time as well as thoroughly discussing how to divvy up chores and duties around the house so that everyone feels comfortable with their role.

Outside of care-taking of an infant, communication is also key in maintaining intimacy and talking about your relationship and sexual needs. It’s important that couples are also talking about things outside of just the baby. The postpartum period can feel that life revolves around only the baby and often, it does, but it’s important if you are wanting to maintain a healthy and well-connected relationship, that you are embracing other factors in your relationship as well. Keep lines of communication open and strong about all aspects of your lives. 

Feel Good About You & Practice Self-Care:

After a baby, so many things can change, including our bodies, hormones and body image, especially for the partner who has given birth. It can be difficult to feel sexy in your own skin. Even for partners who haven’t physically given birth, just the shift in relationship dynamics and sometimes the lack of intimacy and sex can impact self-esteem and how people view themselves and their relationship. 

Practicing self-care is critical to reducing stress during the postpartum period as well as improving self-esteem, which both of these factors play a direct role in our relationship and satisfaction. It can be a challenge to balance infant care-taking with self-care and relationship work. Remember that a simple self-care practice is not necessarily something that is lengthy and time-consuming. You can do a quick activity in order to benefit yourself and your self-esteem with just a few minutes each day. While finding a few moments of free time each day is difficult with a child, just understand the importance of this activity to your ability to be a good parent and a good partner in your marriage. It’s definitely worth the effort. 

Embrace Changes in Your Sex Life:

Having a baby does not have to completely destroy your sex life. It may drastically change it, but with a little work, you can still have a very successful intimate and romantic connection with your partner. As we covered in the first tip, review and adjust your expectations. Many couples want their sex life to return to their pre-baby days and it just might not be possible, so it’s important to explore new ways to make intimacy work for you. It’s important to remember that after having a baby, especially for the new mother, hormones are still adjusting in the body and sexual desire may be lower. Also, as with a self-care practice, the postpartum period can impact one’s self-esteem and body image; therefore, having an impact on their sexual desire. So be sure to work on your own self-care and give yourself some time for your body and hormones to readjust. 

Many couples want the spontaneity in their sex life and while that can be very important, the reality is, it may not be possible with small children in your home. Life is hard after a baby and things might not be as smooth. So first, focus on bringing back the intimacy in any way that you can, even if it is scheduled. Later, you can work on spontaneity. This may include scheduling times to have sex with your partner that are during nap times for the baby or it might be a quickie at lunchtime when you used to take more time together in the evening. Your sex life may appear differently after having a baby, but it doesn’t have to completely go away. Find alternatives that work for you and your partner. 

Make Time for Intimacy:

While your sex life is essential in your relationship, just being intimate, close and well-connected is extremely important. Intimacy may include sex, but it doesn’t always. Sometimes it is just holding your partner’s hand and feeling close to them. So after a baby, make time to be emotionally present with your partner. Take the time to actually be engaged and connected to one another. It’s a time you can turn off the tv, put off the chores for 20 minutes and spend time actually talking to one another. 

When a couple is in the transition period of having a new baby, they can often focus on the long list of things that need to get done around the house or simply taking a much-needed nap when they get a moment alone. While you must also do those things (remember how important self-care is also), you must also find balance, even a few minutes every week, to just connect and check-in with your partner. Putting forth this effort into your relationship leads to a stronger connection and higher marital satisfaction.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals or couples. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS:

If you’d like to read more on relationship topics and hear tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is a free, but private and closed online support group that is listed under the Loving Roots Project Facebook page. The group is facilitated by Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Coach and provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & videos:

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View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

View fullsize

Coping With Insecurities in a Relationship

View fullsize

10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

5 Ways Pets Can Boost Your Mental Health

If you are a “pet person” then it will come as no surprise that having pets can really be beneficial and happiness to our lives. Pets are very common in our lives. An estimated 68% of U.S. households have pets and 95% of those pet owners consider their pet a part of their family, which indicates the strong bond that pets create. Research shows us that pets can add a number of helpful elements to our lives, both physically and mentally.

For this reason, pets are often used as service animals or emotional support animals for a variety of disabilities and illnesses. Not only are certain animals capable of being trained to assist with physical and mobility needs, but many animals are highly in tune to how we are feeling and our emotional state, which means they also greatly assist with emotional and mental health needs.

Mental Health Benefits of Owning Pets: 

1. Meaning: 

Pet ownership can add so much meaning and fulfillment to our lives. They give us responsibility and something to care for. Many families add pets to their lives for the purpose of teaching responsibility to children and other family members. Pets can add so much meaning to our lives as well as prompt us to participate in pet driven activities, which can be very positive. Some of these activities may include daily walks, trips to the dog park or other outdoor activities such as hiking and visits to the park. Therefore, pets can motivate us to engage in positive physical activities outdoors as well as provide social opportunities with other pet owners.

2. Companionship: 

Pets can help to combat loneliness. Surprisingly, just the presence of having a pet nearby can decrease loneliness and helps to make us feel that someone or something is close by. This presence can help people feel less lonely in general. Also, along with meaning, pets can get us outdoors, active and engaged, which obviously reduces feelings of loneliness and adds more opportunities for social experiences. 

3. Loyalty: 

Similar to companionship, pets also bring loyalty. Many people may have fears related to trusting another human being because they are scared of being rejected, hurt or even abandoned. Pets are loyal companions who want to spend their time right by our side, which can be very helpful for someone who maybe struggling with these issues. Just in general, having that loyal companion can add more fulfillment and a sense of love to our lives.  

4. Emotional Awareness: 

Pets are very in tune and sensitive to our feelings. Often, pets can sense when we are feeling down or bad and they can curl up right next to us to offer support. This ability that pets naturally have, is similar to mindfulness. Pets are very present in the moment and put their full attention to you in the present moment. This experience can be very helpful to their human counterpart by teaching us to also be mindful, in the moment as well as reduce stress and be more in tune to our emotional state. Studies have shown that pets can increase our serotonin levels, which can help ward off depression and improve overall mood. For this reason, pets are commonly used for mental health and emotional support. 

5. Relaxation: 

Research shows us that the simple act of petting an animal can be meditative and relaxing. This is one of the reasons many service animals are taken into hospital units to provide a calm experience for the patient that will promote positive emotional and mental health as well as physical healing. Specifically, the various studies on stress reduction and pet ownership show us that this lower stress can lead to a healthier heart. The results showed lower rates of heart disease and lower blood pressure. Also, the simple tactile act of petting your cat or dog can increase a relaxation hormone and lower the stress hormone cortisol, which lowers overall stress levels and increases relaxation.

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & videos:

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View fullsize

Steps to Forgiveness

View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Ways Pets Can Boost Your Mental Health

View fullsize

How Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day

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Will Anxiety Ever Get Better? Helpful Tips for Coping

There are times when it feels that anxiety will never get better. It’s worrisome, exhausting and overwhelming. But yes, anxiety is a very treatable disorder and with work and dedication to reduce the symptoms and implement coping skills, it can get better.

Anxiety disorder is the most common mental health condition in the United States with nearly 40 million adults experiencing it at some point in their life. Anxiety can impact people differently and have a wide variety of symptoms. Usually, the symptoms impact our cognitive, emotional, mental and physical wellbeing. Because the symptoms impact such a variety of areas, the coping skills should also target these different areas. 

Read more below about the common symptoms and some tips for coping.

Symptoms of Anxiety:

• Feeling restless or nervous

• Easily fatigued & feeling overwhelmed

• Having trouble sleeping

• Feeling irritable & restless

• Impact memory & judgment

• Increased muscle tension or headaches

• Difficulty controlling worry

• Increased sweating & trembling

• Difficulty concentrating

• Having trouble making decisions

• Increases self-doubt

Tips for Coping: 

Positive Thinking:

Altering your mindset can be a key factor in managing anxiety. In fact, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the most effective treatment strategies in addressing and reducing anxiety. CBT aims to address the role of one’s cognitions and thoughts with how that is impairing their behavior and emotional state. CBT is quite effective in helping people to alter and adjust their negative thoughts while replacing them with more positive thinking. The power of positive thinking has had extensive research showing its effectiveness and usefulness when implemented during challenging times. So when you notice yourself worrying or feeling anxious, try your best to force positive thoughts, such as saying positive affirmations to yourself or even thinking of something in which you are grateful. These are small exercises that can actually have a large impact in reducing overall anxiety.

Mindfulness Meditation: 

Mindfulness can help to calm the mind and this is especially important when one is experiencing anxiety, stress, and high levels of worry. Even taking a few moments each day to just breathe can be extremely helpful. The idea of meditation and mindfulness means that we are creating a safe space for ourselves to engage in a calming experience where we will be keenly aware of our body, mind, and physical space. There are many mindfulness exercises that will guide you through practicing a meditation. You can try this for a few moments each day or even on a weekly basis.

Exercise:

There is extensive research on the mental and emotional benefits of physical activity. When people are experiencing high stress or anxiety, they can often forget the importance of making time for exercise. It is this activity that can actually help to reduce stress and anxiety so it is therefore very important. Physical exercise boosts certain neurotransmitters, such as serotonin and other endorphins, which can again, help us to manage our mood and emotional state. You can start small and set daily goals, such as a 20-minute walk in your neighborhood. Any physical activity can help in boosting your mood so get out and try a little exercise to improve your emotional wellbeing. 

Healthy Nutrition:

Eating healthy foods is an important aspect to maintaining both good physical and mental health. Healthy nutrition, just as exercise, plays a direct role in our mind-body functioning. People often notice if they eat more processed, high sugar or junk foods, they feel more sluggish, have difficulty thinking clearly and it often impacts their mood. Be sure to focus on maintaining a healthy diet during times of stress as this actually helps in reducing and controlling our mental health symptoms. Also, it’s important to limit alcohol and caffeine as both of these substances can play a direct role in feelings of anxiety. Alcohol, in particular, can work to numb the negative feelings; however, when you are not drinking alcohol, the feelings then return, which can ultimately worsen your situation.

Support System: 

Having a strong support system is an important aspect of managing anxiety symptoms. Support systems can be a variety of people, such as friends, family, sports clubs, therapy groups or even community-based groups. Depending on the situation, it can be helpful to talk to others about what you’re experiencing. If talking to your friends or family has not been helpful or if you are feeling that they may not understand, then perhaps joining support groups with individuals who are experiencing similar situations can be helpful. Support groups can provide a distraction, positive interaction, companionship or other general support needed during a difficult time. 

Master your Time: 

Time management is a critical skill in managing anxiety. This is because if we take on too many tasks or procrastinate and wait until the very last minute, this creates additional stress and contributes to an anxiety-provoking situation. By managing your time wisely and not waiting until the last minute or taking on too many projects, you can reduce the overall anxiety of situations.

Learn to say “no:”

Setting appropriate boundaries and not taking on too many tasks as discussed with time management, can be helpful in learning how to control your anxiety levels. Many people can get caught up in the worry and concern about others, which can lead them to have an increase in their own anxiety. It’s important to realize that by taking on other people’s worry, you ultimately increase your own. So if you are experiencing high levels of anxiety, stress, and worry, try setting better boundaries and say “no” when you need to in order to reduce tasks. 

Get a good night’s sleep:

Getting adequate sleep is actually crucial for both our physical and mental health. People can often find themselves in a negative cycle where worry and anxiety are keeping them awake at night and they find it hard to fall or stay asleep. However, it is also this experience of not getting enough sleep that will actually worsen the anxiety; therefore, adequate sleep is essential. 

There are a few strategies that can assist a positive bedtime routine and better sleep:

    Wind down before bed: For many, spending the last 30 minutes to an hour before bed, to wind down with calming activities can help them sleep better. This means reducing or completely eliminating over-stimulating activities such as watching tv, your phone or exercise. Calming activities may include lighting candles in your house to reduce bright lights, read a book, soak in a hot bath or shower, meditate or use aromatherapy.

    Write in a journal: Writing down your thoughts before bed can be helpful in reducing anxiety and worry that you might experience during the night. People often find that they are focused on their thoughts while trying to go to sleep or something worrisome wakes them in the night. By keeping a journal on your nightstand, you can write down some of these thoughts and attempt to get them out of your mind to create better sleep.

    Speak to your healthcare provider. Lastly, if you have attempted several strategies, repeatedly overtime and still feel that you are unable to get adequate sleep, then talk to your doctor as there may be physical ailments that are contributing to insomnia or perhaps a sleep aid or medication may be appropriate. 

Unplug Regularly:

It’s important that we take time away from technology on a regular basis. This doesn’t have to be something too complicated either. It could be something as simple as putting away your cell phone and turning off your ringer during dinner with your family or something bigger, such as a tech-free weekend. If you work in a job where you are on-call and need to be by your phone, and then schedule time away from tech when it’s your break from on-call. Make this a commitment that will work for you. Staying overly connected to technology, social media, email, and our phones do not give our minds time to actually take a mental break. It keeps us connected, distracted and stressed.

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Life in Balance: Mindfulness & Stress Management Program

For more information and strategies for reducing stress and anxiety, check out our online Mindfulness & Stress Management program. This is an 8-module program that covers: what stress and worry are, the negative impacts of stress, how to live life in better balance, the benefits of calming, strategies to reduce stress, mindfulness, cognitive restructuring and how to establish healthy habits. The program purchase includes a corresponding workbook, at-home assignments, and video series content featuring Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, psychologist & founder of the Loving Roots Project.

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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10 Tips for Military Families Coping with the Emotional Stress of PCS

Moving is stressful. This is especially true in the military community as we tend to move often! On average, a military family moves every three years, about 4 times the amount of civilian families. On a scale of the most stressful life events that we can endure, moving comes in as the third most difficult and stressful experience. So given the frequency of moves and high stress, it comes as no surprise that military families have extra challenges for which they have to cope and learn how to manage. 

Coping with any change is challenging, but the frequent moving and changes that the military family endures are quite difficult. While there are many benefits to the adventures of moving and having new experiences, there are also struggles that can take an emotional toll. Here are some tips to help you cope with the emotional stress of moving and the upcoming PCS season.

10 Tips for Coping:

1. Engage in Self-Care: 

This is probably one of the most important aspects of coping with any sort of challenge. Engaging in self-care and using your coping strategies can make all the difference. A positive self-care routine includes things such as good nutrition, getting adequate sleep, staying physically active, and maintaining positive mental and emotional health. Coping strategies can include incorporating activities into your daily or weekly routine such as journaling, taking a relaxing bath, listening to music, or even taking a quick walk. The idea is that you should regularly engage in coping strategies that help you best manage your self-care and this is especially true during a move or other stressful period.

2. Process Your Feelings:

One of the most important parts of coping with emotional challenges is to be present and mindful of your feelings. Often when people experience high stress or challenging situations, they can try and stifle their feelings or pretend they do not exist. This can actually worsen the situation and create deeper and more difficult emotions. So during the PCS season, be sure to be open, honest and present with how you are feeling. Talk to your friends and family or even keep a journal to write about your experiences. The military community is a strong one, but we can and should explore our feelings as this helps create better healing and processing emotions in a healthy manner. 

3. Lean on Your Support Network: 

Be sure to share with family and friends how challenging this time can be and ask for some support. It is common that civilian family and friends may not fully grasp the life of a military family, but it can be important to lean on family and friends when you need it. So try explaining a bit to others what you’re going through. Also, leaning on your military support network can be essential. The military community knows all too well the difficulties that are faced with constant changes and unique challenges that most civilian families do not experience. So reach out to your military friends as they can be some of the best support during these times. 

4. Look at The Positive: 

While this may seem impossible at times, think of the new opportunities and advantages to your new location. Perhaps you’ll be living a closer distance to extended family or it will be a city that’s more affordable. Or if you aren’t looking forward to your new location or feel there’s not much to do, maybe you use this duty station as a time to do more traveling or stay home and work on some personal or home projects that you’ve been intending the accomplish or find a new and exciting hobby that you’ve always wanted to try. Having a change in one’s mindset and altering your perspective can actually better help you to move through a difficult or dreaded situation so try your best to find the positive. One activity that can promote this positive mindset is focusing on something that you are grateful for and engaging in a regular gratitude practice. By forcing yourself to find something that you are grateful for, it can really help alter your overall mindset to something more positive.

5. Remember Why:

Sometimes it helps to focus on the bigger picture of exactly why you are doing this, whether that is dedication to your spouse, family or this country. We all make sacrifices in our lives, but when we really understand the importance or feel passionate about the reasoning, it can feel much less like a sacrifice and more like a situation that you can successfully push through. So think about your reasoning and why it’s important to you. Perhaps this is a decision that was best for your family and this gives you, your spouse or your children advantages. Reflecting on whatever your reasoning may be, can help to put your mindset in a space that is again about pushing through for the cause versus focusing on the sacrifice.

6. Embrace Your New Community:

We can often move to a new environment and feel negative about the move, all of the change, or hesitant in embracing our new community. This can cause us to shut down and not be responsive to the new location. Be sure to be open to your new community and attempt to embrace it and get to know others. This can be a scary step as it requires us to be open and vulnerable, but this is also a key in handling an emotionally tough situation. This is also a key part of having the right mindset in order to best cope with a stressful situation. Join spouse networking groups, meet your neighbors, attend events with coworkers, and just get out there and meet new friends in your community. There are various Facebook groups, Meetups, community events or activities to try or get involved in. This can also demonstrate good modeling for your children as they may also be struggling with meeting new people and getting to know their new community. By showing that you, as the role model and parent, can put yourself out there, in a vulnerable way and be brave and courageous, they can also.

7. Think of The Ease of Connection: 

We can stay connected with friends and family via social media and other means so much easier than ever before. Be sure to take advantage of all of the opportunities to stay connected online with sharing photos or talking to friends and family through FaceTime, Skype, Google Hangouts or other online means. Today’s technology allows for a better opportunity to stay well connected with people all over the world, which is especially important if your new move is OCONUS. So be sure to remember and work on changing your mindset again, if you are feeling lonely, sad or stress regarding your move, you can connect with people from all over at any time!

8. Take Advantage of The Opportunity: 

One big advantage of moving often is that we get to learn about so many new and different places to live. In our family, we have really taken advantage of exploring the new states or regions in which we live. This is especially true if we’ve never lived there before. We take advantage of quick weekend trips to explore areas outside of our new city. It allows us to learn new things in the state and perhaps get to know an area that we may never live again. So again, focusing on altering your mindset to find positive opportunities to make the best of your situation.

9. Make the Move More Fun for the Entire Family:

While moving is absolutely stressful, try to focus on making the move more fun! One example could be to make the PCS a site-seeing trip across the country while you drive to your next destination. This could hopefully be a fun family vacation that’s worth remembering. This also lowers the stress for children, which is really important. Your kids have the opportunity to remember a road trip vacation that was fun versus the stress and tension of a move. The point is to ease the emotional stress of PCSing versus staying focused only on the challenges. The process can actually have some perks and create some fun memories for families! 

10. Use Your Resources: 

The military community is loaded with resources to help with the stress of PCSing. Although this particular blog doesn’t focus on the actual details of moving, there are many wonderful blogs written by military spouses and others that give you quick tips to packing with ease, how to work with TMO, and also several PCS checklists that help you to organize and better manage the move. Some other resources include Military One Source, Family Readiness or Military Family Resource Center as well as local base Spouse Groups that all have useful information. 

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support or interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples and a 3-way call option is available for couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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ONLINE STRESS MANAGEMENT CLASS

Life in Balance: Stress Management & Mindfulness program is an 8-module online class to help you better cope with stress and anxiety, as well as learn strategies for better balance and incorporate mindfulness. This program is a self-guided virtual class that you can complete at your own pace. Click here for more information.

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Resource Links:

Military One Source:

https://www.militaryonesource.mil/moving-housing/moving/pcs

Milspouse Fest: The Colossal List of PCS Resources & Advice from Military Spouses:

https://milspousefest.com/colossal-list-pcs-resources-advice-inspiration-military-spouses/

Military.com Articles:

https://www.military.com/money/pcs-dity-move

Military Spouse: 7 Ways Military Spouses Can Hack a PCS Move:

https://www.militaryspouse.com/military-life/pcs/7-ways-military-spouses-can-hack-a-pcs-move/

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach, Military Spouse & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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How Practicing Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day

When things are going well in life, it can be easy to find things we are grateful for, but when times are tough, it can feel daunting to find hope or have any optimism. The challenge of forcing yourself to find something positive during a very trying time can actually be a wonderful cognitive task that can help reduce the negative.  

Research has shown that by practicing gratitude, we can actually uplift mood, reduce negative thinking, and increase happiness. Practicing gratitude can have many benefits for our mind-body wellness. The studies have also shown that a regular gratitude practice can boost sleep, improve physical health, and help build stronger immune systems. 

5 Gratitude-Expressing Activities That Help Ease a Bad Day:

1. Write in a gratitude journal:

This is probably one of the most common gratitude practice examples. It involves simply having a journal that you can write in on a daily basis to express things you are grateful for. When we are having a challenging or difficult day, it can seem impossible to find something positive; however, when we force ourselves into positive thinking it can have a profound impact in a beneficial way. Forcing yourself to look through your pain can be powerful.

2. Make a gratitude box:

This involves less writing than a gratitude journal and it can simply be a random box, jar or other household items that you can use to store brief slips of paper where you write down something that you are thankful for during that day. These small statements can be something jotted down on a post-it note and placed in the box and perhaps it expresses how you are feeling with your struggles that day like “this is horrible, but I will get through it."

3. Say it out loud: 

Express your gratitude and appreciation to someone else. This could be something as simple as paying someone a compliment or it could be something much deeper. Perhaps you have a friend who is always supportive to you and when you are having a bad day, it may be helpful to call up that friend or send them a message expressing exactly how grateful and appreciative you are for their support and friendship. Being kind to others, helps us to feel good too.

4. Share it on social: 

Use your social platforms as a way to express and share something positive even on a day when you are finding it the hardest to be positive. You can find an inspirational quote, a positive blog or article on something you are passionate about or just post something that you are grateful for. Again, this idea of expressing something positive even in the worst of situations can really bring about a change in one’s mindset.

5. Personal Affirmations: 

So while saying it aloud to others by paying compliments or expressing appreciation is very important, sometimes the most impactful thing we can do is express it to ourselves. Use daily affirmations to help ease your negative day to a more positive one. Examples of daily affirmations could be something like, “you can do this,” “you can get through this.”

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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How Better Self-Awareness Builds Stronger Connections & Intimacy in Relationships

Many couples find that no matter how long they’ve been together, there are periods where their level of intimacy and connection can really be lacking. While there are some natural ebb and flow in our relationships, we also should work to ensure that both parties are working toward maintaining that connection. Being in a long-term committed relationship does not automatically mean there are intimacy and closeness at all times, but it does allow for the foundation to build and work on it through a relationship. Commitment is based on the attraction and feelings we have for one another, but intimacy is a place we can be with our partner that is something and somewhere very different. It is a place of openness, vulnerability, defenselessness, and most importantly, a place of self-awareness.

The idea of self-awareness in intimacy is that we can maintain our own identity in a relationship while being fully aware of ourselves and how we are feeling. It is also the ability to look within ourselves for how we contribute to problems in a relationship and to see what role we play. Taking responsibility for our own actions and contributions to the problem can be quite difficult, but is essential for moving forward. Our initial reaction tends to be blamed on our partner and focus on what he or she is doing wrong. We could sit down and easily come up with a list of faults our partner has done wrong, but could we write a list of our own? Being self-aware and having the ability to focus on ourselves, including our own faults, is challenging, but reaching this higher level of awareness is important for making a healthy change in our relationships and increasing levels of intimacy.

5 Steps to Building Connection:

Be present and in the moment: 

Practicing mindfulness on a regular basis can actually help people to be very present and engaged while participating in activities or spending time with their significant other. This, therefore, boosts relationships as couples are more in tune and present when they are spending time together. This only helps to strengthen intimacy and connection between the two people. It can also boost passion and sexual pleasure. 

Engage in self-awareness: 

Again, one of the core pieces of being more vulnerable and intimate with your partner is being very aware of yourself. It’s important that you understand your role in the relationship and focus on actions for which you can be responsible and change. Most people focus on trying to change the other person when the one thing that we actually can change is ourselves. Be aware of your actions and ways that you could better the relationship. 

Be honest with your partner and yourself: 

We can often have ideas, thoughts, and expectations about the intimacy in our relationship, but we never truly connect with ourselves on those thoughts or express them to our partners. When this happens, then there can be times of miscommunication, misunderstanding and unfulfilled expectations. 

Communicate: 

Express to your feelings to your partner. This is crucial to relationship success, but many people avoid talking about certain things with their partners or they let their anger and resentment build to a point that it then becomes unhealthy and impacts the relationship in a negative way. Be sure to share the good and the bad also. Giving positive reinforcement to your partner about things that you enjoy can be a real booster, both for your partner and the sexual health and intimacy in your relationship. 

Take time to connect: 

Be sure to commit to making time for intimacy and connection in the relationship. This means really setting aside time for a regular date night or an intimate dinner at home as well as following through and being very present and engaged during your time together. Date nights or simply time alone with your partner to connect can be an often overlooked action and one that is frequently taken for granted. It is actually having this alone time to connect that can really boost the intimacy and health of your relationship. 

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support or are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS:

If you’d like to read more on relationship topics and hear tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is a free, but private and closed online support group that is listed under the Loving Roots Project Facebook page. The group is facilitated by Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Coach and provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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10 Tips for Couples

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Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

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5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

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Tips for Managing Anger

Do you find that you are easily frustrated, quick to anger, or have a hot temper? Managing your anger may be an important skill for you! Through better managing and control of anger, you can feel calmer, less stressed, and let things go more easily. 

Letting anger continue to build can have a detrimental impact on your health. Anger increases stress and anxiety, which can increase blood pressure, sleep disturbance, headaches, and stomach discomfort as well as can have an effect on your cardiac health, impact your immune system, and increase your risk of stroke. 

Working to better control anger can have several positive benefits for your physical, emotional, and mental health. Decreased anger can also have a positive impact on your relationships and overall outlook on life! Below are some tips to help you to work on better managing anger.

Tips for Managing Anger:

Pause before speaking:

This initial step is one of the most obvious, but also one of the hardest. It may take going through the next few steps to actually be able to get your emotions more in control where you are able to think before speaking or reacting. The goal here is to put in a pause when you are feeling overly upset or angry. This pause will allow you to regain your composure before you just speak or react to the situation. 

Take a time-out:

This step is critical in helping you do task #1. When you take a quick time out, then it will allow you to do that pause before reacting. However, for some people, the time out may last for several days. The point is to take a break to allow yourself the space to get your emotions under control. 

Get physically active:

Getting physically active on a regular basis as well as during times of high frustration and anger can be key in calming down and keeping your temper at bay. Having a physical outlet can help to express and get rid of anger in your body. Exercising or taking a walk when you are at peak anger can also provide an immediate decrease in anger. 

Practice mindfulness:

Keeping yourself calm and relaxed is an important skill in managing anger. Mindfulness is a state of being fully in tune with how you are feeling, emotionally, mentally and physically. Being in this heightened state of awareness can be beneficial for many reasons, including having more insight and awareness about yourself as well as being calmer, more relaxed and lowering your anger levels. Try a brief mindfulness practice each day or several times a week to learn how to maintain a state of calm in your daily life. 

Stress management skills:

Anger is often tied to high stress and tension; therefore, it’s important to implement stress management skills. Stress can be completely unavoidable; therefore, developing good coping skills to handle stress is crucial. Be sure to come up with a regular routine in your daily or weekly schedule that can help to reduce the stress and anxiety in your life. Some examples include: meditation, mindfulness, walking, running, reading a book, listening to music, art, knitting, fishing, etc. For more examples, click here.

Let it go: 

An important piece to managing anger is practicing forgiveness. This is crucial because if you don’t let things go, they will only continue to build and actually accumulate. Therefore, expressing your anger (when you’re in a calmer state), letting it go and not holding grudges, is really key to moving forward and reducing anger. 

Look Underneath:

The final tip is to be sure and review what may be underlying your anger. Perhaps you are feeling more stressed than usual, under a large amount of tension or feeling anxious or depressed? It’s important to examine the underlying reasons for your quick to temper state. Taking a few moments to engage in self-reflection can help you to examine any personal issues that may be impacting your mood, which can lead to resolving anger in a better and more effective manner.

It is important to note that if you are finding that you are regularly practicing the above steps and feel that your anger remains out of control, then it may be time to seek professional help. There are often anger management programs in your local area or you can search on online directories to find psychologists or coaches who treat anger and work on self-improvement.

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

---

ONLINE STRESS MANAGEMENT CLASS

Life in Balance: Stress Management & Mindfulness program is an 8-module online class to help you better cope with stress and anxiety, as well as learn strategies for better balance and incorporate mindfulness. This program is a self-guided virtual class that you can complete at your own pace. Click here for more information.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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Steps to Forgiveness

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10 Tips for Couples

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Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

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How Gratitude Can Ease a Bad Day

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Do Insecurities Impact Your Relationship?

Insecurities can greatly impact a relationship. When someone is feeling insecure, they can project or take these issues out on their partner. This can create animosity, negativity and sometimes even cause their partner to feel the need to caretake or feel responsible to improve the mood and self-esteem of their companion. This causes an unhealthy dependency dynamic in the relationship where one partner feels a constant need to reassure and uplift the other. 

If someone is feeling insecure, they cannot be fully present in the relationship or be able to tend to their partner’s needs. Insecurities are internalized negative thoughts that can often turn outward and become negative behaviors, such as jealousy, paranoia or anger. These negative behaviors are often played out in the relationship and create challenging dynamics, such as starting arguments due to being jealous or even feeling paranoid and checking their partner’s social media accounts or phone. These types of behaviors, especially when they are due to someone’s insecurities, can cause frequent arguments, unhappiness and overall distrust in the relationship.

When someone is feeling insecure, it can impact all areas of their life. They may feel inadequate with their job or career, have body image issues or feel insecure with their family relationships. This can then bring down the overall happiness and satisfaction of the relationship altogether. Insecurities can also impact the sexual health of a relationship, especially if someone is struggling with body image issues. They may reject sexual advances or close physical contact because they are not feeling good about themselves or their body. When a couple is faced with problems in their sexual relationship, this can often impact their overall feelings of intimacy and connection.

Some causes behind insecurities:

Insecurities and fears most often stem from issues within the person, their background, childhood, or any emotional baggage that they may be bringing into the relationship from previous partners or bad experiences. We all have times of feeling insecure regarding a variety of things, the issue occurs if someone’s insecurities take over and begin to impact the health of their relationship or other aspects of their life.

We can often bring past emotional hurt or pain that we project onto our partner or our new relationship that hinders us from feeling fully secure in the relationship. For example, if someone had the experience of being betrayed or cheated on by their previous partner, they may feel more fearful, insecure and have difficulty trusting new people in future relationships. Insecurities can also stem from something much deeper, such as depression or anxiety. It’s important that if someone is feeling insecure, they address these issues as this can impact all areas of their life. 

Projecting insecurities onto others:

Projection is a defense mechanism that people use by unconsciously externalizing difficult emotions and putting them onto others. When someone projects their insecurities onto another, they are “taking out” their emotional issues on someone else. They may target aspects of someone that they feel bad about within themselves. 

When someone is projecting their insecurities onto their relationship, it will often be messages that are unrealistic or untrue. It may feel like the blame is being shifted elsewhere. The comments are usually unrealistic to what is actually happening and are more about their deep feelings of insecurity than about the reality of the situation.

When insecurities are projected, the topic and theme are usually about issues that your partner may have previously discussed as bothering them or something that they are struggling with, such as body image issues, confidence, or family related issues. 

Projection is also seen in a relationship if someone engages in baseless or unsubstantiated suspicious or paranoid behavior, such as suspecting that your partner is cheating or attracted to someone else, when in fact, you are simply feeling insecure about yourself and the connection in your relationship.

Ways to work on insecurities:

Exercise and get active:

The research has shown that being physically active and getting regular exercise can greatly impact and uplift your mood. Exercise can also activate endorphins and other neurotransmitters in the brain, which also help to give us a boost in mood and overall happiness. 

Take responsibility:

You feeling confident is not the responsibility of your partner or the relationship so be sure that you take responsibility for your own self-esteem and self-confidence. This requires you to believe in you and believe that you can feel good about yourself without anyone else.

Communicate & be open with your partner:

Just because self-confidence is the responsibility of the person experiencing it, does not mean you should not have an open and honest conversation with your partner about how you are feeling. Being open with your experience and your emotions can help your partner to better understand your perspective and provide you support.

Understand the root cause:

It’s important that if you are feeling insecure, you gain understanding about where this issue is coming from for you. Perhaps you feel uncomfortable with your weight or body image or perhaps you’ve been cheated on in a past relationship and you fear the same with your partner. Spend some time reflecting on your situation and think about where these insecurities come from. Having this understanding can help you to navigate resolving and working on these issues. 

Let go of the negative:

Working to let go of negative past experiences can be helpful in moving forward and building self-confidence. This is especially true if you have had bad experiences in a relationship before or even just personally. Holding onto these negative things and having them directly impact your confidence and your relationship can be heavy and burdensome. Letting go can provide a sense of relief and give you a fresh start.

Engage in self-care:

Having a healthy self-care routine is essential in managing insecurities in a relationship. A self-care practice includes implementing coping strategies for yourself, such as meditation, mindfulness, exercise, yoga, journaling, listening to music, etc. Engaging in activities which are positive for yourself can help to boost your confidence and self-esteem. 

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JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS:

If you’d like to read more on relationship topics and hear tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is a free, but private and closed online support group that is listed under the Loving Roots Project Facebook page. The group is facilitated by Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Coach and provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

---

ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals or couples. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

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5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

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Coping With Insecurities in a Relationship

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10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

Therapeutic Benefits of Gardening

With springtime upon us and stores putting out their seedlings, vegetables and fresh young flowers, writing about some of the benefits of gardening seem fitting. Many people engage in gardening for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, it is simple to create more curb appeal to their home, others supply flowers to create more sustainable homesteads, some provide nourishment to bees and other creatures who need them, and some people just garden because they love it. Did you know there are some wonderful therapeutic and mental health benefits to gardening too? 

Horticulture as a treatment intervention has been around for quite some time, but it wasn’t until the 1940s and 50’s that it picked up steam with use and credibility. Rehabilitative care programs began to use horticulture therapy practice with hospitalized war veterans. A variety of professionals now use horticultural therapy techniques to assist participants in learning new skills, regaining some that were lost, improve memory, cognition, language, and socialization. There are some specifically designed therapeutic gardens that are helpful for sensory-orientation as well as just incorporating the healing elements of nature. This blog will specifically look at some of the mental health benefits to gardening.

Here are a few of the benefits: 

1. Sense of responsibility:

Gardening can provide one with a sense of responsibility as taking care of plants can add a sense of purpose, meaning and fulfillment. This gives a person a task that they are involved in, responsible for and in charge of, which can be very important if a person is struggling with feeling unfulfilled, lonely or just trying to find meaning in their life. Many horticulture programs have community gardens that can help increase social experiences. 

2. Nurturing:

Care-taking of any sort can provide us a sense of being nurturing to another living thing. This allows for one to nurture a plant and watch it grow. Many people enjoy starting from tiny seeds, watching them sprout into seedlings and eventually grow and bloom. The process allows people to really care and nurture something that will grow and succeed. Research has shown that providing support and nurturance can lead to reduced stress, increased happiness and feelings of connectedness. 

3. Focus and being in the present moment:

It may be surprising for some, but gardening can assist you in living in the present moment. It brings you to the here and now and as you focus on the activity at hand. It can increase your state of mindfulness. This also allows for a nice distraction away from everyday stressors and some people use it as a means to process and let go of unpleasant emotions. The activity also promotes interest and enthusiasm for the future as many want to see their plants grow and bloom. 

4. Gets you active and outdoors:

Gardening can get you active and take you outdoors to tend to plants and water. Many people find that just being outdoors, in the sunshine and fresh air can add a very healthy outlet in their life. Many school programs with children and even some agencies for the elderly bring in gardening as a means to teach as well as keep people active. Gardening can be hard physical work and lead to the development and improvement of motor skills and muscle coordination. It also allows for sensory experiences due to textures, colors, smells, etc., which can be helpful in stimulating the brain and responses of the person involved.

5. Brings about feelings of success:

Gardening can actually bring on improved confidence and self-esteem. When you plant those seeds in the fresh soil and you provide water and wait. Then you wait some more and suddenly you see the green sprouts. It’s fun and exciting and it gets even better when those green sprouts grow and grow and then, there are tomatoes, zucchinis or peppers hanging off your plant that began as that tiny little seed. Gardening brings on feelings of success, accomplishment, and pride. It feels good to work at something and have it bloom and grow. It is hard work and not everything is completely successful, but when you do put in dedication for something, it can bring on positive feelings.

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ONLINE SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE

If you are needing support, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Sessions are available for individuals or couples. Appointments can be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Resources:

American Horticultural Therapy Association:

https://www.ahta.org/what-is-horticultural-therapy

Therapeutic Garden Characteristics:

https://www.ahta.org/assets/docs/therapeuticgardencharacteristics_ahtareprintpermission.pdf

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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